Fin

Yesterday was technically my last post, but I felt something more final and lengthy was in order... so here is an extra for those of you who actually follow this regularly. ;)

This has been an incredibly strange and wonderful project for me. It began as a way to be involved and stay connected to UU life as I made my way toward divinity school with tiny, tiny little steps. Yet, oddly enough, part of the realization encompassed in my journey has been that now is not the time to pursue such a course—nor am I entirely sure that's the correct destination.

The intent of this blog always had a spiritual component; what I did not expect was how introspective and reflective that process would become, nor what changes it would bring about in me and the way in which I actively make meaning in my life on a continuing basis.

I have found, in seeking to better understand and articulate my joys and sorrows, I have become more attuned to the experiences of others, as well as more cognizant of the ways in which we are all linked together and interdependently connected along multiple levels within our day-to-day existence.

And now is, perhaps, a time to remember that connection. Layoffs continue to escalate, violence threatens the safety and welfare of millions across the globe, natural resources are beginning to look much less attractive as our sole means of energy subsistence, and the values upon which many societies across the world base their belief systems and actions are—one might say—increasingly flawed or at least questionable because they fail to recognize the inherent value and worth of the other (whoever that other may be).

So maybe it's a good idea to reach out and simultaneously self-reflect and get our sense of scope and definition of purpose in order so that we may assist those around us more effectively and provide a source of renewal and hope to those who touch our lives.

Maybe you do that through blogging, or music, or theatre, or teaching, or writing, or your weekend hobby, or your projects in church, or any number of places. Maybe you're not doing it yet, but you've been thinking about it and just need a tiny little nudge to jump off the precipice named "unknown" and throw yourself out into the world in a more public and vulnerable way. Maybe you only have the time and space to focus on yourself right now and to get to a place of greater balance, peace, and health.

Whatever you may be doing, I wish you much joy, learning, and even the ocassional sorrow because it all has purpose in the end.

In the meantime, I will continue to ponder the question that seems incredibly interwoven in my meaning-making:

Is it the path that defines you, or you who define the path?

Thank you for being with me on this journey. Perhaps I will have more to add one day in the future. Until then, be well and always remember you are loved.

When will the shoe drop?

After the next ice storm?
In the coming six months?
Upon moving to Chicago?
When the next tooth cracks?
At the follow-up eye appointment?
As we put the house up for sale?
During my two exams, three papers, four classes, and multiple assignments?
Once they've tallied unemployment for next month?
While we watch Ari's college fund stocks drop even further?
After I've tried some more to find a job?
When the next person is lost too young?

Near the End

Today is Feb. 1, which means I am 7 days away from my last post... having reached a full year of blogging daily per the task I set for myself.

I think it is timely for a number of reasons, one being my propensity of late to blog about myself. How boring.

This all began in conjunction with a feeling of being called to pursue the UU ministry. A strange and unexpected experience that ultimately resulted in my deciding to put such pursuits on hold for the time being. And, although Andy and I became official members of our local Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, we have not attended services for several months now. I'm not sure why. Again, probably for a number of reasons.

Do I still think I am meant to be a UU minister? I have no idea. I feel so lost some days it's somewhat disheartening. I do believe I am meant to pursue and find a more spiritual path to my life... but whether that is something that becomes a public and/or shared journey is yet to be seen.

In the meantime, I continue to listen each day to the thousands of stories around me and to pray for others in more difficult circumstances than I. What is startling is how many of those stories you will hear when you really start listening for them. When your ears open up to the suffering around you, so does your heart. And for many, action follows short behind.

I am extremely grateful to all those who have made this trek with me and especially for those who have shared their comments, feedback, advice, love, etc. My spiritual awakening was made richer by your participation... and for that, I deeply thank you.

We are all so interconnected. Truly. Sometimes that is an essential thing to remember.

Epiphany #7

I am the only thing standing in my way.

A Day of Mixed Blessings

• We got our shovel back. The woman we had loaned it to told her friend about it - and the friend apparently "forgot" to return it.
• I found out I have no way to get dental care because the one place that takes our state insurance is not taking any new patients. Great, says the lady with half a tooth.
• I only went to school one day this week due to the snow and ice, which was lovely. But this means I have to work into June, which is a total bummer.
• We've been hanging up things that have been up in our attic for 3 years now; rearranging rooms and settling in more. This is ironic since we'll likely be moving in about 7 months.
• I still miss my grandparents every day. I can't tell if it's because I'm living in their house, or if it's because I'm finally letting go of some of the things I had held onto, or if it's because we're getting close to leaving and won't be able to keep it... or maybe all of the above.
• Ari suggested having pancakes for dinner tonight... and she helped me make them. She wanted to wear our matching aprons Nana made. We had a great time, and it helped erase a day of feeling like a bad mother who was struggling to be present.
• I love my husband so much. I wish we had more time together, but I feel insanely lucky to be married to my best friend... someone who can continually surprise me.

