Gift

We celebrated Christmas again today in order to open our presents to one another and the gifts sent by Andy's family. As is often the case, my husband created an amazingly original, thoughtful, and creative gift for me that was just stunning in its concept and execution.

It really blew me away, and I think it's the most incredible thing he's ever done for me - which is saying quite a lot because this guy has really put together some insanely extraordinary presents over the years. I mean, really.

He took all of my poems from this blog, along with a few key posts, and created a book on CafePress, complete with cover art, chapter headings, and a foreword written by him that is sweet, inspirational, and loving.

It's really stunning, and actually a very cool little book. I may add more poems once I've reached my 1-year mark for this blog (at which time I may retire it and move on to something else), or perhaps it will remain a gift only I see... something to provide encouragement, appreciation, and hope.

Return

We made it home safe and sound, for which I am incredibly grateful. I am sick to the point of losing my voice now, but overall it was a very successful travel day. Ari was amazing on both airplane rides, and the house was exactly as we had left it - more or less. (We lost power one day while we were away, so that changed things a bit!)

Simon was excited and gleeful to see us, and Andy and I are just going to try and relax and veg out on the couch tonight as we attempt to kick these nasty colds and get back into the groove of our daily grinds.

We were all sad to leave NC; but I am very happy to be home as well.

Departure Haiku (because I am still sick as a dog... or at least an ill-tempered cat)

Eight days in NC
(wonderful Christmas visit);
leaving is so sad.

Uuuuuunnnnnnnnggggggghhhhhh.

The Zen temple my husband used to attend emphasizes the importance, during their retreats and training, of eating only until one is full. It's amazing how little food the body actually needs in order to accomplish this, and it is something I struggle with all the time. Which seems equally silly and sad in this moment.

So here I sit, belly over-full, feeling yucky and worrying about what caloric impact it will have upon my mid-section... and what is oh-so-frustrating is that even if I missed the initial "you're full now" signpost, I definitely got the next few hints—and I ignored them.

This is something I want to work on and get better about; a mindfulness exercise that can coincide with resolutions and new starts and whatnot.

It's the first two nuggets of wisdom from Michael Pollan's latest book:

Eat food.
Not too much.

That should not be too hard, right?

Obscure Beauty

I heard on the radio yesterday Eartha Kitt had died. As is so often the case with celebrities, there were lots of stories, commentaries, editorial notes, etc. about her life and the many things that made her unique... one might even say great.

It made me think about this love affair we seem to have with the famous in American culture. We adore, pedestal-ize, twitter over, and eventually eulogize those who have reached stardom with a sort of myopic, laserbeam focus - forgetting or often not even noticing the many acts of courage, kindess, and generosity going on around us all the time.

It was one of the reasons I loved the CNN Heroes concept so much... except that, ironically, the very act of recognizing those heroes on such a grand and public scope - even ending with an awards ceremony and the "top hero" of the bunch (who very humbly suggested those in the audience raise/donate the same amount of her award for every other person nominated).

Maybe there is no middle ground between obscurity and celebrity. Although - I have seen it from time to time... the celebration and mourning of an ordinary life that managed to touch thousands of people without every garnering what any of us would consider extraordinary praise or public notice.

I've been thinking about it a lot not only because of my own internal struggle with recognition and obsurity, but also from the standpoint of school counseling and character education or classroom guidance. How do we teach good character to our youth? How do we model it? How do we encourage it?

I tend to think it aligns with both the Unitarian Universalist and Buddhist approaches, which differ slightly but have, fundamentally, the same end. You do what is right because it is right. UUs support action tied to a fundamental creed - a personal and collective promise - based upon the concepts of social connection, interpersonal equilibrium, and humanitarian responsibility. Similarly, the Buddhist approach also seems to be one of action, but perhaps one that is also tied into spiritual harmony and personal enlightenment (which in turn leads to greater compassion and ability to help others).

