Near the End

Today is Feb. 1, which means I am 7 days away from my last post... having reached a full year of blogging daily per the task I set for myself.

I think it is timely for a number of reasons, one being my propensity of late to blog about myself. How boring.

This all began in conjunction with a feeling of being called to pursue the UU ministry. A strange and unexpected experience that ultimately resulted in my deciding to put such pursuits on hold for the time being. And, although Andy and I became official members of our local Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, we have not attended services for several months now. I'm not sure why. Again, probably for a number of reasons.

Do I still think I am meant to be a UU minister? I have no idea. I feel so lost some days it's somewhat disheartening. I do believe I am meant to pursue and find a more spiritual path to my life... but whether that is something that becomes a public and/or shared journey is yet to be seen.

In the meantime, I continue to listen each day to the thousands of stories around me and to pray for others in more difficult circumstances than I. What is startling is how many of those stories you will hear when you really start listening for them. When your ears open up to the suffering around you, so does your heart. And for many, action follows short behind.

I am extremely grateful to all those who have made this trek with me and especially for those who have shared their comments, feedback, advice, love, etc. My spiritual awakening was made richer by your participation... and for that, I deeply thank you.

We are all so interconnected. Truly. Sometimes that is an essential thing to remember.

Resolutionish

The end of each year provides an opportunity to consider the year we are leaving behind and to reflect upon what we want to do better in the year ahead. Here are a few of my thoughts as 2008 ends and 2009 is about to begin.

I want to...

• Appreciate my husband more and to tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me more often.
• Let go of the sometime-frustration or upset that arises when spending time with Ari; she's only 2 and most of the time I'm the one being unreasonable in my expectations or limited in my patience. She is one of the most amazing beings ever... she deserves to be thoroughly valued and honored for her best qualities and forgiven the ones that pose more challenge.
• Get my house clean and organized! I am so tired of living with too much, living in a half-finished environment, and living in what feels like chaos. Although we are likely to be just as busy in 2009 as we were in 2008 (if not more so), we can still make a better dent than we are currently.
• Enjoy myself more, feel happier more often, and feel more gratitude. Being at peace and noticing the blessings in life is an active choice, and one that there is no reason to delay. I want to become better at this.
• Go greener. Improve our output in terms of what we generate and improve our intake in terms of what we bring into the house.
• Go more natural with our food. Eat more whole foods, organic foods, and healthy foods! Andy got me Super Natural Cooking for Christmas, and so I am very excited to redesign our pantry, and discover new ways of conceptualizing health, nutrition, and meal-making.
• Incorporate exercise in some fashion. I know it's way obvious to go this route on such a list, but it's applicable and appropriate for my life, so there ya go. (Lately, I've been thinking tai chi... so perhaps a do-at-home DVD would be a good start.)
• Communicate more with my friends and family... let them know how important they are to me and what they bring to my life. I think I tend to be an overly private and reserved person... and I know some of my struggles with intimacy and commitment can lead to less effusive expression despite very strong feelings I may hold for those most dear to me.
• Do something in 2009 that will positively impact society at large. I'm not sure yet what this will be... but I want to continue to find ways to impact others' lives in a constructive and beneficial way—whether on a big or small scale, recognized or anonymous. My goal is to increase my social action efforts.
• Invest more in my spiritual growth. I'm not sure if this means staying with the Unitarian Universalist church or branching out elsewhere to see if there is a better home for me. I know it means continuing to pray and define my relationship to prayer, as well as to meditate in a more intentional and dedicated way so that it becomes part of my daily routine. (I also got some way cool Buddhist-themed books from my family on Andy's side... so I am very excited to delve into those!)

May your 2009 be full of love, discovery, change, and peace.

Obscure Beauty

I heard on the radio yesterday Eartha Kitt had died. As is so often the case with celebrities, there were lots of stories, commentaries, editorial notes, etc. about her life and the many things that made her unique... one might even say great.

