Monday, June 30, 2008

Fire Stats*

Number of fires burning in California: 31
Number of acres of land on fire:
333,838
Number of homes destroyed by Big Sur fire: 16
Percent of Big Sur fire contained: 3
Percent of Los Padres National Forest fire contained: 89
Date of lightening strike that started it all: June 21, 2008

*As of 6/29/08

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Yardo Presto Change-o!

Num Num and Papa Jim (my parents) have been here helping us out this weekend, and - as they always do - have managed to find many things to do around the house that Andy and I had not gotten to yet due to a heightened level of busy-ness and exhaustion (and an inability to do things, for me, that will push my eyes too hard post-surgery).

For this visit, they've focused primarily on landscaping... which has led to the creation of several planned and planted areas around the house. First, a bed of vinca and hostas underneath our little cedar tree out front:



There's also a garden in the backyard for Ari, complete with a new cherry tomato plant, two plants from her birthday gift from Becky C. (watermelon and pumpkin), and one little stray flower from a flowerbox fiasco perpetrated by her mommy:


And finally, two little bushes that were dying under our cedar tree have been moved to the side of the house, complete with brick wall enclosure, in the hopes they will fare better in their new spot:

Add to that a new hanging plant with beautiful flowers, a nicely trimmed trio of boxwoods directly under the front porch, a series of stepping stones running between the driveway and the sidewalk, a repotted asparagus fern that was purchased the same month and year Ari was born, and a soon-to-be-repotted fern that broke through its hanging basket in an attempt to increase in size, and you've got a whole host of things that suddenly look amazingly better and help the house feel even more settled, loved, and summery. Quite a gift.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

5 things I'm pretty sure I would do if I just had more time:

  1. Landscape the front and back yards.
  2. Sew aprons for myself and maybe even dresses for me and Ari.
  3. Make shadow boxes for people and maybe even try to sell them or start a little online store.
  4. Write the (at least) 3 books I have in my head.
  5. Cook - a lot - and become more knowledgeable about bulk items and whole foods.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Shu Shu

We were lucky enough to see my brother, Brent, during the brief window within which he's back in the US (before heading to Australia for a year or more). Although he looooooooves being in Cirque du Soleil and is about to start work on the show that is probably perfect for him (with a level of responsibility even higher than he had before), it is still hard for him to be away. Harder still to have to make last-minute travel plans and pack in all the visits with family and friends he can muster while still taking care of any outstanding business he can't do from overseas.

He and Ari are strikingly similar in many ways, and we were very sad when he had to leave for South American after Thanksgiving 2007 because it was clear he and Ari were able to bond.

Fast forward to Summer 2008, and Ari is now older and even more able to form a strong bond with her uncle. She can't pronounce "Uncle" or "Brent," so he suggested she call him "Shu Shu," which means uncle in Chinese (Brent is nearly fluent, being a bit of a sinophile and having lived in China for a while during his university studies).

We were very sad to say good-bye to Shu Shu today. He had to head up to Chicago to see friends and take care of some details before heading out to start a new show in Australia. So... we are hoping we can see him on tour - perhaps on the New Zealand leg of the show. What an adventure that would be.

In honor of Shu Shu's departure, here is a photo we took right before he left:



Thursday, June 26, 2008

Reliving Youth

Throw the mommy caution
to the wind. Shut down the little
voice that says "should" and "don't"
and "probably not." Don't think about
rust, toxins, dirty-bug-bits,
or nasty wintry sediment.

Instead, embrace the 90
degree sunshine beating down
like a Cuban big band in full swing.
Stick out your tongue like
a happy dog, eager and thirsty
for water with a snap of cool.

Bend your head forward
and remember days spent
chasing sprinkler shower
and running gleefulshouting
through the grass to dive -
belly first - into the pool.