In either case, the idea is not to seek accolades, recognition, or praise for one's work. To commit random acts of kindness that are unsung expressions of love.

I like what Abraham Lincoln said on the subject (which sounds a bit like a Zen koan):

"Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow.

The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing."

So how do we celebrate our ordinary heroes without making right action heroic? How do we encourage responsibility and compassion while underscoring such things should be the norm, rather than the exception?

Perhaps the first step is simply opening our experience to include the acts of generosity, compassion, and bravery taking place in our own lives. To notice our local and personal heroes and to see if we might be able to do the same for someone else - even if, and perhaps especially if, no one will ever know.

We were born to unite with our fellow men, and to join in community with the human race. (Cicero)

Andy and I checked out a neighborhood today that, I think, has completely changed our conceptualization of how we wish to live. Rather, it was sort of like we had this vague idea of what we wanted and happened upon an area today that felt like an epiphanic ah ha moment, complete with big smiles and a happy sigh.

Arcadia is a co-housing community not too far from where my parents live. It's been around for a while and has this amazing, settled, lived-in feel you don't often find in this area. It is quirky and artistic and beautiful and so beautifully planned and well laid out.

Sort of like this lovely combination of a European-style village coupled with a very traditional sense of community living, with a little bit of independent and creative vision thrown into the mix to create an atmosphere unique and dotted with little gems. Very, very cool.

Add into that an eco-conscious and earth-friendly design, true adherence to green building standards and philosophy, and a sense of collective responsibility and action... and you get this lovely little neighborhood with a walking path and no thru-ways for cars that seemed to help gel in our minds something we knew we were looking for but couldn't quite articulate.

A Christmas Blessing

May you and your family enjoy peace and happiness.
May you discover new joys and put to rest past sorrows.
May your heart swell with compassion.
May your suffering lessen.
May your passions find voice and your hopes become realities.

The Night Before Christmas, Soapboxes Were Hung...

I heard a report on BBC News this morning about the protests in Egypt. From what I understood, it is a labor dispute - or rather, a very large protest in opposition to government attempts to subvert and/or ban any type of collective labor movement or workers' unions or formal protest of the government en masse.

One man apparently set himself alight in defiance of a fine received, which is hard to reconcile, but seems to suggest an extreme level of desperation, hopelessness, and/or rage he must have been feeling.

It made me think about the current disputes going on here in the U.S. about the big three auto industries and whether a government bailout is feasible or necessary. I keep hearing arguments against a bailout and in favor of declaration of bankruptcy based on the premise that the labor unions are the reason these companies are failing to keep up in the world economy.

I tend to believe it is somewhat ridiculous to suggest organizations in place to protect workers' rights should somehow be circumvented by using paperwork and economic manipulation to ensure the very rules and regulations fought for by these unions should be disregarded so that these companies can survive.

Certainly, seeing thousands laid off due to the collapse or dissolution of Ford, Chevrolet, or GMC would be terrible. But why is it any better to say the companies can be allowed to continue on by ignoring all contracting previously put in place (paying workers less, requiring more hours, cutting hours, etc.)? Surely there is a better way.

It is a great thing that we have organizations that work on behalf of laborers. A great thing to have unions, workers' rights, workman's comp, etc. And even though the situation in Egypt looks very different and is much more dangerous right now, there is a brotherhood and commonality in the fight for equality among all workers - rather than a trickle down hierarchy wherein those in power make poor decisions while still receiving ample compensation... and then look to use a trickle-up approach when things fall apart.

Sorry for the soapbox. I'm just so tired of the displaced values and questionable morality that seems to underpin so much of the world lately. Government, industry, healthcare, etc. We need a shift in priorities and a shift in consciousness that takes so many of our religious lessons to heart and allows us to live a more equitable and ethical existence.

Short and Sweet

We saw WALL*E tonight, by Pixar (and, I suppose, Disney) - which is by far one of my most favorite creative entities in this world. The movie is incredibly sweet, albeit a wee bit predictable and a tiny bit too-political (in a not subtle enough way)... but overall very, very good. I am a tough audience probably.