It made me think about this love affair we seem to have with the famous in American culture. We adore, pedestal-ize, twitter over, and eventually eulogize those who have reached stardom with a sort of myopic, laserbeam focus - forgetting or often not even noticing the many acts of courage, kindess, and generosity going on around us all the time.

It was one of the reasons I loved the CNN Heroes concept so much... except that, ironically, the very act of recognizing those heroes on such a grand and public scope - even ending with an awards ceremony and the "top hero" of the bunch (who very humbly suggested those in the audience raise/donate the same amount of her award for every other person nominated).

Maybe there is no middle ground between obscurity and celebrity. Although - I have seen it from time to time... the celebration and mourning of an ordinary life that managed to touch thousands of people without every garnering what any of us would consider extraordinary praise or public notice.

I've been thinking about it a lot not only because of my own internal struggle with recognition and obsurity, but also from the standpoint of school counseling and character education or classroom guidance. How do we teach good character to our youth? How do we model it? How do we encourage it?

I tend to think it aligns with both the Unitarian Universalist and Buddhist approaches, which differ slightly but have, fundamentally, the same end. You do what is right because it is right. UUs support action tied to a fundamental creed - a personal and collective promise - based upon the concepts of social connection, interpersonal equilibrium, and humanitarian responsibility. Similarly, the Buddhist approach also seems to be one of action, but perhaps one that is also tied into spiritual harmony and personal enlightenment (which in turn leads to greater compassion and ability to help others).

In either case, the idea is not to seek accolades, recognition, or praise for one's work. To commit random acts of kindness that are unsung expressions of love.

I like what Abraham Lincoln said on the subject (which sounds a bit like a Zen koan):

"Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow.

The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing."

So how do we celebrate our ordinary heroes without making right action heroic? How do we encourage responsibility and compassion while underscoring such things should be the norm, rather than the exception?

Perhaps the first step is simply opening our experience to include the acts of generosity, compassion, and bravery taking place in our own lives. To notice our local and personal heroes and to see if we might be able to do the same for someone else - even if, and perhaps especially if, no one will ever know.

Black Friday

It was stunning this morning to start our day hearing news that the persons responsible for the attacks in Mumbai had not yet been stopped. The news of such a terrible event on a holiday like Thanksgiving was very sad, and even sadder was the news today of the many lives lost in the last three days.

Then we heard about the two people killed by a gunman in Toys R Us, and the worker trampled to death in Wal-Mart. And I know hundreds of thousands of people die daily and that it's very dangerous to shape one's worldview based upon the inevitably biased reporting of what is determined news by any given media outlet.

But still... it was hard not to think WTF, and I have definitely been struggling to not become completely discouraged and disheartened. Ironically, we watched CNN Heroes: An All-Star Tribute last night. So odd to have two days dichotomously filled with some of the worst and best acts of humanity.

I guess where I have ultimately ended up today is trying to think about my impact on the world and what it means to balance the Christian principal to treat others as I might want to be treated; the Democratic philosophy that we all deserve respect and dignity, which means treating all others as my equal; the Buddhist concept of suffering and what it means to work toward the elimination of suffering in the world--to strive for enlightenment and peace within myself in order to aide the peace of others; and the Unitarian Universalist tradition of social action, human justice, and a creedal foundation of compassion and activity.

Although I believe I have made choices and put forth changes in my life that moves toward the direction of these ideals, I do believe there is still more I can do. And so... today has reminded me of the importance of remaining mindful, while also taking steps to bring thought and word to eventual action.

Thoughts on Words (and words for thoughts)

I am praying for the people of Cuba.
I am praying for the people of New Orleans.
I am hoping the city stays safe, stays dry, stays livable
in the wake of yet another storm...
too close on the heels of the first.

I read an article today in the UUA magazine (UU World) written by UUA President, William Sinkford, entitled "Our Calling." There was a section of the article wherein he called on Unitarian Universalitsts to be as accepting of and open to Christian ideologies, rituals, beliefs, and semantics as UUs tend to be with religions such as Buddhism, Judaism, and Native American spirituality.

