Fin

Yesterday was technically my last post, but I felt something more final and lengthy was in order... so here is an extra for those of you who actually follow this regularly. ;)

This has been an incredibly strange and wonderful project for me. It began as a way to be involved and stay connected to UU life as I made my way toward divinity school with tiny, tiny little steps. Yet, oddly enough, part of the realization encompassed in my journey has been that now is not the time to pursue such a course—nor am I entirely sure that's the correct destination.

The intent of this blog always had a spiritual component; what I did not expect was how introspective and reflective that process would become, nor what changes it would bring about in me and the way in which I actively make meaning in my life on a continuing basis.

I have found, in seeking to better understand and articulate my joys and sorrows, I have become more attuned to the experiences of others, as well as more cognizant of the ways in which we are all linked together and interdependently connected along multiple levels within our day-to-day existence.

And now is, perhaps, a time to remember that connection. Layoffs continue to escalate, violence threatens the safety and welfare of millions across the globe, natural resources are beginning to look much less attractive as our sole means of energy subsistence, and the values upon which many societies across the world base their belief systems and actions are—one might say—increasingly flawed or at least questionable because they fail to recognize the inherent value and worth of the other (whoever that other may be).

So maybe it's a good idea to reach out and simultaneously self-reflect and get our sense of scope and definition of purpose in order so that we may assist those around us more effectively and provide a source of renewal and hope to those who touch our lives.

Maybe you do that through blogging, or music, or theatre, or teaching, or writing, or your weekend hobby, or your projects in church, or any number of places. Maybe you're not doing it yet, but you've been thinking about it and just need a tiny little nudge to jump off the precipice named "unknown" and throw yourself out into the world in a more public and vulnerable way. Maybe you only have the time and space to focus on yourself right now and to get to a place of greater balance, peace, and health.

Whatever you may be doing, I wish you much joy, learning, and even the ocassional sorrow because it all has purpose in the end.

In the meantime, I will continue to ponder the question that seems incredibly interwoven in my meaning-making:

Is it the path that defines you, or you who define the path?

Thank you for being with me on this journey. Perhaps I will have more to add one day in the future. Until then, be well and always remember you are loved.

Shower Epiphany

Our past informs us; it does not define us.

February

A respite in mid-February...
a month notorious for
depression, inertia, and
inescapable blah-ness.

Today's weather is warm
but windy... blowing sweet
smells of spring to come
through ice-laden forest paths.

Lunch and ice cream later,
my husband mentions our
escalating national credit and
we two neurotics begin to worry.

I think back to the interview this morning
between Americans and Iranians on NPR
and cannot help but wonder
where the next 4 years will leave us?

Safer? Stronger? More self-sufficient?
So many possibilities and so much hope
hung upon the metaphorical shoulders
of one man with the potential of a king.

(Poor guy. Carrying an albatross
and anchor all rolled into one.)
Meanwhile, we fret over housing prices
and steps to be taken in too few months.

And I strive to relish the
gift of unexpected warmth
and the easy joy of unstructured time
as winter drags its heavy feet forward.

Just be there.

For the banged chin
the cupcake fit
the nonsense song
the flitting dance
the elated, quick kiss
the 100th "why"
the astute observation
the fart joke
the flight of fancy
the spill and crash
the meltdown
the big-eyed grin
the good-food wiggle dance
the new word
the overtired spazzing
the good smell
the bad smell
the indecision
the begging
the counting
the timeout
the please
the thank-you
the sharing
the questions
the outgrown clothes
the mud on shoe
the pride and love
the constancy of worry
the presence of regret
the requirement to change
the evening lullaby
the heaviness of sleep

Interconnection

I think one of the greatest gifts of doing this blog has been the sense of connection is had provided. And, as may have happened with others who blog too, I don't think I realized how isolated I was feeling or what an impact that connection would have on me until it was there.

Social interest and social connection are a big thing with Adler, who is one of my favorite theorists. It goes along with the ideas espoused by Bronfenbrenner, Buddhism, the Unitarian Universalists, and other systems/social thinkers or movements... the idea being: connection to, interaction with, and mindfulness of others in our various contexts provides a sense of meaning, purpose, and joy.

