Flap, Flap. Beat, Beat.

Our little bird friends are back. Working furiously on nests tucked up in the corners of our front porch... perched carefully on top of pillars around the front of the house.

I assume they must be cardinals, and I have seen at least two families making preparations for winter... going and returning multiple times throughout the day with a strangely hypnotic and comforting rhythm.

Rather than being frustrated or worried about these intended winter sanctuaries, I am rather happy they've decided to return. I always look forward to seeing the little baby birds in the spring... their little scrawny heads wobbily and hungry with eyes shut and beaks wide, innocently open to the world as they wait for mommy to return with food.

I will miss this cycle and proximity to nature and her heartbeat. Perhaps it will simply mean I must look more mindfully from a new location in order to catch these small, daily miracles of life.

(not just) Lip Service

Poor little Simon's lips are scabbing up again. We went through this last year, and the vet really didn't have a good answer. The solution offered at that time was a biopsy of both his mouth and nose (which would have meant taking slices of his face in 3-4 different locations)... just to be told something the vet felt would ultimately be inconclusive.

I ended up thinking it must be a food allergy of some kind. My bet was on wheat, wheat flour, and or wheat gluten. Maybe he's a little Celiac doggy. But it seems to be touch and go, and I've noticed wheat products in some of his regular treats and such, which does not seem to bother him.

Of course, it would be easy enough to ensure he got no human food and closely monitor his diet—if we did not have a two-year old still working on fine motor control skills. Ari's eating is like a crumb shower of forbidden goodies for Simon; and he – no dummy – waits somewhat patiently and expectantly at her feet during every meal for random morsels that sprinkle to the floor with alarming regularity.

So... what to do? Andy said there is a food allergy test they can run at the vet's office in the $150 range, which might give us some more concrete answers as to what causes the outbreaks. Of course, it's an assumption on our part that the skin irritations are allergy-related and not some form of immune deficiency (aka lupis). We really have no way of knowing.

In the meantime, I watch Simon's face closely and try to assess how much pain he is in. I pray every day it will clear up and try to watch Ari (and Simon) like a hawk during mealtimes, swooping in to pick up, sweep up, or otherwise remove potentially dangerous food items like whole wheat spaghetti, banana chocolate chip muffins, or organic cheese puffs.

Poor little Simon. He's such a sweet and special little dog. I hope we can figure this thing out soon.

Black Friday

It was stunning this morning to start our day hearing news that the persons responsible for the attacks in Mumbai had not yet been stopped. The news of such a terrible event on a holiday like Thanksgiving was very sad, and even sadder was the news today of the many lives lost in the last three days.

Then we heard about the two people killed by a gunman in Toys R Us, and the worker trampled to death in Wal-Mart. And I know hundreds of thousands of people die daily and that it's very dangerous to shape one's worldview based upon the inevitably biased reporting of what is determined news by any given media outlet.

But still... it was hard not to think WTF, and I have definitely been struggling to not become completely discouraged and disheartened. Ironically, we watched CNN Heroes: An All-Star Tribute last night. So odd to have two days dichotomously filled with some of the worst and best acts of humanity.

I guess where I have ultimately ended up today is trying to think about my impact on the world and what it means to balance the Christian principal to treat others as I might want to be treated; the Democratic philosophy that we all deserve respect and dignity, which means treating all others as my equal; the Buddhist concept of suffering and what it means to work toward the elimination of suffering in the world--to strive for enlightenment and peace within myself in order to aide the peace of others; and the Unitarian Universalist tradition of social action, human justice, and a creedal foundation of compassion and activity.

Although I believe I have made choices and put forth changes in my life that moves toward the direction of these ideals, I do believe there is still more I can do. And so... today has reminded me of the importance of remaining mindful, while also taking steps to bring thought and word to eventual action.