This is summer.
This is two.
This is joyful...
And part of being so
alive
is drinking water from the hose.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Bad News Day

#1
I had not heard this story until today, but the thought of someone murdering his wife and daughter and trying to make it look like a murder-suicide is rather depressing. Perhaps he's telling the truth - that the mother was depressed and he had nothing to do with it. But apparently, a jury felt he was guilty enough to convict.

#2
The Supreme Court decided that the rape of a child does not merit the death penalty. I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I think a lot about keeping Ari safe and wanting to prevent anything terrible (and particularly sexually violent) from happening to her. It's very difficult to imagine being able to forgive someone who might harm her in that way. It's also very difficult to imagine not wanting to hunt that person down and kill them myself. Not very enlightened or loving of me, but I do think the old "eye for an eye" adage is rooted in something very primal and limbic... something that is older than philosophy or religion and sits deep without our psyches and souls. Perhaps there is merit or justice or purpose in working against those vengeful feelings, but I can certainly have empathy for parents who find themselves filled with those feelings. And I can understand why this ruling is and will likely continue to be so controversial.

#3
The Supreme Court has been busy this week, and the second ruling which struck me as fraught with potential conflict and distress was their decision to cut the damages awarded to citizens (particularly fishermen) affected by the spill. It was stated by one of the lawyers for the plaintiffs that the punitive damages now amount to roughly a week's earnings for the ExxonMobile company, a statistic potentially slightly wiggled with spin... but probably not by very much.

#4
The ceasefire was broken today... five days after being established. It seems that the media is reporting it not officially broken, but it certainly must leave everyone feeling rather tenuous.

#5
Today both President Bush and Nelson Mandela spoke out against the violent and threatening tactics being used by Mugabe to manipulate the elections in Zimbabwe. I couldn't help but think how hypocritical it must seem to hear such condemnation coming from George W. Bush. I find it insulting, and I live in the US. Not that we had such violence or that he used the same type of tactics in his pursuit of the election in 2000... but hey. In any other country, it would have looked like cheating... like - dare I say it - a sham. The good news, however, is international opposition is increasingly being voiced and hopefully it will have some kind of constructive effect.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Who Knew?

One of the possible side effects of anesthesia is depression.

Monday, June 23, 2008

the water is high...

The Mississippi River was expected to crest in Missouri today. Many areas have been flooded and parts of Illinois are being affected too. And, of course there has been severe flooding in other midwestern states as well, such Iowa.

Levees have broken in some places, and more are expected to break in the days ahead. I have been trying to get a sense of the total number of individuals and families affected, but the damage has been spread out over so many days, it been hard to piece together.

The bottom line is, it seems we are not very far from another disaster like Katrina. It probably will feel a bit different and may not even be reported on in the same way, because the damage has taken place slowly and in small bursts as areas flood or levees burst, but it's startling to experience this sort of event (especially if you weren't around for the one that happened in the 1990s).

When you visit certain towns along the river, you see old flood marks painted on the facades of buildings along main street with years next to them. Sometimes they are 10 feet above the ground, sometimes higher. I remember walking through Cape Girardeau and looking up at the recorded lines for earlier floods. Andy and I tried to imagine what it would be like if something similar happened again.

(Kind of like reading tornado stats for your area and attempting to calculate the odds you might see something as bad as the twister of '82. It's a bit scary, and it makes you wonder where on Earth you might be able to live that could be safe from environmental disasters.)

Meanwhile, with the current flooding crisis, food prices have been driven higher, many lives have been lost, and weather patterns seem to be continuing to surprise everyone. Things don't feel so good right now.

Many prayers to those affected by the floods or who are helping friends and family cope with the aftermath. May the days ahead bring better news.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

b.f.f.l.y.l.a.s.t.t.f.n.

I must sing the praises of my Beckys today. I have two friends named Becky, and they are both incredible people and two of the main reasons I have stayed even moderately sane through this crazy journey of parenthood/renovation/grad school. My daughter has claimed them as "her friends," and she calls them "the two" because they are the two Beckys.