Sometimes I think a lot of what ails us individually and as a society/culture/world population is too strong a sense of social isolation and assumed necessity for independence (rathern than interdependence). Mind you, more collectivistic cultures may not struggle with this internally - but often there is still an interior focus that prevents or shies away from embracing a sense of responsibility to, similarity with, or appreciation for other cultures.

So... as I again remind myself of what has been a lifelong lesson to reach out more and find ways to authentically bond with the people around me, I offer the same invitation to you. It's so hard sometimes to let other people in, particularly strangers or those who feel foreign or different or other from us. But the more we strive to incorporate the experience and worldviews of everyone around us into our lives, the greater our capacity for compassion, growth, peace, and joyfulness.

Because I am too tired to write tonight...

I will share with you one of my most favorite poems ever by one of my most favorite poets ever. It reminds me to practice gratitude and to never stop noticing the beauty all around.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any—lifted from the no
of all nothing—human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e. e. cummings

It

One of my classes this semester has me placed with a cooperating teacher so that I may observe his work and teach at least two lessons in the classroom on my own. It's one of the core classes school counseling graduate students must take if they are pursuing certification in IL without already holding a teaching certificate.

Although I have done a lot of teaching, it has never been in a traditional classroom setting for a full year, etc. I find the work incredibly daunting and those who do it well terribly admirable.

In a twist of lucky fate (a blessing, really), I have been placed with an amazing teacher. Sometimes you can watch someone do something and think, "Wow. This person is doing just what he/she was meant to do." They've found their it—whatever that may be.

I felt that way when I saw Ani DiFranco perform live. I felt that way when I saw Dr. Harrawood, one of my profs, share some of her counseling skills in class (she has since moved on to Idaho State... great for them, but very sad for us). I feel that way every time I have a class with Dr. Asner-Self (another prof who is still, thankfully, at SIUC). Or when I read the writings of my fellow Neo-Futurists, or hear my brother playing percussion, or watch my husband working on a play at any stage of the process.

My cooperating teacher displays a similar sort of passion, expertise, and inspired ability in the classroom. And so it's rather wonderful to read about all the things that make a teacher effective—and then see it right there in front of me in action (with middle school students, who can be quite a challenge to reach sometimes). What a gift!

What teachers do is incredibly difficult. And those who are truly excellent at their jobs are one of the greatest assets we have. We entrust quite a bit to them when we send our youth into their care for instruction and molding. Those who honor that trust and give their fullest effort in the hopes of making a positive difference in the lives of their students deserve the very deepest of respect.

If you know what your it is, I salute you. (I envy you.) And I hope it brings you immense joy and fulfillment for a long, long time.

When will the shoe drop?

After the next ice storm?
In the coming six months?
Upon moving to Chicago?
When the next tooth cracks?
At the follow-up eye appointment?
As we put the house up for sale?
During my two exams, three papers, four classes, and multiple assignments?
Once they've tallied unemployment for next month?
While we watch Ari's college fund stocks drop even further?
After I've tried some more to find a job?
When the next person is lost too young?

Near the End

Today is Feb. 1, which means I am 7 days away from my last post... having reached a full year of blogging daily per the task I set for myself.

I think it is timely for a number of reasons, one being my propensity of late to blog about myself. How boring.

This all began in conjunction with a feeling of being called to pursue the UU ministry. A strange and unexpected experience that ultimately resulted in my deciding to put such pursuits on hold for the time being. And, although Andy and I became official members of our local Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, we have not attended services for several months now. I'm not sure why. Again, probably for a number of reasons.

Do I still think I am meant to be a UU minister? I have no idea. I feel so lost some days it's somewhat disheartening. I do believe I am meant to pursue and find a more spiritual path to my life... but whether that is something that becomes a public and/or shared journey is yet to be seen.

In the meantime, I continue to listen each day to the thousands of stories around me and to pray for others in more difficult circumstances than I. What is startling is how many of those stories you will hear when you really start listening for them. When your ears open up to the suffering around you, so does your heart. And for many, action follows short behind.

I am extremely grateful to all those who have made this trek with me and especially for those who have shared their comments, feedback, advice, love, etc. My spiritual awakening was made richer by your participation... and for that, I deeply thank you.

We are all so interconnected. Truly. Sometimes that is an essential thing to remember.