Gratitude (aka Thanksgiving)

I am thankful for:

• My family and friends, who keep me sane and grounded... and who have come through for me so many times in so many ways I never fail to be astounded by their generosity and love.
• My husband and daughter, who are the hub of my world. They are my glue, my greatness, and my glory.
• My home, my health, and my happiness. I am forever striving to value these things all the time, because I know I am luckier than many and therefore might do more to stop suffering if I were consistently able to see my own bounty.
• My graduate program, professors, peers, colleagues, and mentors—they have enriched my learning experience beyond measure and are an integral part of my development as a counselor and my growth as a human being.
• My students and clients... who unfailingly teach me new things about myself, my work, and the world at large each time we work together.
• My country, which has managed its 44th presidential election and is in the middle of a successful, peaceful, and productive transition amid turmoil and fear. The philosophy and idealism of this nation is one of its most beautiful assets and inspiring qualities.
• The many creative, inspirational, humbling, glorious, sacred, powerful things in this world that can occur on the most minute level imaginable or the largest scale possible. I am grateful for these because it helps me remember my humanity – in both its finite and infinite carnations – and the dizzyingly intricate interconnectedness of everything.

Note for my friend who probably won't see it (but sometimes you just have to write things down)

I am praying for you. I am holding you tight in my heart and attempting to will a happy ending. Or at least a happy continuation of the story.

I pray for your safety in these next few weeks. I pray for your sanity and your rest. I pray you find peace in the midst of chaos and pain. I pray you find moments of joy scattered among the shocking sadness.

And most of all, I pray for your son. For his courage, his happiness, his ability to hold on... and most of all for his health.

We love you.

Ghost in the Machine

Today was a crowded, jumbled day due to a very strange occurence arising out of some uncharacteristically glitchy thinking/planning on my part.

Not only did I schedule a small group session for today – which is a day I am always off from school – but I also made plans with my husband to visit daycares, have lunch and hang out with my friend Becky, and take in the car for an oil change.

Now, maybe the oil change and the daycares could have been coupled together, and the lunch fit in just fine. But there was no way I could be at school and at home - and so I had to apologize profusely to the woman overseeing the small group at school. Luckily, she has an infant, so I think she understands parenting brain farts - or at least the busy-ness that can accompany attempts to work and raise a toddler.

Anyway... I forgot to take the car in—which I did not realize until 5:30pm this evening. And... we only saw one daycare because Ari had a potty accident at the very first one and mommy (aka, me) had very stupidly taken out of all of her emergency clothing thinking she was beyond accidents. Thus, she had no pants, no socks, no shoes, no underwear, etc. to change into. The daycare (which we did not like) let us borrow some pants, and we came home feeling stupid and embarassed (or maybe that was just me).

Lunch worked, and we also got to visit Papa Gallo... and we got our plumber in to almost-finish our downstairs bathroom sink. So not an entirely busted day... but definitely one that left me feeling pretty foolish and also wondering if I might need to make better use of my day-planner/calendar. Sheesh.

Selection, Naturally

I heard a quick snippet on CNN today about a family in Colorado who opened their farm to the public, offering a free pick-your-own day this past weekend. Actually, I think they originally planned just one day, but they had such an overwhelming response, they had to cancel day 2.

On the first day alone, 40,000 people showed up to get free food. The owner of Miller Farms said it indicated how bad the economy is and just how many people are in dire need of food and help right now.

It's not often you hear a story in the news cycle now with a positive ending or happy focus. Ironically, this one floated past my ears just as I was sitting here feeling down. So it was nice to get a gentle little reminder that my life is very blessed, that there are incredible people in this world, that we as humans are capable of community and support, and that there is always something - in fact, many things - to be thankful for depending on the perspective you choose.

Brrrr.

The cold weather always brings such dry skin for me. It is such a small thing, but when my hands start to split and bleed, and my lips feel like they are burning... it does get awfully uncomfortable.

Our winters have been much milder since moving downstate. I still have a severe shock to the system whenever the cold weather truly sets in and winter's icy little fingers start to latch onto my insides every time I go outside... but overall, the lack of copious piles of snow and months on end with below freezing temps and a windchill that will squeeze your head like a vice has been really lovely.

But then fate stepped in and sort of changed everything. Andy got a great job offer back up in Evanston that he simply cannot walk away from. It's an incredible accomplishment and a great opportunity... and so we are now having to seriously contemplate moving back up and settling in the city we left 3 years ago.

I am a great believer in all things happening for a reason; and also have great faith in the idea that there is purpose to all we encounter in life - be it good or bad, easy or difficult, asked-for or shoved upon us.

The conundrum surrounding a move up north is not solely connected to the weather... but that seems to be the most tangible item upon which I can attach my misgivings and worry. Which is probably silly, but is very human.