Caught

If I could stop the world
in certain moments,
today I would stop
on building a snowman...
laughing in mid-day sun and
wrestling sticks from the dog
as you chased fruitlessly but
happy and elated in your freedom.

I would freeze out imperfections
and lapses of calm or patience.
We could leap over or pause
prior to lost tempers or cyclical
frustrations or even just exhausted
and age-influenced inertia stuck
in bones and joints like
thick cotton stuffing.

Some days I try so hard
and still fall short; reaching
for some imagined ideal
of nurturing, patient perfection.
Neither Cleaver nor Clytemnestra,
just frail, human mommy who
struggles some days to
be present and calm in the chaos.

Push and Shove(l)

With the huge dumping of snow these last two days (huge for this area), nearly everyone on our street has had to dig their cars out from under a thick, white blanket of icy, wet, heavy mess. People keep getting stuck in the street (the city only plowed one lane... and that was only today), and oddly enough there are several folks around us to were caught without a good snow shovel... so we loaned it out a few times.

Unfortunately, the last time we loaned it out, we asked our neighbor to just leave it on the porch. We went up to bed that night and remembered it was still sitting out there, right next to the front door. Andy and I debated as to whether to go down and bring it in... and we ultimately decided to keep snuggled in our warm bed and hope for the best.

Well, this morning it was gone. And I'm of two minds on this one. On the one hand, part of my thought process last night up in bed was that if someone did take it, it was likely because he or she needed it. I mean... you wouldn't just grab a shovel off a porch simply because it's there, right? It would be because you needed one and didn't have one. It's a small thing, and if it was helpful to someone else out there... so be it.

Then again, there is another part of me that feels upset because who in the world walks up onto a front porch and just takes something off of it? We had our flag stolen 2 years ago, and now the shovel. And sometimes I wonder if we should hide the bistro table or the potting materials on the side as well... because apparently nothing is safe.

Luckily, it was not our only one. It was our best one, but we do have another. And at some point, we will be mobile enough to go out and get another, and we'll just keep going... hoping nothing else gets nabbed off our property... and remembering it's all just material possession in the end anyway.

Whatever the Weather

It has been sleeting for roughly 24 hours now. The ground is slick with thick, icy crystals piled high on one another, and there is a constant, light, tappety tapping noise against the windows as the dots of sleet continue to fall.

I always think of mail carriers and hospital staff on days like today. Gas station attendants, grocery store workers, emergency crews, salters, plow drivers... all those folks who have to pull themselves out of their warm, safe homes to traverse the dangerous conditions outside in order to help the rest of us who are able to enjoy snow days with school or work canceled.

May everyone in the path of these storms stay safe and warm. And may those who must be outside travel safely to and from their destinations.

Transmutation in G

One of the things that has been most difficult to reconcile while in school has been the way in which it has affected my ability to stay on top of the many little things that are actually quite important in life and which I had always made a priority: thank you cards, birthday gifts, phone calls to friends, keeping up with emails—communication in general.

I sometimes think it's silly to blame my removal from the world entirely on school. But in my calmer moments, I can at least concede it's been something quite apart from a "regular" sort of life. Graduate school is a bit like running a marathon while birthing a baby and trying to cater a dinner for 350. A great push toward the finish line amidst what often feel like wild and insurmountable obstacles.

It will be interesting to see how life changes beyond graduation. And a practice in mindfulness to note the habits I choose to take with me versus the ones I wish to reinstate from an earlier and less chaotically stressful time. Sometimes I feel so far away from who I was, it's difficult to imagine with any sort of clarity who I will eventually become.

Baby Steps

My husband created a little meditation space for us in a large closet located in our now shared office (it used to be the guest room).

It's the perfect size for both our zafus and zabutons, along with a small altar. Very cool. Oddly enough, Ari and the dog both love being in there as well, so it's become a popular hangout spot and is rapidly accumulating little toddler toys.

Unfortunately, we had not yet used it to actually meditate. Our goal was to use Thursday nights to sit together after I've put Ari to bed. We were all fired up about it and even moved two rooms around accomodating the plan, but we've fallen short on actually moving forward.

Ah well. Sometimes I think we take baby steps toward elightenment or spiritual evolution. A slow but steady pace that brings us closer to our hoped-for endgoal. In the meantime, our space sits ready and lovely... waiting for the end of our metaphorically tiny-footed journey.

Ash

I used to have dreams wherein my teeth would break apart in my mouth. Crumble like chalk and settle into dusty piles that stuck on my cheeks and threatened to choke me. It would start in the back, near my molars, and work it's way toward the front—a domino effect reminiscent of special effects scenes of buildings turned to ash in the aftermath of a bomb or piles of soft soot left behind by July 4th snakes on the sidewalk.