We've been really lucky to have a lot of help while here, and I think sometimes in the midst of feeling stressed or lonely or overwhelmed or freaked out, we tend to overlook it. Sort of like missing the forest for the trees... or the other way around.

But getting up at 4:30am in order to come and stay with a likely-to-be sleepy and disoriented 2 year-old before working for four hours and then being in class for another four hours, just so your friend's husband can drive her to Marion for eye surgery and be there for morale support is the hallmark of a true friend. As is driving materials from class over after work and class of your own so that said surgery recipient can try and keep up with things.

Sometimes the generosity of others blows me away. I hope I have been similarly generous, though I fear I have not... but I certainly strive to continually improve my ability to give freely and with love.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Effulgent

I heard a song tonight that emotionally stopped me in my tracks. It was one of the most beautiful, haunting pieces I have ever heard... and it transported me from a place of longing, sadness, and worry into a moment of clarity, hope, and gratitude.

Thank god for great artists and for good art.

(Here's the song: White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes.)

Friday, June 20, 2008

Poems for Chicago (a kind of cheating entry for a lackluster day)

Friday
Why is it, even in the most
exciting/happy/anticipated
of trips, it still takes a
Herculean effort to
get out the door?
We hit the road,
two hours late
and 48 hours overwhelmed...
but the horizon dances
in pretty colors reminiscent
of Ireland and Cat Stevens
sings us on our way.
We are Chicago bound!

Saturday
This traffic is horrid,
thank goodness we left.
We miss these friends so much;
why did we leave?
These festivals are putrescent;
thank goodness we left.
Oh my lord I miss hanging out,
eating picnics, playing games,
laughing and talking
late into the night...
feeling safe, feeling known,
feeling loved, and realizing
our daughter never falls asleep
to the laugher of her parents
when we are at home.

Sunday
Amazing breakfast
with whiny and overtired baby.
Hard to say good-bye.

Then on to quiet;
White carpeting is not good for children.
The sunroom is GREAT.

Monday
It's always hard to
say goodbye to family.
The drive feels like
pulling paper across
delicate skin or stabbing
gums with toothpicks.
But we see the new mommy,
hold the new niece, and
wish we lived closer to
family, to friends, to
so many loved ones.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Kittens and puppies and tigers, oh my.

We went to the Marion mall today - Illinois Centre Mall to be exact (which Andy and I insist on pronouncing with a poor approximation of a French accent) - because it looked like it was going to rain and they have a pet store with puppies and kittens.

Ari's love of animals has set in hardcore at this point. I imagine a career as a circus performer, veterinarian, or trainer at SeaWorld... though I'm sure there are many more she will think of that haven't even sprung into my mind yet. She truly loves them - more than people I think - and any kind of animal will take her focus as well as a promised Hershey's kiss or the temptation of a brownie with sprinkles.

So... we went to Illinois Centre Mall and were walking toward the wing with the pet store - and right smack dab in the middle of the food court was some kind of crazy petting zoo where you can spend 8 minutes with two baby tiger cubs... for $25.

Needless to say, Ariana desperately wanted to play with the tigers. I told her we'd have to talk to Daddy about it first, and we went on to see the regular, domestic, and (luckily) still exciting animals at the pet store. Yet, on the way back out, we had to pass the tigers again - who are there as part of some kind of crazy magic show/petting zoo/merchandise up the wazoo kind of traveling business run by someone named Joe Exotic who looks slightly reminiscent of the man who ran the reptile farm in MO who Chloe, Rachel, and I happened upon September 11th (2001... but that is another story).

Anyway... she got caught up with tiger-play longing once more and was highly reluctant to leave... pitching a fit as I attempted to get her into the stroller without hurting her or getting bitten; after which I drove home surrounded by whining and petulant pleas for help, mixed in with requests to pet "grrrs."