Of course, there are tons of good things too. And I am not blind to them. I think I just feel overwhelmed at the many practicalities and logistics involved, as well as somewhat panicked by the looming amount of unknown contained in the decision. (I have become much more aware of my dislike of the unknown lately.)

So as the cold weather settles in to squat upon our lives, I cannot help but think about the even greater impact the season will have in a more northerly direction. Ah well. It is, after all, a small little thing to attach myself to... a silly, human, itchy, cracky thing.

The Joy of Roasting

Thanks to my friend, Melinda, Andy and I have been eating more roasted vegetables. We had always toyed with them... but never really committed to the idea of eating so many different kinds of veggies with just a bit of olive oil and salt.

I think what is so nice about it is how simple it tastes. Simple but really powerful - as if you don't really get much more than the actual veggie flavor from whatever you are using, along with a hint of saltiness and the slightly nutty flavor of the olive oil. So delicious.

It has helped me realize there are a lot of vegetables I actually really enjoy the taste of... ones I might have previously struck from my list or decided to ignore. I have rediscovered broccoli, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, zucchini, and all manner of squash.

Tasty!

Triple Haiku for Herman

We found you one day,
brought you home and promised care...
and then we failed you.

What's the lesson here?
Perhaps focus, commitment,
and mindful choosing.

Busy-ness is not
worth losing sight of small joys.
This cost was too great.

Time. Memory. Place.

I heard today Out of Town News in Harvard Square is likely to close soon. As a former Boston resident and previously frequent visitor to the Cambridge area, it is sad, sad news. I used to buy Dunhill cigarettes from them... and later, after returning from England, Camel Mediums - which could not be found in the states anywhere else and were - at the time - the perfect cigarettes.

Sad to say, my experience with the place was more as a smoker than a reader of world news or magazines from far-off lands. But I do remember fondly ogling the Time Out London mags in my final semester at BU... and I used to spend time just looking at the many offerings they had on hand. Wishing I could travel more and feeling briefly re-connected to the less isolated and more allied feeling I had experienced in Europe.

It's been a long time since I've really walked around the Cambridge area, and particularly Harvard Square. It is a place associated with strong memories and a very important time in my life. And, since my husband is a former New Englander as well who grew up just outside of Boston, it also represents the link we never knew we had until we met, approximately 10 years later, in the city of Chicago.

I wish the city would rally and find a way to keep the little brick building with the funkily eclectic and multicultural feel. I can only imagine how many of us there are for whom that place is a touchstone buried deep within memory and personal history, looping through narratives containing that seemingly small detail.

Perhaps it is silly to be so romantically nostalgic about a kiosk at a metropolitan crossroads... but sometimes there are aspects of our self-concepts and traveled journeys tied to place - and when they shift or disappear, we feel it.

Me (and You)

I really love collaborating with people. It kind of hit me today while at my internship site. Which is sort of silly because I had made an artistic career based on collaboration, ensemble work, and collective process... but hey - sometimes I'm a bit slow.

Sometimes what feels so hard is the drive I feel to collaborate in LOTS of different arenas. Books, research, work, scripts, counseling strategies, consultation, parenting, etc. What is lovely is I know lots of talented and truly outstanding people who fill me with excitement and renew my passion. What is difficult is my ever-lovin ability to get tangled up in the many imaginings and become so paralyzed by some search for (or belief) in a "right" path that I end up not actually moving anywhere.

Ah well. I have also realized lately this is an incredible time of growth and learning for me. I am more open to my frailties and aspects of my self that merit work. I also feel I am more aware of my strengths and abilities too... which I think has linked to a longing for purpose and connection to meaning in my life.

And although this seems like a senseless and highly selfish post... I will leave it. Because who knows... maybe it will speak to at least one person - and lately, I've also realized that sometimes the littlest actions we take which only intersect with one life in one moment are just as important and valuable as large, sweeping actions that are seen by many.

Happiness

You were washing dishes...
your back turned, yet
your body still a part of
our random scattering
in the midst of a chaotic kitchen.

She was playing drums and
putting plastic silverware
in no-no places (mommy's glassware)
Caught but smiling and continuing
to move with quick conspicuousness.

We were all dancing to
reggae music pulsing
through our house like
joyous rainbow confetti
falling down in happy swirls.

