Cyclical Survival

I've been thinking about relational aggression lately. Some of my cohorts in the Ed Psych program are really interested in this area for potential research/theses/papers... and I also find it incredibly interesting and important, though my research interests still lie in more creative/expressive arts directions.

BUT... I was reading a link today in trying to track down more info on the phenomenon and came across something that was discussing the many roles that typically exist within groups/cliques of girls. I was trying to figure out which role(s) I held... and realized it definitely changed over time.

Elementary, middle school, and high school were all very different. Elementary school was the time I occupied the role of the "Target." I was the one being bullied.

Until Shannon showed up. She was a new student who arrived in 5th grade and provided an escape for what had become a daily hell for me. She became the new target; and I, relieved to finally have the focus off me, jumped on the teasing/bullying bandwagon and was just as mean to her in school as everyone else.

It's something I still grapple with, in terms of my self-identity and reconciling my actions across my lifetime. From a rational standpoint (and having a lot more theory and background in psychosocial development under my belt now too), I can understand why I behaved the way I did. It could be considered a normal and understandable reaction based on defense mechanisms and survival instincts and whatever beliefs I held about myself and my ability to attain safety at that point in time.

Yet it's still something I have trouble fully accepting emotionally. I feel guilty that I behaved one way with Shannon outside of school and another way inside of school - following the script and pattern I had undergone as the target for several years... but now on the side of the aggressor, acting as a sidekick and following the leaders of the crowd.

If I were to look for a silver lining, I would say it taught me a very good lesson in cruelty... about my capacity to be cruel and the danger of being too afraid to stand up to those who are hurting me to do what I know is right.

And now, approximately 25 years later, I intend to dedicate myself to helping create school environments wherein all students feel safe, respected, and accepted. To put into place preventative programming emphasizing tolerance and respectful communication in the hopes we can make children more aware of those patterns and the power they have.

Perhaps then more students who feel stuck to the point of desperation will instead be able to write a new story with a much happier ending... for everyone.