Inside Out vs. Outside In

I have been thinking a lot lately about authenticity. What does it mean to be one's authentic self? How do we reconcile the many masks we may wear in a day or (from a less cynical perspective) the many ways in which we change shape based on our circumstances and surroundings. We are all mutable - our different roles sometimes require slightly different aspects of our genuine self.

But what separates authentic behavior from inauthentic? Is it inauthentic if the person being disingenuous does not realize he or she is being false? What it falsity vs. ignorance vs. deception?

This has come up lately for me, as I seek to make my way toward decisions that affect my future plans and career pursuits, as well as my educational track in the next year or two. For some reason, this is a muddy area for me... I feel a mix of ego, ambition, confusion, passion, and a plethora of interests that can sometimes pull me in multiple directions. Add to that the pragmatic concerns arising in having a life bound to two other people who are immensely important to me... and all my values, beliefs, and assumptions and you have quite a tangle some moments.

So lately I have been seeking the authentic inner voice that is Genevra. At least Genevra in this moment. Because, I know I will continue to change - we are not, after all, static. This can be a painful and humbling process. Ego, jealousy, competition, a desire to be loved... these are not necessary pretty things.

Of course, there are positive things too... and the truth—the authentic, genuine, real truth (which is perhaps a paradox already)—probably lies somewhere in the middle. It will be interesting to see where I settle when the balancing point is finally reached.

Decoupage and the Modern Family

Andy and I were talking today about our current conundrum about where to live, what to do for work, how to make everything happen smoothly, where to raise Ari and what type of environment would be best for her, etc. We feel awash with possibilities and hard choices, and ultimately we have begun to realize how stuck we are because - ultimately - we do not know what it is we want. We have no clear sense of our priorities.

And... I am beginning to wonder if this essentially means we are unaware of how we believe we make meaning of our lives. Unclear on what gives us purpose and what we wish to create in the long term. Because, if we don't know those things, we have no idea what things to fight for and hold onto, versus what things we can compromise or throw away.

So. Here we are. Blessed in so many ways and lucky because there have been many good things that have happened over the last several years. But also feeling somewhat lost and still trying to determine our next several steps because we are unsure what to emphasize or focus on in our pursuit of both present and future.

I think we both have a belief that other people do no seem to struggle as much with this kind of angst or confusion. We look around and see people who don't vacillate as much; don't change their minds as often; don't seem to be as deeply sad or adrift; don't seem to worry about it or obsess over it as long.

But perhaps that is an illusion. Sometimes it's hard to know how much of your drama you are responsible for... and also whether or not you are writing a narrative for those around you that is simply not true.

I suppose fabrication can be a positive or negative thing. We can fabricate in a way that takes us further from the truth - further from authenticity or real-ness. Or we can fabricate in a way that is creative and productive... where we seem to will opportunities into being and fashion a life out of random events or happy luck.

Right now we're trying to figure out what it is we wish that final picture to look like. You'd think we'd have figured it out by now... but I suppose we are slow bloomers in some ways.