I love that my daughter loves animals. I love that she is so passionate about something already, and how much happiness it seems to inspire in her to interact with any living creature that is not human (she likes them too, but it's really not the same). But today was the first day I felt the pangs of living within a very strict budget - and a sense that this interaction was the first among many where Mommy has to explain not everything can be purchased just because we want it. That there are limits to how much we can spend as a family, and things we buy have to be discussed and considered together before we can commit to them.

Not that it's a bad thing. Overall, I think it will ultimately be a good thing for her to experience as a member of our family. But, as a parent, there is a small little achy part of me that eagerly wanted to say yes and to watch her little face as we played with baby tigers. I think she probably would have squealed and giggled.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Wagon's About 25 Miles Away by Now

Oh dear. As those of you who are regular readers know, I have not posted in quite some time (since last Thursday to be exact, which is - I am literally just now realizing - nearly a week). Ouch.

A few reasons for breaking my own promise and eschewing the difficult but not impossible task I had set for myself which required a high level of self-discipline: our internet was down Friday, which was the same day we headed out of town. We were at my father's house without internet later that day, and on Saturday - I just forgot. Sunday we were back at my Dad's; Monday were were in transit and the internet was still not working when we got home. And since then, um... I have no very good excuse.

My indirect laser surgery (for the left eye) has been moved up to Monday, June 23, and so I've been feeling INSANELY anxious and stressed out trying to figure out if I can still do the workshop I was supposed to present at a conference on the 24th, as well as make it to Atlanta for the (very expensive) ASCA 2008 annual conference my parents helped pay for. Add to that two papers due very soon and a right eye that still has old glasses, and you've got one stressed out person who has also been watching a little 2 year old a lot lately because her husband has multiple deadlines as well and there is just not enough time in the day.

Ugh.

I was hoping to do some catch-up posting in an effort to at least honor the intention of blogging every day for a full year, but I can't decide if that's just too little too late... or some form of cheating or shirking away from the harsh, ugly truth of my failure.

One of the lessons I am seeking to learn lately has several layers, but is all interconnected to present roughly the same opportunity for growth:
  1. Learn to say no.
  2. Learn to let things go... not everything has to be done immediately.
  3. Learn to relax more or to handle stress in such a way that it does not derail life for extended periods of time.
  4. Accept failure - it's ok to get a B in a class or to not do every single thing that comes along that might put another feather in my cap (this is a very, very hard one for me right now).
So... to that end, I will embrace this failure, apologize to those of you to whom I feel I made, if nothing else, an indirect promise to write for every day, and move on.

Maybe one of these days I'll master the art of being in the now and not sweating the small stuff (it helps if you can even identify what is the small stuff). In the meantime, I'll try to post some observations from the days missed and stay on the metaphorical wagon in the weeks to come.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

W.T.F.

This week I've had very bad headaches again - very similar to the ones I had the week my retina detached in my right eye. I've been writing them off, thinking it has to do with my wonky prescription (I'm still waiting for my new glasses), but yesterday I saw a ring on the white floor of our bathroom when I looked down. I thought, "Well, that's odd."

Tried to figure out if it was coming from my right eye or my left, tried to figure out if it was related to something I had just been looking at, etc. Then decided to write it off because it was a dark ring, rather than a light ring. And hey... they just looked around recently and said: Everything is fine. You could wait until August for the second surgery if you wanted to.

Today I keep thinking there is a smudge on my glasses (there is not), and I can see floaters in the left eye. So we've moved from coincidental to worrisome, and I've got an appointment at 5:15pm. Andy has had jury duty this week and is in deliberations this afternoon and is therefore unreachable. His arrival time home is unknowable. This is not helping, seeing as how he's my anchor and best friend and husband and our 2 year-old will be up soon and needing to eat... right around 5:15pm.

I hope history is not repeated wherein I am forced to drop everything and drive to St. Louis (or rather be chauffeured by an amazing and selfless friend) to have emergency surgery. But at this point, honestly - I'm not really holding my breath. It's been a rough year or two and every time we think we're out from under the little black raincloud of bad luck, something new pops up and we are left shaking our heads in disbelief.

