invisible

I have been struggling with something this week which easily connects to several religious concepts: feeling invisible and unnoticed.

Now... some might say this has to do with pride, some might say with attachment and expectation... still others might suggest it has to do with my higher self or higher purpose or level of dis-ease and disconnect with my authentic self. (And if you went into counseling theory and took a look from different frameworks, you'd get even more variations).

Whatever the source or the meaning... here is what I know: I feel invisible lately which leaves me feeling empty and depressed. My guess is, it has to do with my own lack of internal validation or strong sense of self-worth, and so I've created this conundrum wherein I seek recognition and approval from those around me in order to feel full, worthwhile, talented, intelligent, etc. (ad naseum).

So, what to do? Andy is a big fan of Zen meditation. I lean toward counseling but seriously do not have the time for it right now given how hectic being a parent, a wife, a grad student, and a part-time worker on campus becomes.

I seek to let go of the expectation that others will notice me. That someone will say "good job" or "thank you." I also seek to not be a bottomless pit and to really take in positive feedback when it comes my way.

[As a sidenote with a purpose: We had a dog when I was a kid, Bandit, who could never get enough love. No matter how much attention you gave him... he acted like he had been abandoned for days and desperately needed some lovin' before he exploded with loneliness and doggy frustration.

I don't want to be like that.]

I shouldn't have to seek praise constantly, and I do think that sometimes I make less of the good and more of the bad. Something to be mindful of, certainly.

I hate feeling envious of others. I hate feeling hurt when something I've done has gone unnoticed. And I don't like feeilng angry when something I've done gets attributed to someone else and they get all the affection/accolades/LOVIN' (it's all about lovin' isn't it? At it's core?). But it happens all the time. As much as I might want to be above and beyond it.

Granted, I appreciate and accept human frailty and can even find beauty in it at times (another religiously-affiliated concept), but I also seek and strive to continually evolve and become a more enlightened person... someone who lives with, through, and for compassion, empathy, integrity, and authenticity.

Today I am left allegorically scratching my head though. Unable to see how to get from one spot to the next, though I have such a strong sense of the destination I seek. I think the starting point is feeling more love and acceptance for (and confidence in) myself.

Anybody know how to do that?