Dissonance in Minor to Major Adjustments

I have been thinking a lot today about maladaptive behavior... how all of us use our creativity, maleability, strength, and smarts to do all we can to adjust to fit the needs of our environments and sitautions so that we have the greatest chance for success (and in some cases, survival).

If we go along with this theory, it sort of leads to a greater propensity toward understanding and compassion when we come across someone who is doing something that seems to make absolutely no sense or is, in fact, somewhat disruptive or dangerous.

Often, this dysfunctional behavior has arisen out of choices necessitated by a negative, unhealthy, or otherwise unacceptable situation over which that person had no control. We do what we can do survive... and in some cases, that might mean we end up making some choices that - in "normal" circumstances - seem odd, destructive, or (a la Hamlet) out of joint.

There is a Thich Nhat Hahn quote in a journal my Mom sent me that I am using at school as a means of balance, centering, and self-care:

"There is no understanding without love, and there is no love without understanding."

I see it as a reminder to be gentle in my understanding of others... because there are always elements to someone's story that I will never fully know. And, if I do get glimpses of how or why he or she has ended up in a difficult spot, it nearly always increases my compassion for and understanding of why such struggle exists in the given moment.

Ultimately, there are many things we can provide for one another that are acts of love. And those things, I believe, are some of the most integral aspects of what it means to be successfully connected and actively interconnected to those around us.

Forgiveness. Empathy. Patience. Understanding. Kindness. All of those things enhance and improve the experience of the recipient (and our own experience as well).

Not one, but two.

I love you
—want to sing it
from the rooftops shouting
arms-wide-high-and-loud
(like a gleeful, dervish hurricane).

I love you
'til my heart feels like
sunbursts crackling/buttons bouncing
on sky-colored linoleum
(boom clickety bang tick tick).

I love you
like a ripple floating outward,
continually renewed by drops
of simple, silly moments
(happy gifts of divine beauty).

I love you
for the changes unmistaken,
all the growth you offer daily,
and the moments unrepeatable
(timeless pearls for keeping).

Huh.

I wonder sometimes if most nearly anything we would label as a negative reaction or emotion or response (e.g., anger, violence, depression, fear, withdrawal, etc.) is essentially connected to an unending sense/search for love and acceptance.

Is it possible "ugly" behavior is ultimately rooted in a perceived lack of acceptance? If one were to seek the primary emotion below the secondary reactions rooted in defensiveness or offensiveness (i.e., the feeling one must take the offensive in order to avoid being hurt, damaged, etc.), would it somehow exist as a foundational need that is simultaneously emotional and spiritual... something that transcends physical or intellectual yearnings. Something basic, primal, but ultimately human... a search for connection, for belonging, for meaning.

I believe the struggle to feel valued, above all, may inherently be present for all of us. This may segue into attachment theory and the Adlerian concept of social interest. But I also think there is something deeply embedded within the source of our living - be it a soul, or a spark, or a breath.

For who does not wish to be seen? And upon being seen to be understood... and upon being understood to be welcomed? If we all believed, without question, we held value and worth, as did everyone around us... how might that change our interactions?

Perhaps compassion is the act of embracing such a belief and holding onto it with unshakable faith.

Being There

One of the funny things about marriage is how things shift over time... how the relationship moves along like a river and is never static. The emotions, understandings, known elements, unknown elements, etc. between me and Andy have changed considerably during the course of our marriage. I think it's one of the little gifts you get by linking yourself to another person for a lifetime - you can always be surprised... your knowledge of and appreciation for the other person continues to increase each day.

Andy did something today that provided one such moment wherein my concept of him expanded and my love and appreciation for him was magnified. We were at the mall in Marion with Ari to see the puppies and kitties there. On the way back out, we stopped to ride the little mall rides outside the food court.

We only had enough money for one ride, and Ari immediately decided she wanted to ride the horse, which surprised me because the ice cream truck has always been her absolute #1 favorite. I kept explaining the 1 ride principal and asking if she was sure this was the one she wanted, convinced she was going to be disappointed when it was over. But Andy assured me she knew what she was doing - that they had been playing a game together lately when she rode the horse.

The ride started up, and Andy began a full-on pantomime routine running alongside the horse. He would pretend to trip and fall. Surge ahead gleefully and then fall behind ruefully. Grab the ropes and insist he was going to steal the horse, only to lose his grip or struggle to keep up. Ari giggled and laughed the whole time, and my husband - who is generally somewhat shy when out in public and often experiences social anxiety around strangers - invested fully in what could easily be called a brilliant clowning routine... created solely for the joy of his daughter.

It was beautiful, moving, generous, amazingly loving, and full of delightful playfulness. My gratitude for my husband soared, and my perception of him realigned to include all the new discoveries of an unexpected moment in the middle of a mall.