Off the wagon and halfway down the hill...

For whatever, misguided, silly, spur-of-the-moment, grief-induced reason... I initiated a course of action whereby we ate Long John Silver's today. Mind you... we'd been somewhat naughty about our eating during our visit with Num-Num and Papa Roman. But we'd still managed to eschew any hint of fast-foodery... working like mad to keep our weight at least steady during their visit (and succeeding).

However in the last two days since they've left, Andy and I have both gained weight... and today, I kind of clinched our Faustian downfall by driving us through the land of slick and salty chicken 'n' fish to come home and eat our food. After which, all three of us got sick.

I only felt mildly greasy and bloated... but Andy had more severe trouble of the bathroom variety and Ari actually threw up tonight while I was at class. A mixture of undigested LJS chicken and lots of milk from her afternoon nap that went awry - probably because she felt so sick she couldn't find a comfortable sleeping position.

So... what did I learn from this? Let see..

• Don't eat fast food. Ever. Again. (Even on road trips!)
• Cheating with food never feels as good as I think it's going to. Especially in the 20-minute aftermath of my stellarly naughty and unhealthy meal.
• There is good cheating and bad cheating. Bad cheating feels like that second cigarette I used to have when I'd already decided to quit and starting having this sneaking suspicion that, hey - maybe this smoking thing is not all it's cracked up to be because I always feel worse after I smoke than I did before lighting that cancer stick.
• Five pounds up the scale feels much more noticeable than five pounds down. This does not help with motivation... but it's worth remembering when that fried food starts calling my name.
• I don't want to feel the way I am feeling as I type this post ever, ever again. And good lord, that should be an easy thing to accomplish because it's just FOOD after all. (Of course, those of us with eating and body issues may have more complicated issues with food than others... but the smoking analogy still works here. If it doesn't feel good, why do it?)

So... we'll see how it goes and how well I stick to it. Right now, I'm just praying my body will detox quickly and I can get back on my downward trend where the scale is concerned. More importantly, I just don't want to feel clogged anymore. I can actually feel it in the arteries in my neck. Seriously.

Ugh.

Balancing Act for the Physical Realm

Today I put on a pair of pants I had purchased for work at the beginning of the summer... and they were laughably large on me. They looked downright silly, but I wore them anyway because I don't have that many options (and I felt too lazy to change).

It made me quite happy, though, to have such tangible evidence that I have indeed been losing weight. And this is where my inner dilemma begins, because - after all - shouldn't I be able to be happy with whatever body I might have?

It's quite a dichotomy we face, particularly in Western society. We are told to love ourselves and embrace our bodies, but we are also shown images nonstop of sometimes frighteningly thin people with shiny, thick heads of hair and hairless bodies (male and female), with this airbrushed, body-as-career kind of "ideal" that is not at all realistic for the average, everyday man or woman.

Simultaneously, we're also bombarded lately with health information and doctors' admonishments to lose weight, eat healthy, and exercise. Mind you, this is a much more positive and constructive message... but it can sometimes conflict with the embrace thyself mantra one supposedly must be chanting in order to fully accomplish self-love and establish self-esteem.

So... where is the middle way, as the Buddhists might say? Perhaps a healthy blend of self-acceptance mixed with a happy and conscious decision to make changes based not upon others' expectations or ideals, but upon our own concept of who we are - or wish to be.

The idea of change, growth, evolution, or enlightenment exists in nearly every religion or spiritual practice out there. Although it is often applied within a spiritual context, why not also consider the ramifications for a similar journey via mental, emotional, or even physical aspects of self?

If such a thing is possible, and the notion of reaching toward a divine realization of self has a ring of truth to it... then perhaps what I am striving toward is a balance between the body that is mine in its truest form, and my ability to love and accept myself at each point along my path toward physical equilibrium.

Such a process could allow each step to be one of increasing joy, and might enable me to see the journey as something positive and beneficial, rather than a fight or struggle through which I become battered, discouraged, or frustrated.

