Do you have a dream life you picture? Something different from your chosen course and simultaneously enticing and frightening to you because of its unknown qualities or its connection to insecurities, shadow beliefs, or values passed down through multiple contexts.
Maybe you already are doing what you love--if so, I suspect you are in the minority, simply based upon my own experiences with "adults" and their jobs. Or rather, how they view and experience their jobs.
It is quite a struggle to balance the sensible, responsible, adult path with the internal, id-driven, ideal path. The one you believe in your heart of hearts would make you happy... but that you can't quite believe could be possible. Or sustainable. Or fair to everyone else in your life.
My dream life: writing and crafting for a living. I want to make jewelry, write children's books, and travel and be with my family as much as possible. I also have fantasies of teaching a dance or choreography class to kids. Or running an artists' retreat with my husband. Or opening a theatre with him and a friend of ours. Or creating a community arts facility with studio spaces, classes, workshops, and a performance space.
Instead, I am pursuing a career in school counseling. Maybe it's a good compromise as I seek to find financial stability, health insurance we don't need to panic about every 10 seconds, a schedule that will work well with my daughter's needs, and something that won't make me feel like jabbing pens into my eyes due to overwhelming boredom.
Maybe not. Hard to say, as I've never done the job. (Which is what this coming year is about, I suppose.)
In the meantime, I continue to think longingly of all the books I'd like to write, all the jewelry and crafting ideas I'd like to pursue, and the multitude of projects Andy and I have talked about creating at some distant and undefinable point in the future.
It's difficult to know what is holding me back more. The external or the internal. I suspect the latter. I am hoping this year will bring much more clarity. Sort of a miraculous epiphany and the courage to pursue it despite the misgivings of others.
We shall see.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Ironic
We got some bad news today; without going into too much detail, I will simply say something we had expected to happen (and around which we had been making plans) did not occur. It all kind of went into a different direction--one which is not bad, but is definitely not what we anticipated.
It threw us both for a tailspin, but it provides an opportunity to embrace the mantra from yesterday... and to strive toward that ability to detach from expectation and to live happily in the present, trusting that everything will be okay.
Some days that is easier than others. But I think it might be a somewhat universal pursuit. To feel at peace. To feel purposeful but relaxed without our lives.
Funny how life sometimes hits you over the head with those lessons.
It threw us both for a tailspin, but it provides an opportunity to embrace the mantra from yesterday... and to strive toward that ability to detach from expectation and to live happily in the present, trusting that everything will be okay.
Some days that is easier than others. But I think it might be a somewhat universal pursuit. To feel at peace. To feel purposeful but relaxed without our lives.
Funny how life sometimes hits you over the head with those lessons.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Trust (a note to myself)
Everything happens for a reason. Even if you can't see it yet or are unable to discern the bigger picture at the moment--there is direction in the chaos.
There is purpose. There is meaning. Don't lose faith or get discouraged or allow your heart to be consumed with worry just because you can't figure out where it's all headed. And especially just because your expectations weren't met or your assumptions were proven wrong.
If you believe you are safe, then feel safe. If you believe you are able to succeed and to fail and still be okay... then go ahead and succeed, and fail, and try to enjoy every step of the process.
Don't panic.
Don't worry.
Don't second-guess.
Don't freak out.
Don't feel trapped.
Don't get angry.
You have so many things to feel grateful for, to count as blessings in your life. Why not embrace those things and enter each moment with a smile and an easy heart?
There is purpose. There is meaning. Don't lose faith or get discouraged or allow your heart to be consumed with worry just because you can't figure out where it's all headed. And especially just because your expectations weren't met or your assumptions were proven wrong.
If you believe you are safe, then feel safe. If you believe you are able to succeed and to fail and still be okay... then go ahead and succeed, and fail, and try to enjoy every step of the process.
Don't panic.
Don't worry.
Don't second-guess.
Don't freak out.
Don't feel trapped.
Don't get angry.
You have so many things to feel grateful for, to count as blessings in your life. Why not embrace those things and enter each moment with a smile and an easy heart?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Looking for the silver lining.
You've probably heard about the oil spill in Louisiana already. Apparently, it spans from New Orleans to the Gulf of Mexico, and stalled ships and essentially stopped all traffic on the Mississippi River all the way up to today (Monday).