As someone who grew up in a very non-religious household and who tends to cringe when I hear the word "Jesus" invoked in prayer, I took his message to heart and have chewed on it, pondered over it, and let it roll around my gut for a good part of the day.

His point, or one of them, was that - at its core - one of the most important messages of Christianity (love they neighbor as thyself) is also a basic tenant within the convenent of the UU faith and its seven principles. The UU commitment to advocating for others, seeking justice and equity, respecting all people and honoring the divine and sacred in everyone around us is quite connected to the Christian concept of treating others as you would wish to be treated, honoring the "God" - the power, the oneness, the whateveryouwishtocallit - that connects and binds us all.

And so... no matter what words one might use, I imagine we all pray for the safety of those in the path of danger. Our blessings, compassion, and love are expressed in a multitude of ways - but within them is the common seed of acknowledged humanity and interconnection, and the fervent hope that no one may suffer needlessly.

For the in the celebration and protection of one, is the triumph and salvation of many.

Wrong Number?

I have been thinking a lot in the last few days about the situation that led me to start this blog in the first place: feeling called to pursue the ministry - specifically, as a Unitarian Universalist minister.

How do you know if you've been called? What does it feel like? What happens if you ignore it? Or think you were called but you weren't? Or were but just felt like it was really bad timing?

Another woman at my church, when I told her I had felt called one day during services at the Fellowship, said, "What did it feel like?" She said she asked because she had also felt called and yet wasn't sure she had interpreted it correctly. So she wanted to sort of compare experiences or hear what mine had been in order to contextualize her own.

My guess is, everyone has a different story. While they may have similarities (like so many religions), every person's experience will be affected by his or her filters, perceptions, beliefs, expectations, and interpretations... leading to a myriad of strikingly different but no less valid events leading to a shared conclusion.

And then there are people like me, who know they felt something (maybe even felt it was undeniable), and then rationally look at the prospect of following such a path and find it riddled with complexities and challenges. Not a bad thing, but definitely a harder thing.

My friend who is a pastor described her experience as hearing God directly communicating to her and telling her to go into the ministry. I would have to say, my experience contained no direct talking, no clear detailed instructions, and no sense that any one entity was singling me out and pointing with a divine finger toward a new and spiritually-laden horizon.

Instead, it felt more like an epiphany... an ah ha moment wherein so many heretofore disconnected and seemingly disjointed pieces of my life suddenly settled into a clear and beautiful picture wherein I could see myself... see myself... true and clear and defined and being.

Then my minister recommended I pursue anything else that might make me happy, my husband and I really sat down and looked at the numbers, and my daughter got to an age I knew I would painfully regret missing if I were engaged in pursuits that took me away from her for several more years of schooling.

Add in the fact that we do not attend church every week, I don't read every Unitarian Universalist piece of literature I can get my hands on, I score highest on Lifestyle when taking any kind of values inventory, and I left theatre because I was sick of working nights and weekends... and I'm left wondering if it's okay to pick up the phone, have a short conversation, and then pretend like you aren't home.

A Request

We didn't go to church today. Too much to do in preparation for a visit from Papa Gallo and the generally disjointed and hectic feel of summer has kept us away for several weeks now.

This caused me some minor sadness at missing services yet again, but I did not think much of it until we were in the car on our way home from Flamm Orchards this afternoon and Andy told me about the shooting this morning in Tennessee. It was a Unitarian Universalist church in Knoxville.

Although I have been surprised and upset to hear of every church shooting that has occurred recently (and there have been frighteningly many), this one hit me harder because it was my faith. My chosen venue of worship. And so, in a sense, my people--even though I don't personally know any of them. I still feel connected through our faith, our principles, and our fellowships.

It happened at 10:15am this morning, which is exactly the time we usually leave to attend our church. At that time of morning at the Fellowship, people are usually all over the building - talking in the common room, finding seats in the fellowship hall before worship officially starts, taking excited children to RE classes and chatting with other members about summer activities. It is an atmosphere of peace, love, warmth, and connection. I am guessing the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church is very similar.