Mind you, I tend to believe everything happens for a reason, and I try very hard to stay positive. But in this moment, I am feeling upset, panicked, and angry.

So be it. Sometimes, that's how I am feeling. May as well embrace it and keep moving forward.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Gardenarium

One of the stories featured on Morning Edition today was about a nonprofit organization in Detroit that has begun to plant community gardens on foreclosed or abandoned properties to help offset rising food costs and reconnect community members in struggling areas. The food is free to any community members who may need it, and whatever remains gets donated to local food banks. Pretty cool idea.

The organization, called Urban Farming, hopes to create similar gardens in other parts of the country hit hard by the awful housing market. This, along with movements to increase community supported agriculture, local eating, and like-minded pursuits may significantly shift the way we think about food in this country.

Increasing self-sustained food growing efforts, community connection to local resources, and a sense of responsibility with regard to where we buy, how we prepare, and what we eat has become more and more important as the economy tanks and the weather gets worse.

One idea Andy and I want to look into: hydroponics. You never know what's going to happen with your growing season - particularly if you start getting hit with record-breaking temperatures, unexpected tornadoes and earthquakes, or anomalous flooding.

I think the reason the Urban Farming story has stayed with me all day is because of how much hope it gave me. I love that there are people in this world who can walk into at tragedy and create something productive and inspiring... who can connect people feeling scared or alienated and find a way to move forward.

Ingenuity can feel like a miracle in the right circumstances. And sometimes, I think we'll need a few of those in the next few years.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sweet/Home

Andy and I are planning a trip to Chicago with Ariana for this coming weekend and are very excited to see all of our Chi-town friends and for Ari to get to hang out with her buddy, Lily, who is almost exactly one year older than Ariana. Even though they are miles apart and hardly get to spend time together, they still have this strangely strong bond... it's like they knew they were friends before they even met.

Although this move has been difficult and it is sometimes lonely or stressful to be down here in the midst of so much transition and change (as if we are en route to the next stage... though even that becomes a stage of its own), it has afforded us some incredible learning opportunities. I think we've both grown tremendously and - although we would both probably say we're not quite at our destination yet - we have a better sense of who we wish to be.

It's a hard thing to feel lost. Not so unusual... but potentially very painful and sad. When it connects to your career, your home, your lifestyle, your values, etc. - it can be even stronger.

I have faith direction will be found... or at least that we will find a greater sense of purpose and balance within the unknowing that is the unavoidable chaos of life. We suspect the answer ultimately lies within, rather than without (an internal rather than external issue). So it will be interesting to see how those inner rumblings continue to shift and change as we alter our location in the coming days.

Whatever the result, it will be nice to see those we miss, and great to reintroduce Ari to the city where her mother and father first met.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Looking Back to Look Ahead

There was a second story I heard yesterday on NPR that also has stuck with me. It featured the life and work of Japanese artist, Ikuo Hirayama, who survived the 1945 atom bomb drop on Hiroshima.

Hirayama was 15 when the bomb dropped, and he has chosen to explore the devastation, sorrow, rebirth, and aftermath of such a traumatic event through his artwork - both on a personal level and a more cultural and national level. Many survivors deeply connect with his paintings, and Hirayama's path out of the ashes, past radiation sickness and the death of friends and family, included the study of Buddhism, which lead to a very successful career as a painter of well-known Buddhist images.

They story described one of his largest and most famous works, "The Holocaust of Hiroshima," a replica of which is on display at the Hiroshima Atomic Bomb Memorial Park. The painting not only seeks to visually depict his own experience on August 6, but also the overall effect the flash and fire of the bomb had on the city. The incorporation of Buddhist images speaks to his desire to see the city reborn so that it may rise again... hopefulness in the wake of true devastation.

It reminded me of a book I read a long time ago called Requiem by Shizuko Go. It is no longer in print, and my attempts to find it so I may give it as a gift to others ended, for years, in failure; however, you can now find used copies available on Amazon.com.

