Huh.

I wonder sometimes if most nearly anything we would label as a negative reaction or emotion or response (e.g., anger, violence, depression, fear, withdrawal, etc.) is essentially connected to an unending sense/search for love and acceptance.

Is it possible "ugly" behavior is ultimately rooted in a perceived lack of acceptance? If one were to seek the primary emotion below the secondary reactions rooted in defensiveness or offensiveness (i.e., the feeling one must take the offensive in order to avoid being hurt, damaged, etc.), would it somehow exist as a foundational need that is simultaneously emotional and spiritual... something that transcends physical or intellectual yearnings. Something basic, primal, but ultimately human... a search for connection, for belonging, for meaning.

I believe the struggle to feel valued, above all, may inherently be present for all of us. This may segue into attachment theory and the Adlerian concept of social interest. But I also think there is something deeply embedded within the source of our living - be it a soul, or a spark, or a breath.

For who does not wish to be seen? And upon being seen to be understood... and upon being understood to be welcomed? If we all believed, without question, we held value and worth, as did everyone around us... how might that change our interactions?

Perhaps compassion is the act of embracing such a belief and holding onto it with unshakable faith.

Decoupage and the Modern Family

Andy and I were talking today about our current conundrum about where to live, what to do for work, how to make everything happen smoothly, where to raise Ari and what type of environment would be best for her, etc. We feel awash with possibilities and hard choices, and ultimately we have begun to realize how stuck we are because - ultimately - we do not know what it is we want. We have no clear sense of our priorities.

And... I am beginning to wonder if this essentially means we are unaware of how we believe we make meaning of our lives. Unclear on what gives us purpose and what we wish to create in the long term. Because, if we don't know those things, we have no idea what things to fight for and hold onto, versus what things we can compromise or throw away.

So. Here we are. Blessed in so many ways and lucky because there have been many good things that have happened over the last several years. But also feeling somewhat lost and still trying to determine our next several steps because we are unsure what to emphasize or focus on in our pursuit of both present and future.

I think we both have a belief that other people do no seem to struggle as much with this kind of angst or confusion. We look around and see people who don't vacillate as much; don't change their minds as often; don't seem to be as deeply sad or adrift; don't seem to worry about it or obsess over it as long.

But perhaps that is an illusion. Sometimes it's hard to know how much of your drama you are responsible for... and also whether or not you are writing a narrative for those around you that is simply not true.

I suppose fabrication can be a positive or negative thing. We can fabricate in a way that takes us further from the truth - further from authenticity or real-ness. Or we can fabricate in a way that is creative and productive... where we seem to will opportunities into being and fashion a life out of random events or happy luck.

Right now we're trying to figure out what it is we wish that final picture to look like. You'd think we'd have figured it out by now... but I suppose we are slow bloomers in some ways.

Trust (a note to myself)

Everything happens for a reason. Even if you can't see it yet or are unable to discern the bigger picture at the moment--there is direction in the chaos.

There is purpose. There is meaning. Don't lose faith or get discouraged or allow your heart to be consumed with worry just because you can't figure out where it's all headed. And especially just because your expectations weren't met or your assumptions were proven wrong.

If you believe you are safe, then feel safe. If you believe you are able to succeed and to fail and still be okay... then go ahead and succeed, and fail, and try to enjoy every step of the process.

Don't panic.
Don't worry.
Don't second-guess.
Don't freak out.
Don't feel trapped.
Don't get angry.

You have so many things to feel grateful for, to count as blessings in your life. Why not embrace those things and enter each moment with a smile and an easy heart?