Near the End

Today is Feb. 1, which means I am 7 days away from my last post... having reached a full year of blogging daily per the task I set for myself.

I think it is timely for a number of reasons, one being my propensity of late to blog about myself. How boring.

This all began in conjunction with a feeling of being called to pursue the UU ministry. A strange and unexpected experience that ultimately resulted in my deciding to put such pursuits on hold for the time being. And, although Andy and I became official members of our local Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, we have not attended services for several months now. I'm not sure why. Again, probably for a number of reasons.

Do I still think I am meant to be a UU minister? I have no idea. I feel so lost some days it's somewhat disheartening. I do believe I am meant to pursue and find a more spiritual path to my life... but whether that is something that becomes a public and/or shared journey is yet to be seen.

In the meantime, I continue to listen each day to the thousands of stories around me and to pray for others in more difficult circumstances than I. What is startling is how many of those stories you will hear when you really start listening for them. When your ears open up to the suffering around you, so does your heart. And for many, action follows short behind.

I am extremely grateful to all those who have made this trek with me and especially for those who have shared their comments, feedback, advice, love, etc. My spiritual awakening was made richer by your participation... and for that, I deeply thank you.

We are all so interconnected. Truly. Sometimes that is an essential thing to remember.

Wrong Number?

I have been thinking a lot in the last few days about the situation that led me to start this blog in the first place: feeling called to pursue the ministry - specifically, as a Unitarian Universalist minister.

How do you know if you've been called? What does it feel like? What happens if you ignore it? Or think you were called but you weren't? Or were but just felt like it was really bad timing?

Another woman at my church, when I told her I had felt called one day during services at the Fellowship, said, "What did it feel like?" She said she asked because she had also felt called and yet wasn't sure she had interpreted it correctly. So she wanted to sort of compare experiences or hear what mine had been in order to contextualize her own.

My guess is, everyone has a different story. While they may have similarities (like so many religions), every person's experience will be affected by his or her filters, perceptions, beliefs, expectations, and interpretations... leading to a myriad of strikingly different but no less valid events leading to a shared conclusion.

And then there are people like me, who know they felt something (maybe even felt it was undeniable), and then rationally look at the prospect of following such a path and find it riddled with complexities and challenges. Not a bad thing, but definitely a harder thing.

My friend who is a pastor described her experience as hearing God directly communicating to her and telling her to go into the ministry. I would have to say, my experience contained no direct talking, no clear detailed instructions, and no sense that any one entity was singling me out and pointing with a divine finger toward a new and spiritually-laden horizon.

Instead, it felt more like an epiphany... an ah ha moment wherein so many heretofore disconnected and seemingly disjointed pieces of my life suddenly settled into a clear and beautiful picture wherein I could see myself... see myself... true and clear and defined and being.

Then my minister recommended I pursue anything else that might make me happy, my husband and I really sat down and looked at the numbers, and my daughter got to an age I knew I would painfully regret missing if I were engaged in pursuits that took me away from her for several more years of schooling.

Add in the fact that we do not attend church every week, I don't read every Unitarian Universalist piece of literature I can get my hands on, I score highest on Lifestyle when taking any kind of values inventory, and I left theatre because I was sick of working nights and weekends... and I'm left wondering if it's okay to pick up the phone, have a short conversation, and then pretend like you aren't home.

The Arist, The Canvas (or: meaning against the backdrop of purpose)

I had lunch with a fellow classmate today who is an astounding and inspiring woman. She has lived a varied and exciting life full of great accomplishments in the way of helping, encouraging, and ministering to other people.

One thing she said today that really stood out to me was, "No one is an accident." We had been talking about purpose and meaning and how some people feel lost in their lives or can't seem to find a reason to keep going... they feel disconnected, isolated, or without worth.

In those times, she said, it's important to remember that one's life is not an accident. Everyone's life has purpose and everyone is connected to God (which she and I probably think of a bit differently).