I'm not sure what this means. But having half a tooth fall of has reminded me of them. They used to happen frequently—recurrent and frightening. And then they stopped somewhere along the way... forgotten and replaced by other strange evening flights.

Perhaps it is about communication... or a fear of being silenced. I am a communicator, probably more than anything else, and the thought of losing that strength and comfort is quite scary to me.

What you fear reveals what you value (and vice versa).

17 places I'd rather be than sitting in a lecture hall for 3 hours

1. at home, sitting on the couch with Ari on my lap; able to put her to bed and then hang out with my amazing husband, Andy, who I love and miss like the dickens
2. sleeping
3. doing crossword puzzles at the kitchen table
4. taking a hot bath in our antique clawfoot tub
5. getting my blog done (I sort of did that, I guess, though I still had to type it in once I got home)
6. doing crunches on the living room floor
7. the gym (oh gym... how I miss you)
8. teaching workshops with the lovely Ms. Claff
9. workshopping a new piece for the dance company I have not yet started, but which is increasingly clear in my mind
10. on vacation (Galena, Rome, Praiano, Springfield, Australia, New Zealand, Greece... just about anywhere!)
11. getting homework done
12. sitting in a living room with all my Neo-Futurist ladies, drinking tea and catching up
13. hangin' with all our Dad's Garage peeps in Atlanta
14. writing
15. sitting in front of a heater smothered in deliciously toasty fleece blankets
16. at home studying for my comps and NCE
17. DONE WITH SCHOOL

Looking for the Lesson, Finding the Opportunity

Somewhere around 6:30am today I realized half my back left molar was missing. I have no idea when or how it happened, nor am I entirely sure what in the world made half my tooth disappear. It made for an odd morning and stressful day, particularly since the university is on vacation and the only people who take my coverage are located... at the university.

So... here's hoping I can get it fixed tomorrow, that I am not making it worse by continuing to eat or drink periodically, and that it does not get any more painful in the meantime.

I have been wondering all day what opportunity was provided in my little dental mishap. I think it's provided several avenues for reflection and mindfulness. First, I take my teeth for granted. I have not taken care of them since I became pregnant (which is a big no-no), and I should know better. Especially since my grandmother had tons of problems with hers and those sorts of things tend to be genetic.

Second, this is a tiny thing to be worried about, discomforted by, or fixated upon. There are so many things going on right now that merit greater focus and compassion on the continuum of suffering than my minor tooth problems. It's sometimes helpful to have something like this happen simply to put all the other things I am not having to live through put into perspective.

Even with my insurance woes and absolute ire (I could truly launch into a diatribe at any moment), it is nothing compared to what so many are dealing with at this very moment. Tiny. Tiny.

I guess third and finally, although in most moments I feel predominantly saddened, my current backaches, tooth aches, head aches, and eye strain all remind me I am human. Fragilely, frailly human. And there is beauty and purpose even in that... though some days it is hard to embrace it.

The Pot and the Kettle (a bit of venting doggerel)

Petty, petty.
Don't be so petty.
Hasn't it been
enough already?

What magic words
do you wait to hear?
What unmet picture
is held so dear

That you push away
and just shut down,
Meet outreached hands
with scoffs and frowns?

I love you seems
to go unheard.
I miss you somehow
vague and blurred.

I truly think
it's strange, in fact,
to be held to standards
you seem to lack.

And yet, the truth,
so plain to see:
you're woven
into everything.

A part of all,
essential and wanted...
never forgotten
or taken for granted.

One day I hope
for peace between us
no matter what happens
or where fate leads us.

Caught Between Two Worlds

Every semester begins with a collective struggle for our family. We all strive to find some sort of equilibrium and to somehow deal with my extended absences for the majority of the week.

Ari seems to have the most difficulty adjusting, which makes sense because she is the only one who does not understand the end that theoretically justifies the various means we're committing to in order to get there. All she knows is mommy is suddenly gone every single day, sometimes for 9 to 10 hours of the 12 she is awake. Not such a great ratio.

The intense irony in all of it is that the whole reason I went back to school was so I could have more time with my family. I no longer wanted to be gone nights and weekends. I no longer wanted to put in 10-14 hour workdays. And I sometimes worry we have timed this all wrong because this seems to be the time Ari needs me most. Maybe I should have waited until she was older and in school full-time--then it might feel like we were both "working" and away from home during approximately the same stretches.

But you can not always know where you will end up when you set out upon a course of action. And certainly there are many, many, many families out there where both parents work and/or mom has to return to work right away in order to make sure they can make ends meet. So I do count my blessings... I really do. But the days when she's crying her little eyes out as I walk to the car sometimes break my heart and make me pause with immense doubt.