As of writing this, one person has died and eight people are in serious to critical condition at the hospital. They have a suspect in custody, and the community is banding together to support those affected by the violence.

Please, if you would, keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I have no doubts they could use your blessings.

An Internal Tiny Shift with Potentially Large External Results

One of the emphases in my graduate program has been a strength-based approach to counseling. The idea being you can aid your clients more effectively by focusing on and highlighting strengths they possess or times they have triumphed over struggle in order to help sustain motivation and, more importantly, hope.

Today I was watching Happy Feet with Ariana and started thinking about difference and socially perceived weakness. Which led me to think about ostracization and group behavior in which those who are perceived to be other, different, weak, or strange are separated from the majority of the group.

Those concepts of seeing someone from a strength-based perspective and treating others with compassion (which is certainly present in the Unitarian Universalist tradition, as well as among many other faiths) strikes me as being an inherently constructive approach to interacting and living with others.

Perhaps it is a good mindfulness exercise... to approach every situation with another human being as an opportunity and a challenge to find and embrace the positive. By seeing beauty, accepting frailty, and connecting with strength, we may be able to feel less isolated ourselves while being an encouraging and affirming source for others.

Epiphany at the UU

I have been lost, it might be safe to say, since around 2002. It may have been connected to being laid off from a great job with an e-learning company in Chicago. It may have been several years of simultaneously defining myself as an actor, writer, arts instructor, choreographer, director, journalist, and manager. Whatever the reason... this sense of searching has been with me for so long that it had begun to feel rather familiar and less than transitory.

Jump cut forward to Sunday, February 10, 2008. I am sitting in the UU Fellowship in Carbondale, IL where I currently reside. It is unusual that I am attending the service, as I am normally in the nursery area watching my soon-to-be 2-year old daughter, Ariana, play... helping out with the other children as needed. I had switched places with my husband on this day to attend a service in which one of my instructors, Dr. Kimberly Asner-Self, was going to speak. She, however, was not going to make it. And so there I was, feeling a little torn as to whether I should relieve Andy (the hubby) from being caught in the nursery or should stay for the rest of the service, when I was hit by a very gentle yet strong revelation: I should become a Unitarian Universalist minister.

Now, mind you, I am apt to make rash decisions... I tend to plan big and invest passionately and to sometimes move from one grand idea to another quickly and with little warning. Yet, this felt very different. This suddenly brought together the seemingly random pursuits of the last 10+ years in a way that made sense and had purpose. I suddenly understood why the various occupations I had considered over the last 5 years (including my current pursuit of a M.S.Ed. in Educational Psychology) did not make sense when taken separately, but - when taken together - created a lovely, intricate, very simple picture of a life that would align my self-concept on both an inner and outer level.

I had been planning to begin this blog before my Sunday epiphany; however, the "ah ha" moment acquired that day led to a clarification and focus for my posts which again brought everything together while moving me forward.

There is a section of the service of the Fellowship during which members are invited to come up and share a joy or sorrow with the rest of the congregation - the idea being that our collective experience of the happiness and sadness in each of our lives is more powerful and more connected to the divine than when taken individually (this is my interpretation at least). It also allows members a chance to pray for or celebrate in the momentous happenings of others... a very essential component to that which is sacred or divine in our spiritual experiences and the potential we are capable of when we choose to focus our collective, creative will together.

So... this blog will explore one sorrow or one joy each day. My task is to identify a joy or sorrow each day - it could be mine, it could be someone else's; it could be local, it could be national. My hope is that, in sharing these stories... these observations, I can provide an opportunity for reflection and connection that will hopefully serve as a positive event in the lives of others.

My first joy to post is personal. I feel so very lucky to have had this revelation... to have been in the right place at the right time... to see with hindsight that all of the chaos and seeming limbotic qualities of my daily life did indeed have purpose and direction. I can see the larger picture now, and I am amazed at its beauty and simplicity.