I tend to believe we are all connected to something larger than ourselves... something through which we are interwoven and interconnected, along the lines of quantum physics or string theory. Add in the spiritual and the scientific becomes metaphysical... the space between atoms becomes a deeper and more meaningful place within which something magical or sacred can reside.

It's difficult, sometimes, to find or define one's purpose in life. And I do think the ways in which we find meaning or that which we prioritize and deem important and fulfilling in life (think of Curly's "one thing" in City Slickers) can change over time.

But I love the articulation of the concept that every life has purpose and meaning simply through its mere existence. Sort of a Buddhist idea in the sense that being is the point. Is is the point. And thus no life is without worth or purpose. It is as it should be.

I sometimes think that if you could stand outside of time and see all the lives that are, have been, and will be, it would be like looking at one of those pictures made up of tinier pictures... each distinct image holding its own but also being caught in a pattern much larger - and ultimately more complex and grander - than its own.

I think that would be a rather lovely thing to view. An intentional yet chaotic portrait of this tremendous roller coaster we call life.

Hold please...

So I've decided to put my ministerial aspirations (and totally unexpected calling) on hold. At least for the time being.

There are many reasons... the first being one of my minister's pieces of advice (passed along to him by another minister when he first considered divinity school): If there's anything else you can do, do it.

I got the same piece of advice when I started to pursue theatre. And I did not listen. And ultimately, I'm glad I did not listen, but - many years later and several lessons wiser - I understand where it's coming from and I no longer take such advice lightly.

Many assessments, much conversing with others, and lots of talks with Andy later... I ended up feeling like the practicalities and logistics of pursuing the ministry and actually being a minister did not sound like a good fit... at least for right now. After all, I left theatre precisely so that I could have a more sane schedule, have most of my evenings and weekends free, and be doing something that matched better with my child's schedule so that I could be a mommy.

SO. The latest decision (and lord knows it could change again) is to continue on with my current line of study, find a job as a school counselor, and see how that feels. Maybe it will be a perfect fit. Maybe I will find other ways to fulfill my spiritual inclinations and social outreach. Maybe it will simply be something to do while Ari is young so that I have more time with her. We shall see.

I figure, it's not like it's going to disappear or be any less viable 10 years from now. In fact, I might be even more qualified and prepared to shift gears at that point and might end up better serving the folks around me. Who knows.

There are many ways to serve a larger moral and social purpose. Many avenues to take toward helping others. Many roads. Many possibilities. And many reasons to take it one step at a time.

Commitment

Yesterday I became an offical member of the Carbondale Unitarian Fellowship. Today I got my welcome letter and a Unitarian Universalist Pocket Guide. As someone who was raised without a formal religious affiliation or any kind of church connection whatsoever, this is a big step. One I did not foresee prior to moving down to Carbondale, IL (which certainly sometimes only feels understandable to me and my husband by applying a theory of divine guidance).

One of my faculty members teased me about feeling called to pursue the ministry as a UU prior to even becoming a member at my local fellowship - which I thought was fair. I'm not sure why it happened, and I get the sense of caution, concern, confusion, and questioning I've received from certain people in my life. Totally get it.

All I can say is it brings me great joy to be a member. It is a wonderful, unexpected gift to have a spiritual home I am excited to enter each week. And it is an incredible surprise to feel called and to not be able to shake it no matter how much I try to rationally think and ponder and query my way out of it.

So... we shall see. Commitment has been an incredible challenge and lesson for me in this lifetime, and I have an inkling (like a small little voice in the very back corner of my mind) that may be the entire point of this opportunity. A challenge from the larger knowing of my existence to let go of fear and enter into a promise that is all-encompasing and larger than myself. One which I will make as a covenant with humanity, on a scale that requires a level of selflessness and humility unavoidable by my ego/consicous/personal self.

Ultimately, I have faith I'll figure it out along the way... and that there is purpose in the unknowing in the meantime.