I wish they had stayed dialogue-free a little longer, as I was so impressed with the choice they made to keep the movie driven by sound and movement in the beginning. I'm also curious what would have happened if humans had never been introduced as characters, and whether WALL*E's sacrifice would have been more impactful if he never came back (but then I guess that would be a tragedy... which does not always a children's movie make).

In another life, I would have moved to California and figuratively prostituted myself to Pixar in order to work there. Anything... swept floors, reception work, admin assist - whatever. Just so I could be a part of their artistic vision and movie magic.

In this life, I will take satisfaction in being a consumer only, and feel joyful there is such good art in the world that never fails to provide catharsis and food for thought.

Mourning

Here's what I loved about Kathy... she had the best, most wonderful laughter you might ever hear. It was infectious and soft with a hint of mischievous, elfin charm behind twinkling eyes and an incredible youth. Her voice was smoky pool hall and precocious child all rolled into one, and her interests and passions ranged so far she could find common ground with anyone she met. Kathy was one of our best history keepers, with a lightning sharp memory and a penchant for good stories. She was grounded like a tree rooted deep into the Earth, and whenever I spent time with her, I was always struck by how calm I felt in her presence. I think she just made me feel safe. Calm, and safe. She gave amazing hugs, and she could charm any child or animal - which I believe is the sign of the very purest kind of soul.

I so wish we had more time with her.

Rediscovering the Joy of Discovery

We went back to the fairgrounds tonight in DuQuoin so Ari could see the light display one more time - and stumbled upon a whole exhibition hall full of Christmas wonder.

Trees, songs, children's areas, toy trains, a child-sized train that Ari rode twice, balloon animals, and lots more. It was fantastic. Our only regret was not having arrived sooner... but the reaction Ari had upon entering that hall was the most joyous and gorgeous thing I have seen this year.

She could simply not contain her glee, and to see someone express such elation so freely is to be made happy onself. It was pretty awesome. I was overcome with a huge sense of pride, joy, love, and wonder at her tonight. A bit more aware of the miraculousness of her being - and thunderstruck by her immense beauty as a person.

The Precipice

If you jump
the world will catch you,
hold you close and
sing so sweetly,
keep you safe, and
tuck you tightly
into timeless,
rocking arms.

If you jump
there will be sorrow
but we know you
will land firmly,
taken somewhere
beyond dreaming
marked in
incremental time.

If you jump
the world will catch you.
Keep your faith
and when you're ready,
take your leap,
and we will
bless your way
until we meet again.

Learning Curve

Today I was reminded all things happen for a reason and that, if you wait long enough or think hard enough on it, eventually nearly all things will reveal some form of larger purpose or lesson that has been provided as a gift or at least a challenge in order to support further growth.

I sometimes forget this, particularly when things don't go as I had planned, anticipated, or expected. I am not so good with change I have not initiated. But if I am to walk my talk, then I must embrace the notion that all things are offered or thrust upon me for a purpose. Nothing is without meaning or at least without opportunity.

I finished my first semester of internship today and was very, very sad to leave. This was in stark contrast to my emotions the first few weeks of being there, when it felt like nothing had gone right and there was no clear reason why the universe had thwarted my well-laid plans and plopped me down somewhere I thought I had no business being.

Of course, the universe knew better... and my process of discovering this led to greater humility, patience, and faith - all of which has helped me grow as a person.

I have noticed, ever since committing to a helping profession, whatever that larger power is that connects all things tends to know who needs matching up and what combinations of people will lead to the greatest potential for evolution, healing, and change. It's a rather phenomenal aspect of this line of work, and one I am continually surprised by in its intricate and purposeful beauty.

So thanks, universe, for knowing better. I'm glad I paid attention and was able to make the most of your gift.