It follows a young girl through the dropping of the bomb and its aftermath upon her home, her family, and her friends. I think I first read it in high school, and I remember being so moved by the story. No history class or textbook had ever delved into the human cost and traumatic aspect of the event, and it helped me to see and contextualize that part of my history as an American much more fully.

I am not nearly as adept with history as I would like to be. I'm always amazed at the way Andy can remember important facts and figures and can contextualize history across decades and centuries, countries and continents, so that he sees larger patterns and parallels. People who are able to do that always amaze me, and stories like the one featuring Hirayama remind me how important it is to remember our past and the ways in which our cultural heritage informs our future self.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

a.m. gift

This morning's Speaking of Faith featured the life and work of Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel. If you missed it, I highly recommend checking it out - they've got a podcast you can download if you don't get the program on your local public radio station.

I knew nothing of Heschel prior to hearing the program, so I found it quite fascinating. He worked closely with Martin Luther King, Jr. on the civil rights movement, protested the war in Vietnam from a religious standpoint, and worked to foster cooperation and understanding among different faiths by highlighting their commonalities and emphasizing the call of any individual linked to the divine to ultimately do his or her best to serve humanity.

His social advocacy efforts and perspective on prayer, faith, and one's relationship to God spoke very directly to me and my own spiritual journey and questions. I think his take on Judaism and religion in general seem to sync up with my take on Unitarian Universalism and the humanist aspect of that faith.

As a mystic, transcendental poet, and activist, he strikes me as an enlightened guy - and he certainly has been heralded by some as a prophet. It made me realize I know very little about prophets or enlightened teachers from multiple faiths; it's something I'd like to learn more about in the coming years.

Such men and women inspire me to be a better person. To seek, live, and offer the divine in my own living. To advocate for others, be an agent of change, serve my fellow humans in whatever way I can, and strive toward compassion and love for everyone I meet.

Not that I come even close on most days... but I believe there is merit in the effort, beauty in the pursuit, and purpose in the goal.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Basic Skills + School Counselor Endorsement = Wiped Out (or... The Path to Type 73 Certification and Licensure Feels Long Today)

Certification:
Ten hours of testing today.
Happy to be done,

But fried and tired.
Two tests down and two to go!
(No more questions please.)

Friday, June 6, 2008

Unrelated S&J (two-for-one special)

"S"
Why in the world are people still reporting media stories using language like, "We may be in a recession"?

With unemployment rising another .5%, the dollar dropping in value all around the world, gas and energy prices rising, foreclosures continuing to effect individuals and families at multiple socioeconomic levels, multiple companies shutting down factories or closing down offices leading to hundreds of thousands of layoffs, and people looking for work and finding none in nearly every industry imaginable: WE ARE IN A RECESSION PEOPLE.

Instead of blithely pretending it isn't so, or trying to persuade the American public to forgo panic and remain hopeful that such an ecomonic categorization is as-of-yet unconfirmed, why not just be upfront about it and start looking at ways we can make things better for the millions of Americans who are truly struggling?

Intentional ignorance is helping no one, and pretending as if it might actually be debatable or some kind of collective cultural myth is ultimately pretty insulting.

Forgive the soapbox, but consider it a kind of angry sorrow.

"J"
We bought a Snoopy Sno Cone Maker from our local toy store for Ariana in a fit of nostalgic glee, believing her love of ice and the inclusion of a sweet, syrupy topping would make it an indisputable hit with our ice-chip-loving daughter.

Hoping to spring it on her at just the right moment, we had hidden it away in the closet of Andy's office. Tonight seemed perfect: Ari was hyped up on Benedryl for a weird rash on her legs, has not been getting enough sleep, and was generally feeling grumpy and unpleasable.

So... Andy opened it up, cleaned every part, set it all up, and prepped her for what to expect... ice! With grape flavor! Yummy!