Of course, in the midst of gas prices hovering in the $4 range and barrels rollercoastering in price all month, this news was of the kind that leads to mild panic... as well as that pit-of-your-stomach crash of "not again" - at least for those of us who still strongly and clearly recall the Exxon Valdez spill in '89.
However, if reports are to be believed, the good news is the impact upon wildlife will be minimal (though I think that assessment depends on who you read), and the refineries in the area expect operations and output to continue at anticipated levels (i.e., no shortage/crisis).
Of course, the long-term effects of such an environmental oops are sometimes hard to calculate, and if you take a holistic perspective or systems approach, then even the smallest "accident" of this kind can have an impact upon the world in myriad ways.
Hmmmm... so where is that silver lining?
Of course, in the midst of gas prices hovering in the $4 range and barrels rollercoastering in price all month, this news was of the kind that leads to mild panic... as well as that pit-of-your-stomach crash of "not again" - at least for those of us who still strongly and clearly recall the Exxon Valdez spill in '89.
However, if reports are to be believed, the good news is the impact upon wildlife will be minimal (though I think that assessment depends on who you read), and the refineries in the area expect operations and output to continue at anticipated levels (i.e., no shortage/crisis).
Of course, the long-term effects of such an environmental oops are sometimes hard to calculate, and if you take a holistic perspective or systems approach, then even the smallest "accident" of this kind can have an impact upon the world in myriad ways.
Hmmmm... so where is that silver lining?
Sunday, July 27, 2008
A Request
We didn't go to church today. Too much to do in preparation for a visit from Papa Gallo and the generally disjointed and hectic feel of summer has kept us away for several weeks now.
This caused me some minor sadness at missing services yet again, but I did not think much of it until we were in the car on our way home from Flamm Orchards this afternoon and Andy told me about the shooting this morning in Tennessee. It was a Unitarian Universalist church in Knoxville.
Although I have been surprised and upset to hear of every church shooting that has occurred recently (and there have been frighteningly many), this one hit me harder because it was my faith. My chosen venue of worship. And so, in a sense, my people--even though I don't personally know any of them. I still feel connected through our faith, our principles, and our fellowships.
It happened at 10:15am this morning, which is exactly the time we usually leave to attend our church. At that time of morning at the Fellowship, people are usually all over the building - talking in the common room, finding seats in the fellowship hall before worship officially starts, taking excited children to RE classes and chatting with other members about summer activities. It is an atmosphere of peace, love, warmth, and connection. I am guessing the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church is very similar.
As of writing this, one person has died and eight people are in serious to critical condition at the hospital. They have a suspect in custody, and the community is banding together to support those affected by the violence.
Please, if you would, keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I have no doubts they could use your blessings.
This caused me some minor sadness at missing services yet again, but I did not think much of it until we were in the car on our way home from Flamm Orchards this afternoon and Andy told me about the shooting this morning in Tennessee. It was a Unitarian Universalist church in Knoxville.
Although I have been surprised and upset to hear of every church shooting that has occurred recently (and there have been frighteningly many), this one hit me harder because it was my faith. My chosen venue of worship. And so, in a sense, my people--even though I don't personally know any of them. I still feel connected through our faith, our principles, and our fellowships.
It happened at 10:15am this morning, which is exactly the time we usually leave to attend our church. At that time of morning at the Fellowship, people are usually all over the building - talking in the common room, finding seats in the fellowship hall before worship officially starts, taking excited children to RE classes and chatting with other members about summer activities. It is an atmosphere of peace, love, warmth, and connection. I am guessing the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church is very similar.
As of writing this, one person has died and eight people are in serious to critical condition at the hospital. They have a suspect in custody, and the community is banding together to support those affected by the violence.
Please, if you would, keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I have no doubts they could use your blessings.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Articles of Faith
Andy shared a story with me recently, wondering what my reaction to it might be. Apparently, Obama placed a prayer in the Western Wall during his visit to Jerusalem... and someone removed it.
Not only did this person remove the prayer, but he/she then shopped it around to at least two papers until someone decided to publish it.
My initial reaction was a mixture of anger and disbelief. Jay Torrence once wrote a play about his experience at the wall for Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind, and I always felt it was one of the most beautiful monologues about faith to ever grace our stage.
His description conveyed a sense of communal worship that was equal parts collective and individual connection to God. Something sacred, something ritualistic, and something important to each person who made that journey.
