On my walk to class today, I was listening to music on my iPod, and "Dead" by They Might Be Giants came on. I suppose it's maybe an odd song to be made happy by, but it reminded me of high school and all my friends during that time.
We've all since moved to different places, and I am not as close to all of them as I had been then. But recalling how it felt to finally feel like I had found my tribe... to feel accepted and loved and connected to a group of people who seemed similar in important ways - and different in ways that simply made them more interesting - was truly wonderful. I found my niche, I began to like myself, I was able to trust them and be vulnerable. It was the first time I felt I really had friends... the kind of friends you read about or see in movies.
I often think back on that time and miss the simplicity of those years. Although they were much more filled with drama and confusion - with heightened emotion and events that felt like all or nothing - there was something much less complex about being a teenager surrounded by a group of people I believed I would always be close to than to be a mother and adult who is so much more aware of how confused she really is, and how difficult that type of intimacy is to maintain in later stages of life.
I still have best friends, but they are different now. And our friendship is defined in different ways. We are close in other ways and stay connected through phone calls and emails - never being able to see one another each day or even talk to each other each day. And I miss them terribly.
I guess, in writing about it, I feel a bit sad to be in such a different place in my life now. Some days I think I tire of being an adult. Perhaps you feel that some days too. And now, my "bestest" best friend is my husband - which is lucky and wonderful - but I know we both feel disconnected at times from the people who helped to shape us into who we are now... those instrumental, life-changing friendships that are indelibly etched upon our bodies, minds, and spirits.
And so, today, as I heard Flood start up, I was transported to golf courses at night, evenings spent on car hoods watching shooting stars, lunchtimes spent along a brick wall in sunshine, weekends of music and long hours of talking, dances and shows and trips on buses and airplanes... and the happy thoughts of my friends made me smile, hugely.
1 comment:
Thanks for writing this! :) We were lucky to have had the high school friends we did, to have had each other. Most people I talk with remember high school as much lonelier or more alienated than what I remember. In some ways high school for me was more like what people experienced in college: being with creative, fun people I could really talk to and count on.
love.
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