I had not remembered that the special syrup for the sno cone maker is actually a kool-aid knockoff. You make 2 quarts of it, put it in the little snowman squirty guy, and voila: flavored sno cone.

Here's the nice part: Ari hated it. She didn't like the grape stuff and kept saying, "pleh" - which essentially means it tastes yucky and she wants no more. We don't give her sugary drinks, she's never had caffeine of any kind, and we try to stay away from anything too chemical-y where she's concerned.

So... our little girl tasted this stuff, from which she has been shielded thus far (stuff Andy and I both grew up on and drank like some sort of kiddie ambrosia), and she detested it. Pleh, Daddy. Pleh, Mommy.

Which made me feel very happy.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Green Thang

In an effort to live a "greener" and more eco-friendly lifestyle, I intend - every few months or so - to try making my own chemical-free cleaners to use in our home. I record recipes or mixtures I come across that are supposed to be both allergy-free and successfully cleanser-y so that we may be left with grimeless surfaces and shiny appliances, tubs, toilets, etc.

Making this stuff is generally (if one is to believe the suggestions found in magazines, websites, and books) very easy to make. A little water here, a little vinegar there. I saw one today that relied on Arm & Hammer washing soda (yes... washing, not baking).

With such cheap ingredients and so few steps, you'd think I'd have concocted some of these solutions years ago and tried them out in my house. But for some reason, I have persisted in buying expensive, chemically-enhanced cleaners in favor of the homemade version because (I think) deep down in my heart I suspect they work better. And I don't like germs. Or dirt.

As someone with asthma, it is ridiculous that I have not at least tried some vinegar/lemon alternative - before rejecting it outright - just in case it does miraculously clean my counters and leave the house smelling fresh!

I'm not entirely sure what the holdup or the hesitation may be. Perhaps it's laziness? Perhaps an inherent distaste for change? Perhaps a fear it will work so well I'll kick myself and feel all angry for not having transitioned sooner?

What stuff do you hesitate to do? What are the things you know you should be doing... and yet, week after week - perhaps year after year - they sit (undone, neglected, forlorn) by their lonely little selves waiting for some kind of personal revelation that will move you forward into action.

My personal list of as-of-yet abandoned and neglected goals:
  • Exercise
  • Eat right
  • Pare down on my possessions
  • Organize my junk
  • Identify my trash (and throw it out!)
  • Take vitamins
  • Find a therapist to work with on an as-needed basis
  • Read more school counseling articles and books
  • Work on the landscaping
  • Paint the garage and touch up the house
  • Paint inside and try to finish up as much as possible
  • And... oh yeah... start using green cleaners made from scratch!
I think a very large part of life involves striving toward a personal evolution, wherein we see the potential we have yet to reach... the person we long to be but have yet to become (or are able to be in sparkling, rare moments that feel like peacelovejoyharmonyexcitedYES when they occur).

Some may see this as a movement toward the divine, others as a way to become ever-more human. Whether it is enlightenment or grounding, spiritual or physical, ecstatic or humbling... most of us seek to improve upon who we are and how we live. And sometimes it is filled with purpose and direction; other times it is fraught with fumbling and guesswork. But it's movement nonetheless.

My movement just happens to involve hot water, washing soda, lemon juice, and a lot of vinegar. At least for today.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

A bit of negotiation among developmental milestones.

I realized something today while contemplating what to write for this entry...

For the past several months, Andy and I have been anxiously awaiting the generally-accepted shift in talking that is supposed to occur when a child reaches 2 years of age. Now mind you, every child is different and all children develop in their own time, etc. - something a parent knows, rationally, to be true (yet feeling it in your heart is quite different) - and although we knew she might drag her little feet, metaphorically speaking, when it came time to speak, we also I think wished and hoped and prayed we would have a different outcome. That she would suddenly burst forth with glorious and uninhibited language... telling us of all her dreams, fears, needs, and inside jokes.

