Inside Out vs. Outside In

I have been thinking a lot lately about authenticity. What does it mean to be one's authentic self? How do we reconcile the many masks we may wear in a day or (from a less cynical perspective) the many ways in which we change shape based on our circumstances and surroundings. We are all mutable - our different roles sometimes require slightly different aspects of our genuine self.

But what separates authentic behavior from inauthentic? Is it inauthentic if the person being disingenuous does not realize he or she is being false? What it falsity vs. ignorance vs. deception?

This has come up lately for me, as I seek to make my way toward decisions that affect my future plans and career pursuits, as well as my educational track in the next year or two. For some reason, this is a muddy area for me... I feel a mix of ego, ambition, confusion, passion, and a plethora of interests that can sometimes pull me in multiple directions. Add to that the pragmatic concerns arising in having a life bound to two other people who are immensely important to me... and all my values, beliefs, and assumptions and you have quite a tangle some moments.

So lately I have been seeking the authentic inner voice that is Genevra. At least Genevra in this moment. Because, I know I will continue to change - we are not, after all, static. This can be a painful and humbling process. Ego, jealousy, competition, a desire to be loved... these are not necessary pretty things.

Of course, there are positive things too... and the truth—the authentic, genuine, real truth (which is perhaps a paradox already)—probably lies somewhere in the middle. It will be interesting to see where I settle when the balancing point is finally reached.

Attachment and the Art of Compromise

One of the things I think I struggle with most is the pull I feel between being a mother and having a career. Dedication to family versus dedication to work.

In graduate school, this translates to feeling unsure whether I should take on less, do less, and strive to achieve less because it will ultimately mean getting to spend more time with my family and more time with my daughter, who seems to be having a hard time with my absence from the house lately.

I know it's a normal developmental stage, and I know separation anxiety is expected... but I also know how important attachment is to psychosical development and mental/emotional wellbeing (at least theoretically), and so it's hard to know how much to push toward independence and how much to concede we are still very linked and that she is my daugther who I love more than anything.

Lately, I've been wishing I could spend another semester at my current placement and then do a full second year at a K-8 school. I am enjoying the work, feeling bombarded by ideas and things I'd like to implement because I believe it will make a positive, constructive difference in the lives of my students, and I want to get as much learning in as I can.

But maybe such things are just as easily accomplished outside of school. I don't know. I have lofty goals, and I so rarely reach all of them. Some days that's easier to accept than others. For now, I lean toward making Ari the greater priority... and trusting that my ideas, ambition, ability, and strengths will still be present when we have moved into a phase of our family life wherein I have more freedom to pursue my passions and curiosities.

Walk the Talk the Occ

Some days are harder than others. Some days are easier. In terms of this blog, I suppose the same holds true. Some days the words just pour out, and other days it seems like I sit, staring blankly at the screen for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time.

There were two lovely things today that could be counted as joys.

1. I was researching strategies and interventions for small group counseling focused on raising academic motivation for at-risk students. For whatever reason (probably because of my combo of search terms), I stumbled on several sites for elementary school counselors in various parts of the U.S. Each page I went to described a comprehensive school counseling program and was well though out, thorough, and exciting/inspiring to read. I got excited about school counseling again, which is a big deal because I have been struggling this semester with the larger ramifications of this career choice due to some unfortunate circumstances, and so it was good to remember what makes me excited and hopeful about this profession - and to see there are indeed people out there who are really putting in the effort.

2. The second bit of good news today was passed along by my husband, who saw that one of our favorite people, Dana, has decided to open her own massage studio. So very cool. This is not the biggest surprise, as we were still in Chicago when Dana began her massage therapist training, and there was no doubt it was a purposeful and meaningful path for her. You know how you meet people who are doing what you know they are supposed to be doing? You see them in that job and they are fully in their element. There's something sort of Zen about it. What is even more impressive is that Dana is pursuing this while also raising two twin daughters with her husband. She is a fierce and wonderful woman... and it's always nice to see your friends realize their dreams.

Career Caboom!

My friend Patty recently expressed a sense of confusion over her next steps career-wise, which prompted me to send as many career assessments as I could locate her way and to suggest some good career sights I came across while working at Career Services.

I can very much empathize with where she's at. And I'm not sure the assessments will be of any use... I have taken every single one I can find. And while it has given me a better understanding of the many components that make up (and can be weighed) a career decision... I don't necessarily feel super clear that I have found the absolute right path.

I have begun a placement in a school this week, and it has opened my eyes to a number of aspects of working as a school counselor of which I was previously unaware. Things that may not really fit well with the thing I've determined I want out of a job/career... or that I have decided are priorities right now. (Of course, there are some thing that fit perfectly and are quite exciting and inspirational.)

The bottom line of my career dilemma seems to be: I want more time with my family. I miss my daughter with an ache that is palpable each day. And being away for 7 hours or longer each day simply feels much too long. It's hard on both of us, and we both end up more prone to anger, depression, and a sense of aimlessness.

Maybe that's enmeshment, or maybe it's a very normal place to be within this particular stage of her attachment development and my journey as a mother. I know I have to be doing something... at least some little thing that is mine and is separate. But it doesn't seem to work to have that thing be 40 hours per week... or even 30. Or maybe even 28.

Thus, Andy and I are in a bit of a pickle at present, and I am trying to balance my emotional needs and mental wellbeing with smart decisions and long-range planning to reach something that is ultimately best for all of us.

Some days I am strikingly clear what that is... and others, I feel I flounder horribly and swim through self-doubt, heartache, and discouragement.

My mother suggested I ask my higher self or a higher power for guidance. Similar to praying, I suppose, or meditation, or listening to your inner self... trying to hear that inner voice. I'm not sure that voice or power or whathaveyou is consistent in its messages and decisions. But I will give it a try and aim to find a direction that feels as authentic and positive as possible.

For those of you who may be in a similar state of confusion or vocational implosion... I send out my prayers to you that you are able to find an answer to your own questions and a path that suits you well.

Plan Z

Do you have a dream life you picture? Something different from your chosen course and simultaneously enticing and frightening to you because of its unknown qualities or its connection to insecurities, shadow beliefs, or values passed down through multiple contexts.

Maybe you already are doing what you love--if so, I suspect you are in the minority, simply based upon my own experiences with "adults" and their jobs. Or rather, how they view and experience their jobs.

It is quite a struggle to balance the sensible, responsible, adult path with the internal, id-driven, ideal path. The one you believe in your heart of hearts would make you happy... but that you can't quite believe could be possible. Or sustainable. Or fair to everyone else in your life.

My dream life: writing and crafting for a living. I want to make jewelry, write children's books, and travel and be with my family as much as possible. I also have fantasies of teaching a dance or choreography class to kids. Or running an artists' retreat with my husband. Or opening a theatre with him and a friend of ours. Or creating a community arts facility with studio spaces, classes, workshops, and a performance space.

Instead, I am pursuing a career in school counseling. Maybe it's a good compromise as I seek to find financial stability, health insurance we don't need to panic about every 10 seconds, a schedule that will work well with my daughter's needs, and something that won't make me feel like jabbing pens into my eyes due to overwhelming boredom.

Maybe not. Hard to say, as I've never done the job. (Which is what this coming year is about, I suppose.)

In the meantime, I continue to think longingly of all the books I'd like to write, all the jewelry and crafting ideas I'd like to pursue, and the multitude of projects Andy and I have talked about creating at some distant and undefinable point in the future.

It's difficult to know what is holding me back more. The external or the internal. I suspect the latter. I am hoping this year will bring much more clarity. Sort of a miraculous epiphany and the courage to pursue it despite the misgivings of others.

We shall see.