Although I have tried to step back in the last couple of days to see if I can feel more compassion for those who made decisions ultimately leading to the publication of the prayer, it is difficult to understand or empathize with such a stark disregard for someone's privacy and personal pursuit of spirituality--no matter who it might be.
I have read reactions stating it was a photo op he took and might therefore be a hollow action, but irrespective of his intentions, the sanctity of the Western Wall and the many prayers placed there should, in my mind, take precedence over everything else.
Every action creates ripples. I wonder what aftereffects will flow out over time?
Not only did this person remove the prayer, but he/she then shopped it around to at least two papers until someone decided to publish it.
My initial reaction was a mixture of anger and disbelief. Jay Torrence once wrote a play about his experience at the wall for Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind, and I always felt it was one of the most beautiful monologues about faith to ever grace our stage.
His description conveyed a sense of communal worship that was equal parts collective and individual connection to God. Something sacred, something ritualistic, and something important to each person who made that journey.
Although I have tried to step back in the last couple of days to see if I can feel more compassion for those who made decisions ultimately leading to the publication of the prayer, it is difficult to understand or empathize with such a stark disregard for someone's privacy and personal pursuit of spirituality--no matter who it might be.
I have read reactions stating it was a photo op he took and might therefore be a hollow action, but irrespective of his intentions, the sanctity of the Western Wall and the many prayers placed there should, in my mind, take precedence over everything else.
Every action creates ripples. I wonder what aftereffects will flow out over time?
Friday, July 25, 2008
The What and How of Why
Yesterday's quake in Japan caught me and Andy by surprise. A few hours earlier, we had heard Dolly was being downgraded as it approached Texas, which was a great relief, but that news was followed by reports of devastation overseas, and we immediately thought of China and Myanmar.
As of today, 200 people have been injured in Japan; however, there have been no deaths reported, which is quite a blessing. The quake was rated a 6.8, and apparently even Tokyo felt it.
Meanwhile, in Texas, the damage was not as bad as had been feared. Hundreds of thousands are without power as relief efforts continue, and disaster funds are being okayed for 15 counties. Mexico was hit as well, and then had to face Tropical Storm Genevieve directly afterward, leading to at least eight deaths by drowning.
Earthquake relief continues in China as new housing is provided for a small percentage of the 4.8 million people left homeless, and donations are still being collected in support of the massive recovery process required.
Unfortunately, the exchange system in Myanmar has drastically reduced the value and impact of foreign donations, leaving 2.4 million people affected by the storms with inadequate aid in the wake of so much damage. The U.N. is attempting to work with the government to improve the situation and ensure the intended donations reach their recipients at full value.
I share all this for multiple reasons: Maybe you were hoping to add a few people or places to your prayers. Maybe you actually find yourself with some cash to spare in the midst of our economic crisis and you weren't sure what to do with it. Maybe hearing about these things will help shed light on a bad day or make a few concerns feel smaller and less pressing.
Advocacy comes in many forms, as does assistance, compassion, and encouragement. However you choose to proceed today, may you encounter peace and safety.
As of today, 200 people have been injured in Japan; however, there have been no deaths reported, which is quite a blessing. The quake was rated a 6.8, and apparently even Tokyo felt it.
Meanwhile, in Texas, the damage was not as bad as had been feared. Hundreds of thousands are without power as relief efforts continue, and disaster funds are being okayed for 15 counties. Mexico was hit as well, and then had to face Tropical Storm Genevieve directly afterward, leading to at least eight deaths by drowning.
Earthquake relief continues in China as new housing is provided for a small percentage of the 4.8 million people left homeless, and donations are still being collected in support of the massive recovery process required.
Unfortunately, the exchange system in Myanmar has drastically reduced the value and impact of foreign donations, leaving 2.4 million people affected by the storms with inadequate aid in the wake of so much damage. The U.N. is attempting to work with the government to improve the situation and ensure the intended donations reach their recipients at full value.
I share all this for multiple reasons: Maybe you were hoping to add a few people or places to your prayers. Maybe you actually find yourself with some cash to spare in the midst of our economic crisis and you weren't sure what to do with it. Maybe hearing about these things will help shed light on a bad day or make a few concerns feel smaller and less pressing.
Advocacy comes in many forms, as does assistance, compassion, and encouragement. However you choose to proceed today, may you encounter peace and safety.
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