Ari had a much different sense of what her timetable looked like. She had a different sense of what her priorities were when she reached 2, and all of our frantic efforts to produce greater amounts of speech have been met, primarily, with a sort of calm and willful stubbornness that seems to be a marked characteristic of our young daughter's personality.

She is reluctant to say words she does not feel confident pronouncing, and she gets a bit mule-like when pressed to repeat words on command or to perform (as I imagine she experiences it) like a trained parrot or pony.

So we've been forced to be patient. She has quietly insisted we cool our jets and stop pushing so hard for some kind of vocal genesis and instead has insisted we take it at her pace.

Meanwhile... she wishes to race ahead physically. She keeps asking to climb trees and scale gym equipment that is at least 12-feet high. She loves heights and likes to jump on things like stairs and chairs and high walls and rocks and the edges of ponds, etc. She wants to run after birds and be far from sight and reach... she pushes ahead and seeks to establish herself as the leader, myself and Andy following after like chattering birds warning of some kind of vague danger she has neither a context for nor interest in.

And thus, we quibble and wiggle and confer and compromise - all three of us - as we attempt to collaboratively navigate these precarious changes of childhood and seek to find a path that seems authentic and comfortable despite our hoped-for versions of said journey.

The storyteller, the healer, and the daredevil... chatting in broken languages, half-understanding, as they float, scramble, and clamber over uneven ground, searching for a direction all three can maintain.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Historical

We just heard Obama clinched the nomination for the Democratic Party. Despite the craziness of the primary cycle this year and the increasingly stubborn attitude of Hillary Clinton... he has definitively won, and now we'll just watch and see what Hillary does next. (Andy's and my guess: trying to force herself onto the ticket as the VP.)

It's very exciting though, and quite thrilling to look at Obama and think, "This man could be my next president."

I would hope it would move our country forward, would help Americans feel like they took back some control in their government... that they had someone more in tune with their concerns and goals. I would hope it would help us move toward greater equality and less discrimination - to heal and constructively address some of our mistakes and divisions based on race and ethnicity.

And I really hope I am right in thinking it might mean having a president who is not ridiculously corrupted or embroiled in things that lead to poor decisions because of a need to self-serve, self-protect, or self-promote.

History has been made tonight and will hopefully be made again in November. I would love Ari to grow up during a Barack Obama presidency.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Being Thankful

So our brakes went out today while I was driving with Ari. They stopped working as I was coming up to an intersection, and I had to use the emergency brake. Luckily, the brakes began working after that if I pressed the pedal all the way to the floor and we were able to make it home so it could be towed away to the shop we always use.

We had all green lights all the way home, and the brakes continued to work all the way up until we stopped the car in the driveway. I felt very lucky that they didn't go out completely, that we didn't have to stop at any point, and that we are both safe.

Very, very lucky. And thankful.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Some (Not All) of the Places We've Been Thinking About Lately

Atlanta, GA
Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill, NC
Denver, CO
Nashville, TN

Not necessarily these places... more like near them or just outside them... unless we can find an area within the city that is a) affordable, b) safe, c) close to work/school for all of us, and d) have what we need to create a sustainable home... otherwise, close enough to go into the city easily for museums, gardens, things to do, etc. but far enough out that we can have a garden and good schools.

And, of course, the bottom line will be work for both of us.

It seems a silly thing to blog about, but it's something we think about a lot lately. A lot. Which is silly and runs counter to our attempts to live in the here-and-now and enjoy where we are (and not worry so much about the future). But we've noticed we kind of struggle with that. A lot.

To live in a country with so many options is amazing... to know we could resettle in multiple places once we figured out the logistical details is remarkable. Sometimes I wonder if we fixate on this stuff because it brings us joy, in some fashion, to do so.

It's fun to think about the what if of moving to a new place. To consider a whole new climate or to think about the people we know in different places and what it would be like to be closer to them. It's fun to look at all the different types of homes out there and to imagine the place that would fit all three of our needs in the best way possible - at least for the next chunk of years.

I have no idea where we'll land, but it will be quite a new adventure.