Destination Unknown

Do you ever wish you could fast-forward your life ahead so that you could be past wherever you are at in the present (usually someplace a bit stressful or rampant with unknown if one is thinking this way) and instead be at your arrival point - wherever that might happen to be, which is presumably less stressful and more known which means theoretically, ultimately happier?

Of course, that is silly. As nice as it might be to ponder a jump cut into the future to skip past the less enjoyable parts of life, I am increasingly realizing how important and even essential those in-between parts really are. How those might, in fact, be even more important than the intended and/or hoped-for point of finality.

There is a quote I've heard before, and a quick google search around the web seems to indicate there is no clear author because it's been said by many people in many ways... essentially:

It's not the destination but journey that counts.

I seek to embrace those words and to be more mindful of the good that comes out of each step along the way. To surrender to each moment, to value each step, and to trust there is purpose in the entire trip.

All the things I gone done on my SNOW DAY

Played with Ari
Did some crossword puzzles
Wrapped and organized more gifts
Switched cell phone plans
Went to Petco to look at animals and buy dog treats
Updated cell phones
Got a haircut
Went to a birthday party
Took care of a boo boo and got blood out of a shirt
Caught up a wee bit more on my emails
Talked holiday travel plans with my mother
Relaxed!

Thoughts for a frigid, icy evening.

Sorrows

• Kathy is in hospice.
• Several people died in the ice storms here these last two days. Mostly while driving, due to road conditions.
• Our home's heat retention is terribly poor, and our latest Ameren bill was astoundingly high.

Joys

• Jack is headed home.
• Ari and I had a great day.
• I got to see my friend Becky, albeit very quickly.
• Ari, Andy, and I made sugar cookies tonight and used our new Christmas cookie cutters.
• We have heat; we have power; we are safe.

Day 1 (of 13138)

A few years ago, my friend Rachel was telling me about a woman she knows up in NH who she found rather inspiring. She had designed her own house, published a few books, and was some sort of artist - I want to say weaver, but that could be just what's stuck in my head and in no way accurate.

The important part about this memory - distorted as it may be - was how I felt upon hearing about this person... and the way it resonated in my solar plexus. I wanted to be that brave... that fearless in my artistic and personal pursuits. To possess such confidence and to have faith in my ability to create such things for myself and follow a path that was genuine and fruitful.

I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I think my first book was one I wrote about having my tonsils removed. My mother still has it in a drawer full of special papers and creations by both me and my brother. I've always loved writing, and I've always written in one form or another. But I've never believed strongly enough in my ability to be an author that I just shoved off and did it.

Until today. I had a story pop into my head a few nights ago, a book idea, which is not all that unusual. I have those all the time... usually children's books or young adult fiction. I let them kick around in my head and sometimes write down titles or short little descriptions... but I never commit to the actual writing because I always get worried I will fail when it comes time to send it out and find a publisher.

Today I decided to break that cycle of stagnation. I began writing what will hopefully become my first children's book. I figure, it's in my head and it's the clearest, most marketable idea I've ever had. It just keeps coming to me... pouring forth like a steady trickle and begging to be placed somewhere permanent. So who am I to argue?

I have no idea who will illustrate it. I have no idea how to send the manuscript out, find a publisher, cut a deal, etc. But at least I have gotten to the point of no longer blocking myself from writing it and believing that when it comes time for the next step, I'll figure it out.

So whether this leads to something you can one day buy off the book shelf or not, it still marks a large leap for me and my fear of commitment (and lack of self-confidence). It marks a shift in the way I view myself and the relationship I have to making choices and creating movement in my life.

I've been thinking of Rachel all day... appreciating the moment wherein she told me that story, because it carried forward to today and changed the way I approach my life. It's funny to carry a gift like that around with you and choose to unwrap it several years later, but I've always been a bit pokey about opening up to good things.

