Whoosh.

Today we watched some old movies we had made of Ari at various points along her path from birth to present. It's rather stunning to look back on those earlier times and notice all the huge changes she's already undergone.

So many people talk about how quickly the childhood of your offspring flows by. Kind of like how my grandmother always used to tell me how fast life moved as she got older... each year leaving time sped up to the point of no longer even being able to recognize individual days, or months. I always imagined it like being swept up in a wave with the force of a tsunami, depositing you on the opposite shore of a your life a year older and somewhat lost as to how you arrived there.

Andy and I were stunned to look back and think about all that has changed even in just one year's time. Ari's growth has been exponential and immense, and even the changes we have made with the house, our career paths, and our future plans have been pretty expansive.

What will we accomplish by the time another year has cycled around? How much more will have happened? There is something miraculous in the amount we can cram into small pockets of time. Intricate, infinite, and full of possibility.

A Lesson in Glee

It seems the train trip to DuQuoin Ariana took with Num-Num and Papa left quite an impression upon her. (It's amazing what a $3 Amtrak ticket can do for a 2 year old!)

That evening, she requested a "blue choo choo" song before bedtime. Having no such song in our repertoire, my mother had to make one up. But she forgot it and was not able to sing it for me... and then she went back home to North Carolina. So, I had to create a new song. Which, thankfully, she happily accepted and embraced.

Andy laughed when he heard it, but it remains a stable and expected component of Ari's and my evening ritual.

The Blue Choo Choo Song
for Ari

Ari and Num-Num and Papa
Rode on the blue choo choo
They bought some tickets
And went to DuQuoin
And then they came back home

Ari and Num-Num and Papa
Rode on the blue choo choo
Ari ate dinner
And looked out the window
Then Daddy picked her up

Ari and Num-Num and Papa
Said they laughed and played and smiled
They sat on the seats
And they walked down the aisle

Ari and Num-Num and Papa
Had a great time that day
When they rode on
The big blue choo choo train

Ari and Num-Num and Papa
Rode on the blue choo choo
They sure had fun
But now it's done
And maybe they'll do it again

5 things I'm pretty sure I would do if I just had more time:

1. Landscape the front and back yards.
2. Sew aprons for myself and maybe even dresses for me and Ari.
3. Make shadow boxes for people and maybe even try to sell them or start a little online store.
4. Write the (at least) 3 books I have in my head.
5. Cook - a lot - and become more knowledgeable about bulk items and whole foods.

Oh oh... the thing I know in my heart to be true because I do not always plan my time appropriately:

I am not going to get enough sleep tonight.

Wiped out

This is the first time I am writing my post late. I didn't get to it yesterday, thus breaking my internal promise to write one entry each day. This is disappointing, and seems to connect to a larger issue in my life with regard to stress and insufficient personal time.

It's a choice, it's finite, but it's very trying some days - particularly when I work late into the night and then get awakened by Ari at 4am only to start the whole cycle over at about 5:15am.

Today it feels like a sorrow more than a joy, which perhaps is just a matter of perspective. Others who are close to me would say I'm not taking care of myself (self care is what we call it in counseling) - and I'd have to admit that it's true, knowing full well what that means for my emotional, psychological, and physical health.

In this case, I think I did not manage my time wisely, and I also got waylaid by a series of self-doubts and indecision that were decidedly ill-timed.

So where is the lesson in it for me? I suppose it's multiple things... a loud and clear shouting out of steps I could take to make life go a little more smoothly and feel a little more satisfying:

• Manage your time better;
• Don't beat yourself up over indecision or confusion;
• Try to be here, now;
• Find the joy;
• Enjoy the journey. (I must credit Dr. Zyromski with that one)

Gotta go. Baby at my legs crying "Mama mama" over and over - which is certainly a joy from some angles.