Gratitude

What does it mean when we receive "thanks" from others? How does it impact you to know you have made a difference in someone else's life... even if it's just a tiny glimmer of hope or a brief moment of emotional calm? What does it mean to feel valued? To feel your efforts are worthwhile and carry a greater purpose beyond your own limited imaginings?

I think sometimes we choose to do things that feel as if they are in vain. Or they are selfishly motivated. Or that - even if we have an inkling they may impact other people on some higher level - we don't truly believe it will be that big of a deal. It's just me. Doing what I do. Or doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing. Even though I have absolutely no idea what to do and am just totally making it up as I go along.

My guess is, we all share that boat sometimes... sailing out in unsheltered, uncharted waters. Trying to find our way with a wonky compass and a vessel that feels too small and too untested for the task ahead.

But you do matter. That's my belief, at least. You impact hundreds of thousands of lives in the course of your one lifetime... and you touch people every day. Now, maybe sometimes you spread ripples of frustration, or fear, or anxiety, or anger. But - I'm guessing - you also send out ripples of kindness, caring, generosity, creativity, and beauty.

We all want to feel like we matter. Not only to ourselves, but to others as well. And the funny thing... the very humanly paradoxical thing is: We all do. Without even trying. We're all spun together in this chaotic, quixotic, chimeric, and often silly event called life... and so our actions (be they small or large) inevitably shift the world around us.

So what will you do with all that power? What is the balance between personal and social responsibility? Between selfishness and selflessness? What is the path you choose to tread if you know it is not all in vain?

You do matter. You are making a difference.

Thank you.

A world full of frailty

Some days I listen to the morning news and wonder how it is one rationalizes seemingly small concerns like finishing the renovations on a home finding a place to live picking classes for the next semester deciding whether my daughter's language skills are developing on time worrying about the balance in the bank account creating a menu for the week and seeking to create the most efficient shopping list I can manage while trying to keep up with homework laundry cooking home repair.

But there are people being shot for leaving their homes in other parts of the world there are middle school children dying from heroin overdose just a few states away there are 9 year olds struggling through withdrawal and all I can think when I'm told there is a drug epidemic is oh my god I can't send my daughter to school how do I keep her safe (and then I think I am going to be a school counselor how can I help keep all my students safe)?

There are people left with nothing because of floods and they join the thousands upon hundreds of thousands of others who have been displaced their possessions destroyed or lost to unforeseen circumstances no one wants to take responsibility for and there is no way they can find recompense because it is chaos it is unpredictable and unfortunate and devastating and all you can do is reach out when you can and offer what you can.

But still... there are mornings when I hear these stories and wish I could simply save those shopkeepers those parents those children those flood victims those civilians caught in the crossfire those 4,000 and counting by praying or being a good person or working to do right by those around me and some would say that's enough but the body counts and bad days and crazy weather and sad stories just keep coming keep escalating and it could happen at any time to anyone because we are all human and most of us are just doing the very best we can with what we have.

Balance, faith, and impossible possibilities

I started the day with multiple announcements via NPR of deaths in Iraq, Israel, and a realtor who was raped showing a house to a man pretending to be an interested buyer. Sometimes I feel so concerned about the world Ari will eventually be entering as an independent and separate little person. It's hard to imagine the time at which it will feel safe orI will feel ready to let her go and trust she will be okay. (Makes me much more empathetic to my mother's worries, questions, and attention to my own life!)

Andy and I are very focused right now on finding a balanced path that unites all three of our lives and individual journeys in a way that will be productive and happy for all of us. Not an easy task, especially when one of the three cannot yet articulate her concerns, needs, interests, or goals! But we attempt it nonetheless and seek to find the middle way (a Bhuddist concept very central to my husband's and often my approach to life). This had led to much career confusion for both of us, along with some painful bouts of indecision and stagnancy.

But... I feel we are on the right path, and I have faith in not only our ability to accomplish this goal we've set for ourselves, but also a delight in and commitment to the effort itself. I am grateful I have a partner for whom such an active, mindful search is important and present.

It connects back to our own path toward one another and process by which we eventually got married and began a life together. We held out for something we had faith existed... not perfection, not an ideal, not the one and only - rather, we refused to settle... we held out for something striving toward constant improvement that simultaneously embraced challenge and sought balance between everything and nothing.

I think we both find it helpful to apply the allegory of our relationship to the travails of our larger, more occupation- and finance-focused adult lives. Don't settle... be realistic while setting high standards... look for the healthy balance, the acceptable compromise, the middle way... be willing to work for it - really really really hard... and above all, have faith. It's important to believe such things are possible and worthwile.