Falling Through a News Gap

We had no idea until today that the ice storms reported in New Hampshire had also hit Massachusetts and other states in the New England area. I had only heard a few snippets on NPR this weekend... and even this morning - when the story came on - I listened closely to see if those in MA had been affected, but NH was the only state mentioned and so I thought with relief my friends and family in the Mass. area had missed the devastating storms.

It wasn't until my sister-in-law, Nikki, IM'd Andy today that we learned the extent of the damage and power loss in their area. Luckily, Andy's brother, Ed, was in an area unaffected by power loss, so the whole family packed up and went over there (many others apparently headed to hotels).

Andy's dad stayed in the house to keep watch, and thankfully he remained safe and the house sustained no major damage. So they are now back home with power and heat restored... but still trying to track down other friends in the area and dealing with the aftermath of a statewide natural disaster.

Although the initial numbers of those without heat and power were in the millions, there still thousands without power or heat. President Bush has declared a formal disaster, and help has been arriving from across the country, along with much-needed federal aid.

Our family was incredibly fortunate, but I know many were not. For those families and individuals who suffered major losses or are still struggling to make it through to more a stable situation, I send my prayers and thoughts.

Stay warm, help one another, and be safe.

$#*&$(@*&#(@*#&

So... not only has my computer died to the point of having to ship it back to the manufacturer (which I had to pay for - a thing I find rather irksome), but Andy's computer has now started showing severe signs of oh-no-not-good-at-all-ness as well.

He had to erase and reinstall his hard drive. Mine was sent back with no way of recovering anything on the system. Luckily... I have learned my lesson from the two prior computers that have completely died on me in the last year - and all my worldly electronic possessions are now stored (thankfully) on an external hard drive.

I am therefore typing this on the one working computer we have left, which is the oldest of the bunch and the one we expected to perish at any moment. I hate this keyboard with a passion, but Andy's recovered system now no longer knows it has wireless capacity... and so he is again on hold snaking his way through automated customer support in search of an actual person.

I am angry. I am aware of how silly it is to get angry about something so tiny as this. Yet, if I am going to be honest about where I am... it is angry, frustrated, tired, disappointed with a tinge of "not fair" thrown in for good measure.

Apparently, the problem (according to Andy's last customer service call) is Windows Vista. More specifically... it is the automatic updates scheduled for Windows Vista by Microsoft. They are big no-nos, we have now been told.

Sigh.

In the meantime, much more important things are going on in the world and, even more importantly, in the lives of some of my loved ones. Thus, I will stop prattling on about my information woes and instead go back to praying for health and miracles elsewhere.

Shattering the Myth(s)

I still remember the day I realized, with finality, that Santa Claus wasn't real. I was standing on the back porch area of our house in Burlington, IL. I can still smell the hay-ish smell of the ropey, natural fibered rug/mat my parents had put on the floor back there. The room was essentially a closed-in porch and was always a bit colder than the rest of the house and always on a slope that made you feel off-kilter.

Anyway... there I was, standing around doing... something - and I looked down in the trash and saw the empty packaging for my Snoopy pencil sharpener lying in the trash. The pencil sharpener had been a stocking stuffer... and I was overjoyed and perhaps slightly self-righteously excited to finally have hard evidence there was indeed no such thing as Santa Claus, but rather two parents who were still keeping up the ruse for my younger brother (who still very firmly believed).

I think I confronted my mother, who acted surprised it had taken me so long to figure it out, and I agreed to keep quiet until Brent discovered the truth on his own or started asking questions about the veracity of our Christmas myth.

This story sticks out in my head because I feel it marked a major turning point for my relationship with Christmas. I think some of the nostalgia and fun and giddiness of the season was lost in that moment. The season became about something else, and perhaps also became something that could never quite live up to my childhood adoration and complete immersion in the magicalness of it all.

But it also meant that Christmas became about much more than "presents" and getting what I wanted. I felt greater responsibility for giving as well as receiving, and I felt a sense of power, love, and happiness to be able to be someone else's Santa... to be the one who created magic because I had found something that echoed my sentiments and said something more than ca-ching. Something more akin to, I love you * I know you * I care.

