I have been thinking a lot in the last few days about the situation that led me to start this blog in the first place: feeling called to pursue the ministry - specifically, as a Unitarian Universalist minister.
How do you know if you've been called? What does it feel like? What happens if you ignore it? Or think you were called but you weren't? Or were but just felt like it was really bad timing?
Another woman at my church, when I told her I had felt called one day during services at the Fellowship, said, "What did it feel like?" She said she asked because she had also felt called and yet wasn't sure she had interpreted it correctly. So she wanted to sort of compare experiences or hear what mine had been in order to contextualize her own.
My guess is, everyone has a different story. While they may have similarities (like so many religions), every person's experience will be affected by his or her filters, perceptions, beliefs, expectations, and interpretations... leading to a myriad of strikingly different but no less valid events leading to a shared conclusion.
And then there are people like me, who know they felt something (maybe even felt it was undeniable), and then rationally look at the prospect of following such a path and find it riddled with complexities and challenges. Not a bad thing, but definitely a harder thing.
My friend who is a pastor described her experience as hearing God directly communicating to her and telling her to go into the ministry. I would have to say, my experience contained no direct talking, no clear detailed instructions, and no sense that any one entity was singling me out and pointing with a divine finger toward a new and spiritually-laden horizon.
Instead, it felt more like an epiphany... an ah ha moment wherein so many heretofore disconnected and seemingly disjointed pieces of my life suddenly settled into a clear and beautiful picture wherein I could see myself... see myself... true and clear and defined and being.
Then my minister recommended I pursue anything else that might make me happy, my husband and I really sat down and looked at the numbers, and my daughter got to an age I knew I would painfully regret missing if I were engaged in pursuits that took me away from her for several more years of schooling.
Add in the fact that we do not attend church every week, I don't read every Unitarian Universalist piece of literature I can get my hands on, I score highest on Lifestyle when taking any kind of values inventory, and I left theatre because I was sick of working nights and weekends... and I'm left wondering if it's okay to pick up the phone, have a short conversation, and then pretend like you aren't home.
3 comments:
Common wisdom is that such calling doesn't just knock, not get an answer.. and walk away.
You're right though; every story's different.
I didn't hear God--I heard myself (utterly and totally unexpectedly and by surprise...)--suggesting that I go to the GA session "So You're Thinking Of Becoming a UU Minister...".
What?!
No. Not, and didn't ever. Knew better.
But having heard that voice very clearly... the serendipity and synchronicity became bizarre, frequent and annoying. Plus I couldn't stop thinking about it.
So I decided to capitulate before it got "worse."
I spent about a year (before and after capitulating) looking for my "brass ring" to get out of this. I've stopped.
So, yeah, if you can do other things and be joyful and fulfilled, go for it. But if the knock, knock, knocking continues, don't imagine that it'll go away. That's also the common wisdom.
I can totally identify with both of you. That a-ha moment. That epiphany. And like ogre, I cannot turn that voice away, despite the ages of my children. It is transformative in a way that touches everyone in my family and in my circle. It has changed the way I look at the world, and the way that I approach every relationship.
My minister, when I talked to her about my desire to say, "wrong number" reminded me that the prophets also said, "No way! I don't want this job! Go away!"
After 2 years, I finally had to stop telling that voice to go away, because it was only growing stronger. I feel so much peace and joy now that I have capitulated to it all. You will know when or if you reach that point.
Thank you both for sharing your experiences with me (and all other readers). It's great to hear first-hand accounts, and it's wonderful to be simultaneously encouraged and understood within the muddle of my confusion. I appreciate it so very much!
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