Plan Z

Do you have a dream life you picture? Something different from your chosen course and simultaneously enticing and frightening to you because of its unknown qualities or its connection to insecurities, shadow beliefs, or values passed down through multiple contexts.

Maybe you already are doing what you love--if so, I suspect you are in the minority, simply based upon my own experiences with "adults" and their jobs. Or rather, how they view and experience their jobs.

It is quite a struggle to balance the sensible, responsible, adult path with the internal, id-driven, ideal path. The one you believe in your heart of hearts would make you happy... but that you can't quite believe could be possible. Or sustainable. Or fair to everyone else in your life.

My dream life: writing and crafting for a living. I want to make jewelry, write children's books, and travel and be with my family as much as possible. I also have fantasies of teaching a dance or choreography class to kids. Or running an artists' retreat with my husband. Or opening a theatre with him and a friend of ours. Or creating a community arts facility with studio spaces, classes, workshops, and a performance space.

Instead, I am pursuing a career in school counseling. Maybe it's a good compromise as I seek to find financial stability, health insurance we don't need to panic about every 10 seconds, a schedule that will work well with my daughter's needs, and something that won't make me feel like jabbing pens into my eyes due to overwhelming boredom.

Maybe not. Hard to say, as I've never done the job. (Which is what this coming year is about, I suppose.)

In the meantime, I continue to think longingly of all the books I'd like to write, all the jewelry and crafting ideas I'd like to pursue, and the multitude of projects Andy and I have talked about creating at some distant and undefinable point in the future.

It's difficult to know what is holding me back more. The external or the internal. I suspect the latter. I am hoping this year will bring much more clarity. Sort of a miraculous epiphany and the courage to pursue it despite the misgivings of others.

We shall see.