I sort of equate this with the attachments I hold now and the way in which my understanding of the world, my value and beliefs, my conception of truth, etc. are all changing as I continue to grow, evolve, and age each year.

It's interesting to be aware of what we hold onto and what we let go. To look at the lies we tell ourselves because they are easier to handle, and the truths we avoid because they are too painful to embrace.

Not every myth is dangerous - and there is something bittersweet in the loss of blissful ignorance that comes with letting go of some of our personal lore - but ultimately, I think I would rather strive to see things as they are... remembering perception is always a matter of choice and mythology is grounded at least somewhat in truth.

For You

It seems like a lot of people are struggling this week... fighting to stay positive and encouraged despite setbacks they did not foresee. Maybe it's the weather, or some collective karmic sadness, or just bad luck and sad news. So... if that seems to apply to you today, then this one's for you too:

What you are doing
takes bravery.
Following your dreams
requires courage,
strength, and
determination of
intense proportions.

The fact that you
keep fighting,
keep pushing,
keep believing,
keep doing
creates ripples
around you.

I know you might
not feel loved
in this moment.
Maybe you feel
invisible, maybe
you feel attacked,
or maybe you just
feel forsaken... left
alone and looking
for guidance.

But you are
beautiful in your
purpose; you are
true in your striving,
and you are not alone
in this moment.

Try to remember this.
And don't give up.

Down, Down, Down

I think those of us who live in Illinois knew it was just a matter of time before Rod Blagojevich made a big enough mistake to warrant arrest and probable impeachment. Yet, it's still a rather embarassing and disappointing thing to have happen.

I was born in Illinois and have lived here for the majority of my life (with a sizeable chunk spent elsewhere in the middle). I think I've spent more time in this state than any other... and I do consider myself a Midwesterner at heart (with a little bit of farmgirl thrown in for good measure).

I'm not sure what it is about our political system - and especially our governors - that seems to lead to unquestionable corruption. Perhaps the unavoidable ridiculousness of this latest gaffe will spur our civil servants into more ethical and professional behavior in the future. One can only dream, I suppose.

In the meantime, I hope those already struggling to make ends meet and survive the sickly economy are able to do so despite the inevitable fallout in the months to come. With budget cutbacks and an increasingly rocky climate where healthcare is concerned, we may see darker days to come.

Asking

I found out tonight my cousin, Kathy, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. For some of you, I've already been asking for prayers on behalf of the son of some good friends of ours, and for others... you may not have known about any of it.

I ask for your prayers, thoughts, love, energy or whatever you want to name it on behalf of Kathy, her partner, and her family. I think we are all stunned, and those who are closest to her especially are going to need a lot of strength and calming to get through these next few weeks.

For Kathy, a miracle would be nice. Something that takes all the doctors by surprise. In these situations, that sort of thing would always be wonderful... and maybe the most faithful among us help those things come to pass.

We want her back home where she can see friends and family, and I know everyone wants her to be as comfortable as possible. So forgive the personal request, because I know I've been asking for a lot lately for my loved ones who are struggling... but if you are able, it is always appreciated.

Corps Philosophy

There was a story on NPR today that I think got a bunch of artists around the country all abuzz. Apparently, Obama has moved ahead on his plans to create an arts education initiative modeled after civil service organizations like the Peace Corps and AmeriCorps. A sort of Artist Corps. He's been looking at MusicianCorps, a program created by Kiff Gallagher, as a possible blueprint for a more comprehensive, government-run program.

It would be aimed at bringing professional artists into schools with little to no arts programming in order to provide a way for artists to give back to their communities and for children in our public schools to benefit from receiving arts instruction and being allowed to engage in creative exploration.

A win-win situation if you ask me. As someone who has dabbled in creating programming in similar areas, I think the idea of a national push to place more emphasis on creativity and knowledge of the arts in public schools would be truly phenomenal.