It is easy to think of such things on a successful day - when the scale has gone down, the pants are loose, and the engagement ring long packed away is extremely close to fitting again. The challenge will be responding with the same sort of acceptance and enjoyment on days where the results differ from my expected and dearly wanted outcomes.

Epiphany for Friday

First off, I have been on a bit of a news blackout while the in-laws are here just due to a shift in our normal routine and the absence of my usual news fix via the radio throughout the day. Thus, most of my recent posts have been very me-centered, which I try not to do for long spates of time... but I am guilty again today. I'll try to still make it good!

So... I had an epiphany today. It connects to a realization I had a couple of days ago about my self-perception with regard to my body and weight.

I have always felt fat and battled with a negative self-image and internal self-talk aimed at convincing me I am ugly, unattractive, and unnoticeable. And I have noticed that when I look back on old photos of myself (say from high school or college or even in Chicago), I look at the picture and think, "Wow... I was really pretty here. What in the world was I feeling so ugly for?"

Here is an example of a photo from the past: a cast photo with The Neo-Futurists, circa 2003 or so. (I am in front, in the grey sweater.)

But then I move right back into thinking, "Yeah... that was then and this is now. Too bad I didn't enjoy myself more back then, because now I'm really ugly."

Which, I have come to see as a pretty silly pattern to engage in. One which is built on fallacy and emphasizes things that ultimately are just not very important.

Jump cut to today. Andy and I are in Hobby Lobby looking for a picture frame for a piece of couch fabric he saved (it was the couch he proposed to me on). We see a lovely painted glass dish with a rooster on it and the words "Gallo Italiano" - which we both think is totally great. It reminds us both of Italy and our honeymoon.

And I am able to connect the fact that, looking back on our honeymoon (which included Rome, Florence, the Amalfi coast, and Tuscany)... it was phenomenal and an incredible trip. One we were so lucky to take; one of those rare gifts in life that should be savored fully.

This is one of my favorite photos from our trip... taken near our hotel in Praiano (on the Amalfi Coast).

The thing is... I spent a lot of that trip feeling far away and disappointed and sad. Which was such a waste of time. Or rather, such a silly way to spend my time and energy, rather than being truly joyous and alive during our adventure.

I think I spend a lot of my time this way. Feeling adrift and disconnected in any given moment of the now, only to look back on it later and realize I had been given or had managed to create an incredible opportunity filled with blessings and challenges. Something truly wonderful and worth reveling in.

So, today I made a commitment to be more mindful of those times when I am being negative or pulling away instead of truly embracing my experience in the now. I intend to use that mindfulness to change my perspective and behavior over time and increase my ability to feel gratitude and joy.

Perhaps in a year's time (or less), I will be able to look back on this moment and celebrate how far I have come.

A Bit of Success!

I think I mentioned it before, but my office is doing a sort of "Biggest Loser" thing here at work that sort of follows the format of the hit TV show (which I have yet to see).

We've been doing it for several weeks now, and today we did our weekly weigh-in and I was the big loser!! Total surprise as I had kind of eaten way too much twice this week (Don Taco does me in every time - I just need to start ordering something different because I have no - and I mean NO - willpower). I looked at the scale over the weekend and felt really sad because I had gained weight... felt all those old feelings and self-defeating inner thoughts swell back up... and tried very hard to replace it all with positive self-talk, an attitude of acceptance and patience, and some self-love.

(I'm not sure how your attempts at self-love work out, but mine are not always immediately, smoothly successful. Doesn't mean I stop trying... just means it doesn't always take right away. Incidently, this is something I've been thinking about quite a lot lately: resilience, self-esteem, self-efficacy, emotional stability - but that's a topic for another blog.)

So - back to my story - imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale today (Jaime keeps a digital one in her office) and found I had lost 2.8 pounds! Mind you, our process is not entirely scientific and there is certainly room for error... but it was still a very happy thing to see.