And I thought:
this is it. This is what
we worked so hard to
achieve. We are here.
In this moment, we are here.

We are happy, and
healthy, and dancing,
and together, and
loving, and silly, and
alert, and wonderful.

That moment of happy—
an explosion in my chest...
wrapped around my finger
like a little humming string,
reminding me to smile and breathe.

Inside Out vs. Outside In

I have been thinking a lot lately about authenticity. What does it mean to be one's authentic self? How do we reconcile the many masks we may wear in a day or (from a less cynical perspective) the many ways in which we change shape based on our circumstances and surroundings. We are all mutable - our different roles sometimes require slightly different aspects of our genuine self.

But what separates authentic behavior from inauthentic? Is it inauthentic if the person being disingenuous does not realize he or she is being false? What it falsity vs. ignorance vs. deception?

This has come up lately for me, as I seek to make my way toward decisions that affect my future plans and career pursuits, as well as my educational track in the next year or two. For some reason, this is a muddy area for me... I feel a mix of ego, ambition, confusion, passion, and a plethora of interests that can sometimes pull me in multiple directions. Add to that the pragmatic concerns arising in having a life bound to two other people who are immensely important to me... and all my values, beliefs, and assumptions and you have quite a tangle some moments.

So lately I have been seeking the authentic inner voice that is Genevra. At least Genevra in this moment. Because, I know I will continue to change - we are not, after all, static. This can be a painful and humbling process. Ego, jealousy, competition, a desire to be loved... these are not necessary pretty things.

Of course, there are positive things too... and the truth—the authentic, genuine, real truth (which is perhaps a paradox already)—probably lies somewhere in the middle. It will be interesting to see where I settle when the balancing point is finally reached.

Resonance, Respect, and the Existence of Greatness

Yesterday, I heard a segment on NPR about Yip Harburg and Jay Gorney's song, "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?" It was on a series only sporadically run called What Makes It Great, and so the song was discussed by a composer/author/musician in terms of why this song out of so many still carries such a powerful message and remains fixed in our collective awareness as an "anthem" that reverberates forward.

Not only was the analysis fascinating and enlightening, but it also was a great segment that connected the themes of depression-era worry and loss with the current economic anxieties experienced today. Although we're not in the same place we were then, certain themes within the song easily parallel aspects of today's financial mess.

If you have time, listen to the story - if only to hear Daniel Shorr's rendition of the song, which is poignant and simple. And be sure to listen to Yip Harburg's rendition (listed among the variations along the left-hand side), which is strikingly powerful and further aids in understanding the song's origins and emotional message.

Harburg and Gorey underscored the need for social action and justice during the hardships of the Depression. Their hope was to call for greater awareness of the need to help one's fellow man, and the reality of a shared suffering in the aftermath of Americans' industrial, creative, and patriotic expression and movement through the early 1900s.

It reminded me, very strongly, of all the commentary surrounding Obama's supposed "socialist" agenda. I still don't quite understand an ideology that does not protect, encourage, and support every member of society. And it seems some Ameicans seem to truly fear anything that hints of socialism... and yet, why in the world would we not seek to be a nation wherein every individual feels like an equal member?

And so the message in this song... that I have built, I have fought, I have struggled... and now I'm being forgotten - the entreaty for human response and shared responsibility is what echoes forward to me. Perhaps what resonates so strongly is the request for recognition and dignity on a very basic, human level... which we likely all can understand.

SingDanceSpeakSpirit

I heard about an institution in Albuquerque, New Mexico that aims to provide a place for spiritual reflection and connection for non-church-goers. It was founded by a musician who had experienced the sacred through his work with and relationship to classical music.

It's called the Church of Beethoven, and I wish we could go, because I believe art often connects us with the divine, and the idea of local artists using their time and talents to create an experience of worship for other community members is just stunning and lovely. Instead of edu-tainment, it's soul-tainment. Or something like that.

Apparently, the man who began it all, Felix Wurman, hopes other people will eventually begin their own offshoots in other cities across America. I think, if I started one, it would be the Church of Bach... I find him particularly linked to something transcendental and spiritually transportive.

Someday I'd like to do a series of dance pieces set to the Bach cello suites recorded by Yo-Yo Ma back in 1998. It was something I never quite got to for Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind. Perhaps there will be some forum in the future wherein my personal exploration of how that music connects me more firmly to the world might be shared with others looking for a similar union.