I know culturally, we like to focus on science and math and look at the nation's analytical skills and critical thinking capacity... and yes, there is something inherently creative in those pursuits... but my experience has been that the arts - like no other medium - enables a type of exploration that leads to expanded awareness of self and other, provides a language for communication that reaches across cultural and societal boundaries, and allows young people the opportunity to explore their personal context and narrative in order to reframe their conceptualization of themselves, their spirituality, their future orientation, and much more.

Art is transformative. It is political, social, cultural, and personal. It makes us think, makes us feel, and sometimes even makes us question our connection to the universe and the divine.

The fact that President-Elect Obama and his transition team are kicking around this idea and seriously considering creating a program wherein such learning might again become a part of a child's weekly routine is extremely exciting. A biased perspective, to be sure, but I consider it a heroic and beautiful dream that could forever alter the landscape of the collective consciousness for generations to come.

Winter Wonderment

We saw Santa at the mall today. Ari wanted to go check it out and see if he was "the real Santa."

After one look at his white beard, spectacled face, and comfortable perch atop a shiny, red sleigh... Ari looked at us all wide-eyed and excitedly said, "It is real Santa!"

She talked to him some more (he was nice enough to wish us Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and to wave and say hello multiple times as Ari shyly chatted with him sotto voce), and then we headed to the toy store... during which time she bounced along, occasionally squealing with total star-struck wonderment, "Me see real Santa!" Like she couldn't quite believe her luck.

Andy and I were not sure, prior to this year, how we would handle the whole Santa thing. Do you explain the myth? Do you encourage the make believe? Do you cop to buying the presents? I think we ultimately decided to follow her lead. So... when she said that was real Santa, we smiled happily (drunk with love) and agreed with how amazing it was he had been at our mall—of all places.

How cool it must seem to run into the real Santa on a Sunday afternoon. Sort of like seeing the President-Elect Obama at your grocery store one day or running into Meryl Streep at the Rural King, quietly scanning bird feeders and picking out suet.

Sometimes the most miraculous things about having a child are the simply, daily pleasures she seems to be able to reap from even the simplest of circumstances. Silly, happy gifts that are grabbed up with hungry, open arms and enjoyed thoroughly without worry or attachment or embarassment.

So yeah. That is cool. Santa was at our mall. He said hello and was really nice and friendly. And his suit looked way awesome.

I really love this time of year.

Self-Imposed Pressure of the Parenting Variety

We missed the Lights Fantastic Parade tonight. We had intended to go, because Ari slept through most of it her first Christmas, was too young to go at the time it was held her next Christmas due to bedtime constraints, and would have been at the perfect age for it this year. Her friend was going to be there... and it was written on the calendar as a dedicated, planned event for this weekend.

And then Andy and I just totally spaced on it. I didn't remember until about 6:45pm... which meant it was too late to head over and too close to bedtime as well.

Of course, Ari has no idea we let her down in any way whatsoever. We hadn't really talked it up or said anything about it, and she was perfectly happy to watch The Berenstain Bears nestled in blankets and laps upon the couch... and then head into her nighttime ritual, thinking of what she wants to do tomorrow.

But I am disappointed, and I feel guilty for letting her down. I think I feel such pressure sometimes to be the perfect parent - to offer her all the happiness possible, to make every holiday special, and to find or create events in her life that will become happy memories she'll treasure later.

Silly to put that much pressure on myself and silly to think my idea of perfect might be the same as hers or that I have that much control over her experience and perspective on her life. (Or that there is even such a thing as perfection.) She will make her own meaning, create her own narrative, and enter adulthood with her own concept of her childhood, our parenting, etc.

So... I am trying to let it go. There's always next year (if we're here), and - as Andy said - plenty of more time to provide opportunities for joy.

putting not-so-blatant disregard under a metaphorical microscope

There is something dangerous about an internal disregard for other people. I think lots of people harbor very overt but severely hidden feelings, beliefs, or values that designate certain people as less or other or bad.

