Epiphany for Friday

First off, I have been on a bit of a news blackout while the in-laws are here just due to a shift in our normal routine and the absence of my usual news fix via the radio throughout the day. Thus, most of my recent posts have been very me-centered, which I try not to do for long spates of time... but I am guilty again today. I'll try to still make it good!

So... I had an epiphany today. It connects to a realization I had a couple of days ago about my self-perception with regard to my body and weight.

I have always felt fat and battled with a negative self-image and internal self-talk aimed at convincing me I am ugly, unattractive, and unnoticeable. And I have noticed that when I look back on old photos of myself (say from high school or college or even in Chicago), I look at the picture and think, "Wow... I was really pretty here. What in the world was I feeling so ugly for?"

Here is an example of a photo from the past: a cast photo with The Neo-Futurists, circa 2003 or so. (I am in front, in the grey sweater.)

But then I move right back into thinking, "Yeah... that was then and this is now. Too bad I didn't enjoy myself more back then, because now I'm really ugly."

Which, I have come to see as a pretty silly pattern to engage in. One which is built on fallacy and emphasizes things that ultimately are just not very important.

Jump cut to today. Andy and I are in Hobby Lobby looking for a picture frame for a piece of couch fabric he saved (it was the couch he proposed to me on). We see a lovely painted glass dish with a rooster on it and the words "Gallo Italiano" - which we both think is totally great. It reminds us both of Italy and our honeymoon.

And I am able to connect the fact that, looking back on our honeymoon (which included Rome, Florence, the Amalfi coast, and Tuscany)... it was phenomenal and an incredible trip. One we were so lucky to take; one of those rare gifts in life that should be savored fully.

This is one of my favorite photos from our trip... taken near our hotel in Praiano (on the Amalfi Coast).

The thing is... I spent a lot of that trip feeling far away and disappointed and sad. Which was such a waste of time. Or rather, such a silly way to spend my time and energy, rather than being truly joyous and alive during our adventure.

I think I spend a lot of my time this way. Feeling adrift and disconnected in any given moment of the now, only to look back on it later and realize I had been given or had managed to create an incredible opportunity filled with blessings and challenges. Something truly wonderful and worth reveling in.

So, today I made a commitment to be more mindful of those times when I am being negative or pulling away instead of truly embracing my experience in the now. I intend to use that mindfulness to change my perspective and behavior over time and increase my ability to feel gratitude and joy.

Perhaps in a year's time (or less), I will be able to look back on this moment and celebrate how far I have come.