Dissonance in Minor to Major Adjustments

I have been thinking a lot today about maladaptive behavior... how all of us use our creativity, maleability, strength, and smarts to do all we can to adjust to fit the needs of our environments and sitautions so that we have the greatest chance for success (and in some cases, survival).

If we go along with this theory, it sort of leads to a greater propensity toward understanding and compassion when we come across someone who is doing something that seems to make absolutely no sense or is, in fact, somewhat disruptive or dangerous.

Often, this dysfunctional behavior has arisen out of choices necessitated by a negative, unhealthy, or otherwise unacceptable situation over which that person had no control. We do what we can do survive... and in some cases, that might mean we end up making some choices that - in "normal" circumstances - seem odd, destructive, or (a la Hamlet) out of joint.

There is a Thich Nhat Hahn quote in a journal my Mom sent me that I am using at school as a means of balance, centering, and self-care:

"There is no understanding without love, and there is no love without understanding."

I see it as a reminder to be gentle in my understanding of others... because there are always elements to someone's story that I will never fully know. And, if I do get glimpses of how or why he or she has ended up in a difficult spot, it nearly always increases my compassion for and understanding of why such struggle exists in the given moment.

Ultimately, there are many things we can provide for one another that are acts of love. And those things, I believe, are some of the most integral aspects of what it means to be successfully connected and actively interconnected to those around us.

Forgiveness. Empathy. Patience. Understanding. Kindness. All of those things enhance and improve the experience of the recipient (and our own experience as well).

The Unforgotten

Stories of war-torn bodies
and families separated by
powers beyond them
march through my day
periodically

I have not seen their
faces, but their stories
haunt me as I sit in
classes or shop for groceries
feeling heartsick

Wishing for peace or
some end to violence
and so many dead
innocents... unlucky
only in their location

No matter how hard
it may be to listen
or view or be mindful
of so much suffering,
such vigilance

Remains important...
remains necessary
to ensure such pain
is not forgotten or hidden
from the world

Moving Forward

Obama has announced he is officially closing Guantanamo. I think a hallelujah is in order, and cannot help but feel relief that such a sad and ugly chapter in our history will finally begin to close. I pray those still held might find some form of justice and that we can find ways to deal with truly dangerous people without inhumane or illegal actions. It's still difficult to comprehend we've held so many for six years without access to the measures of justice, balance, and humane treatment upon which this country was founded.

I also heard today on WBDX (our local community radio station) that a research group has determined there is a 90% probability that the world's food supplies will be devastated and in severe shape by 2100 due to climate change. Pretty sobering for someone who already worries about economic disaster, global meltdown, and the safety of her family all the ding dang time. My hope is that, even for those who don't believe in such things, there might be a collective decision to work toward resolving any potential crises because it's better to be safe than sorry.

Meanwhile, Blagojevich has been half-impeached and we in Illinois are, I think, simply shaking our heads and waiting patiently for the proverbial axe to fall. It's embarassing to come from a state that couldn't even steer clear of scandal in the runup to one of its greatest moments since 1861. Luckily, it looks like Burris will be seated, Blago will be impeached, and perhaps by February we Illinoisans can finally turn our eyes to the exciting and unquestionably significant impact of Obama's presidency and feel a little bit of happiness and pride to be connected in some small way to such an historic moment in our nation's life.

Too Soon

Andy heard from a friend today who unexpectedly lost her father. She is our age, and so it was an early death. It is sad news, and what is even more sad is how many very close friends we have who have lost at least one parent at what would be considered a young age.

I know these losses have been truly painful and continue to leave an empty, sad space for so many. It is very difficult to imagine what it must be like... I don't think I really can. I just know there is an ache in their words sometimes... a deep and raw sadness that they touch on in certain moments. I think that is often the nature of grief—the loss becomes a part of who you are for the rest of your life.

For those struggling with such a sadness, may your heart feel lighter, your memories sustain you, and your suffering ease over time.

Winter and the Mindful Remembrance of Blessings

We did not see the sun today. I don't know why this makes me so sad. Seasonal affective disorder maybe... or just some internal wish to feel warmth and see a bit of light in the midst of the year's longest days and this area's coldest weather.

Our plants are clinging to life in walls made darker by over-zealous paneling and shortened windows. My ferns lose their limbs hourly... dropping finger-like petals and snaking arms all over the floor. Turning from green and lush to brown and barren. Poor things.

I know I should love every season. Should look for nuggets of beauty and joy in each incarnation of the planet's myriad expressions as she pirouettes around the sun. But January and Feburary are tricky for me, and my mindfulness has fallen short this last week as my body seeks to outdo my good intentions with its complaints.

Wherever you may be, I hope you are enjoying your weather... your season. I hope there have been many joys and beauties in your path. And, if not, then I hope brighter and happier days are to come for you.

May peace prevail—particularly for those for whom concerns of sun or snow must seem like such small worries in times of suffering and sorrow.