Of course, some people wear their "isms" on their sleeves... but what is much more pervasive, tricky, and difficult are those quiet, unspoken thoughts/feelings which are ultimately perceived through microexpressions, actions, tone, or energy. They still convey dislike, distaste, disrespect, etc. - but in a much more subtle and insidious way.

I am increasingly aware of how this type of socially accepted disregard can damage the recipients. To be seen as less in value than another human being, to be written off or ignored or told directly and indirectly you are incapable of achieving, of changing, of being an equal inevitably destroys or at least severely dents the foundations upon which ability and wellbeing exist: self-esteem, self-efficacy, and self-concept.

It is so easy sometimes to rationalize disregard and to lower our expectations of others without apology. Easier to give up or shut down or turn away. But perhaps there is some self-fulfillment to our prophecies... and maybe it is important to acknowledge our part in the cycle that plays out so that we may always strive to respond with increasing compassion, respect, and dignity.

What if we saw each person as an equal? Truly equal to us and deserving of respect and compassion based upon the very simple and basic truth of their humanity. Might our secret fears be eliminated? Might our insecurities become irrelevant?

Perhaps it's something to be mindful of - just to see what effect it might have not only upon those around us, but ourselves as well.

BT Haiku for a Crazy Day

Simon's on the couch...
Asking me to sit and chill.
Why should I refuse?

Little Buddha

Hundreds of eyes
are watching over you
tonight.

Many hearts
praying for your
safe keeping.

I hope to meet
you soon... rosy,
peaceful, and giggling.

You look so familiar;
something about your
eyes and their shining.

May your strength
see you through this
and beyond the pain.

May your scars
become proof of your
courage and power.

May your body embrace
this new opportunity
and leave illness behind.

So much love around you,
and everyone holding
their breath.

In our imaginings,
you are running and
laughing, barefoot and silly.

(Telling the sun
tales of enlightenment
with the smile of a warrior-sage.)

t e e n y. t i n y. Christmas Joy

We decided not to get a Christmas tree this year, opting instead to do some minimal decorating in the living room one night... complete with the Vince Guaraldi Trio and hot chocolate.

Ari was somewhat disappointed, in the end, as evidenced by her heavy sighs and slumped shoulders. I think it just didn't quite live up to the picture she had created in her mind when we said, "Let's put up some Christmas decorations tonight, okay?"

She had seen some a few days prior in the stores and had just gone gaga over them. Something about the shiney, sparkly, gilttery beauty of it all—so strange and twinkly and clearly attached to something different or special that doesn't happen every single day.

So... our little daughter had constructed some scene of merriment and gloriousness in her head, which our tiny little fake 12" tree and lights strung along the windows of one wall just did not equal. Not even close.

Poor little thing. I know how she feels. I think holidays always pose the challenge of not getting too overtaken with our expectations and attachments, lest we miss the beauty of what actually occurs there in front of us.

The happy ending is she now loves the lights, and plugging them in so they can send a soft kind of multicolored glow all over the room makes all three of us simultaneously calm and giddy. Ah, the magic of Christmas decorations. No matter how small.

behind the veil/between attachment

My lovely husband helped point out tonight that I am on the cusp of achieving all I set out to accomplish and had identified as what would make me happy.

And I realized, in one of those quiet kind of ah ha moments that the only thing standing in the way of my happiness is myself... and my attachments and ego, which tends to make things kind of cloudy and uncomfortable.

So silly. I am capable of being so very silly sometimes.

I think this is something I would like to change—this inability to embrace my happiness and to find peace with and accept where I am. What is. Who I am. Who I wish to be.

Loving ourselves can be so tricky sometimes, and yet it seems to be at the very heart of what helps us move forward, evolve, and let go of our cloudiness so we can help others and be truly present in our lives and the lives we encounter around us.

Not that I'm there yet, mind you. But things got a lot clearer tonight... and hopefully it will stick!