The Inner Tug-of-War, The Outer Perspective

There is a dichotomy between two phrases ringing in my head as of late:

Everything is finite.

(Which is very similar to another favorite of mine: This too shall pass.)

Live in the now.

(Something I keep hoping to make headway on but continue to struggle to achieve.)

One suggests that anything can be endured in the present because life continues to move and change... and nothing lasts forever. Hope lies in the future and the knowledge that time will pass, the river will flow on, and whatever life's present unhappinesses may be... it will all be different at some point down the road.

The other suggests one eschew the future (and the past) in order to fully appreciate, be awake in, and participate in the present moment. Hope lies in being fully awake through each breath in every second of any given point of time because to be wholly alive is surely better than to be sleepwalking, hiding, running away, or dreaming of the future.

For whatever reason, grad school often seems easier to get through by embracing the former sentiment. Anything can be endured because everything has an endpoint. It will change. Just keep going and trust it will all be okay.

But lately I wonder if the latter would be more appropriate and ultimately more fulfilling. Sucking every bit of marrow out of each circumstance and experience - be it revelatory, boring, frustrating, or educational. Perhaps my wanton application of my future-oriented maxim denies me the full experience of being in this time - with its goods and bads, ups and downs, hard days and wonderful days.

Live in the now.
Live in the now.
Live in the now.

Here, fishy fishy fishy!

We often spend long hours trying to figure out what to do with our weekends since moving out of the Chicago. Not that we really knew what to do with our weekends then, either... but there was a clearer plethora of offerings, and our inability to select something or motivate ourselves out of the house was more clearly our own failing.

Here, we seem to face a similar struggle. Which makes me think the dilemma stems from our own inability to fully seize upon the present and enjoy (and commit to) our surroundings. Thus, we are now locked in a sort of inner whirlwind as to where to head next, what opportunities to grasp, and what wants and needs to prioritize. BUT... the issue that seems to be emerging with increasing clarity is that much of our present unhappiness stems from an inability or unwillingness to commit to the now and live more fully in the present.

However, today we managed to do pretty well at filling our time and having fun. We went to a local fish hatchery and fed the very last of the catfish being raised this year. Three buckets of food, two tanks with approximately 3,000 fish each, and one very happy little 2 year old who took great delight in throwing fish pellets into the water and watching the frenzy that ensued.

It was great fun, totally free, and we even got to pick out some coloring books with local wildlife and state facts. Truly cool. The woman on staff who helped us recommended returning in June to see the eggs and to have the experience of feeding 30,000 fish, which is what they have on hand in the middle of the summer.

I know we will likely not stay in this area for the long haul, but I hope by the time we leave, we have many wonderful memories and lots of things to miss. There truly is so much to enjoy here; I don't want us to miss it while chasing dreams around the corner.

Simple, Silly

Andy and I were able to sit outside today on our front porch while Ari napped. The weather was lovely, and there was a nice midafternoon breeze to accompany the sunshine, blue sky, and clouds. A perfect day to sit at a little bistro table and watch the world around us.

What struck me about it, aside from what at treat it was to experience, was that my husband was having a hard time staying in the present. He was focused on an important call he has tomorrow and on the latest round of life-altering decisions that have come our way and the myriad possibilities accompanying them.

Now... I can't blame him for being preoccupied. We both have difficulty staying in the now, and we both struggle to let go of a very desperate desire to know what the future holds. We are planners... and worriers... and possibly a little bit neurotic. All of which is open to change, but all of which provides challenges for us as we seek to reform and redefine who we are and evolve into a new phase of living.

It's amazing how such a simple thing as being present in the current moment can present such difficulty for so many of us. Truly letting go of the past and all the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual baggage that comes with it sounds great on paper but is sometimes hard to put into practice. Eckhart Tolle calls it the pain body; I've also heard it referred to as demons, trauma, sin, emotional or physical memory, etc... so many names.

Similarly, those of us who like to plan and are prone to fretting can sometimes find it hard to stay present in each moment without carrying forth with expectation and imagining how things will unfold. Conducting elaborate conversations and full-on dramas in our head of what will take place in the minutes, hours, days, or months to come.

I think there is probably a fine line between visualization and an obsession with always living in the moment ahead - but that can be a tricky grey area to traverse. One that leaves us always falling forward... trying to catch up with a body that has not yet arrived in the moment we are determined to inhabit.

Today was a gift, wherein I was able, for a small chunk of time, to settle rather comfortably into the present and fully take in the now. It was quite peaceful (a place I'd like to occupy more often), and when it happened, it was kind of funny to me how simple it was to be there. As if the part of me that was finally in sync was chuckling a bit and thinking silly, silly.

Epiphany for Friday

First off, I have been on a bit of a news blackout while the in-laws are here just due to a shift in our normal routine and the absence of my usual news fix via the radio throughout the day. Thus, most of my recent posts have been very me-centered, which I try not to do for long spates of time... but I am guilty again today. I'll try to still make it good!

So... I had an epiphany today. It connects to a realization I had a couple of days ago about my self-perception with regard to my body and weight.

I have always felt fat and battled with a negative self-image and internal self-talk aimed at convincing me I am ugly, unattractive, and unnoticeable. And I have noticed that when I look back on old photos of myself (say from high school or college or even in Chicago), I look at the picture and think, "Wow... I was really pretty here. What in the world was I feeling so ugly for?"

Here is an example of a photo from the past: a cast photo with The Neo-Futurists, circa 2003 or so. (I am in front, in the grey sweater.)

But then I move right back into thinking, "Yeah... that was then and this is now. Too bad I didn't enjoy myself more back then, because now I'm really ugly."

Which, I have come to see as a pretty silly pattern to engage in. One which is built on fallacy and emphasizes things that ultimately are just not very important.

Jump cut to today. Andy and I are in Hobby Lobby looking for a picture frame for a piece of couch fabric he saved (it was the couch he proposed to me on). We see a lovely painted glass dish with a rooster on it and the words "Gallo Italiano" - which we both think is totally great. It reminds us both of Italy and our honeymoon.

And I am able to connect the fact that, looking back on our honeymoon (which included Rome, Florence, the Amalfi coast, and Tuscany)... it was phenomenal and an incredible trip. One we were so lucky to take; one of those rare gifts in life that should be savored fully.

This is one of my favorite photos from our trip... taken near our hotel in Praiano (on the Amalfi Coast).

The thing is... I spent a lot of that trip feeling far away and disappointed and sad. Which was such a waste of time. Or rather, such a silly way to spend my time and energy, rather than being truly joyous and alive during our adventure.

I think I spend a lot of my time this way. Feeling adrift and disconnected in any given moment of the now, only to look back on it later and realize I had been given or had managed to create an incredible opportunity filled with blessings and challenges. Something truly wonderful and worth reveling in.

So, today I made a commitment to be more mindful of those times when I am being negative or pulling away instead of truly embracing my experience in the now. I intend to use that mindfulness to change my perspective and behavior over time and increase my ability to feel gratitude and joy.

Perhaps in a year's time (or less), I will be able to look back on this moment and celebrate how far I have come.