The Pain Game

I can't remember if I've already written about this, but it keeps coming up lately, so forgive me if I'm being repetitive. One of my favorite instructors, Dr. Asner-Self, said something during our multicultural counseling class last summer that has stuck with me like glue and has provided a resounding echo that seems to follow me around in the many contexts in which I operate: student, mother, friend, colleague, counselor, etc.

Essentially, what she said was there is no point to comparing pain with other people. No point in comparing yours to someone else's - or even in comparing one person's pain to another's (friends, family members, coworkers). There is truly no benefit in engaging in such an activity.

It's important in the context of counseling because if you get caught up comparing your own hurts or tragedies to those of your client (be it openly or internally), you are no longer fully able to remain objectively open to helping that person. You end up putting yourself in a competitive rather than collaborative relationship... and your capacity for empathy and a nonjudgmental attitude is severely diminished.

But in a more general sense, I've begun to realize it is just as harmful in an everyday, regular, fellow-human-being context... because it's all relative - and one person's pain is another person's walk in the park. The important part is to recognize we all hurt... we all grieve... we all struggle... and we are all capable of good days and bad days.

Keeping this in mind has helped me identify ways to practice more compassion on a daily basis. To always remember that when most people share their pain (no matter where I might put it on my own continuum or understanding of sorrow), it is in an effort to connect, to be heard, to feel understood, and to be received with love.

To me, compassion is the process of providing that response - and it is a challenge worth posing to myself on a continual basis.