A Few Thoughts on Same-Sex Marriage

It's incredibly upsetting to me that Prop 8 passed in California recently. I'm glad gay marriage is now legal in Connecticut, but it seems this issue is the latest in a series of several that seems to divide the country quite sharply.

I don't quite understand how it's not a civil rights issue, as some people suggest, nor do I see how a case could go to the U.S. Supreme Court and possibly not be ruled in favor of gay couples seeking equal rights under the law. But hey - plenty of things have happened in the last 8 years that have left me shaking my head, and we're still working with a court slanted right in a way that often stuns the liberal progressives among us.

In the meantime, I remain so very thrilled for those friends who have managed to legally and formally tie the knot. I wish everyone could, and I wish those unions would be recognized in all states. My hope is, it's just a matter of time. That in 5 to 10 years the prejudice and discrimination that leads to things like "civil unions" and Prop 8 will strike us as so obviously biased and oppressive we will be stunned at our inability to live up to the philosophy of social justice and human advocacy upon which this country was founded.

Such beautiful language and such an important vision. It's worth fighting for.

Detroit Dilemma

Someone on NPR today echoed a sentiment I had expressed to my husband only days ago about the proposed bailout of the auto industry. Essentially, I feel like the issues that led to the current decline in demand for cars made by the companys in question must be addressed before any money is doled out.

Why not insist upon salary caps for top execs, mileage and energy efficiency standards for new models produced, and a timeline for expected growth/increase in sales?

As someone who is completely fed up with seeing flashy commercials touting cars that still only get 33 mph, I really think the opportunity now exists for the industry to remake itself and push into a new phase of creation and development aligned with green expectations and fuel-efficiency necessities based on our stated goal of weaning ourselves off foreign oil and finding new ways to support our energy consumption.

It's difficult, because so many jobs are tied to these decisions... and I would hate to see people laid off due to the poor decisions and bad management of those in top positions. But I do believe some kind of change has to be tied to any kind of financial parachute. Otherwise, we're just forestalling the inevitable collapse that will come from an industry that is out of touch and ineffective in the global market.

Sorry for the soapbox. These bailouts are making me increasingly nervous, and I still keep getting these nagging feelings we are in for even greater challenges and failings in the months to come. Let's hope I'm really, really wrong!

I'm Your Medical Cheerleader

For whatever reason, several of my friends have been experiencing a sense of frustration lately in seeking medical help. I guess it's not that unusual. I've had my share of strange/bad experiences... like the urologist who flaty told me my symptoms could be the early stages of MS, or the many doctors who refused to connect a series of emerging and never-before-experienced health problems with a stint on birth control, or the latest - an eye surgeon who refused to acknowledge the connection between my pregnacy and my retinal detachment—in both eyes (they lasered the left before it fully detached, thank goodness).

Meanwhile, my husband experienced a doctor telling him he did not have epilepsy directly after he experienced a seizure during an EKG, which led to an inaccurate diagnosis of the type of epilepsy he has (grand mal vs. temporal lobe).

A friend of mine had to advocate for her son to get treatment because she knew something was wrong with her son and the doctors just kept acting like she was hysterical or crazy or "overprotective" mom or something. And... another friend of mine just got told today her heart problems were all in her head - related to stress and not something that could be fixed or apparently even discussed.

I guess the big result of all of these experiences, for me, is I have learned the importance and necessity of advocating for myself and speaking up when I feel I'm not being listened to. I look for doctors who take my instincts seriously and don't try to rush me through my medical history or the way I tie certain events together. And, ultimately, if I feel someone is wrong in their diagnosis, I either follow my gut, find a new doctor, or keep speaking up until a greater discourse takes place.

After all, who knows your body better than you? Don't be afraid to advocate!

Veggie-Deal

I was at Schnucks a week or two ago and overheard the woman ahead of me being offered a magazine with holiday recipes. "Ooo," I thought. "I could use one of those."

The cashier did not offer me one, so I asked after it, and she said it would be $0.99 (the other woman got it for free). Not sure of the discrepancy, I quickly decided I still wanted it and just chalked it up to an oh well kind of moment. Nothing worth fretting over.

Tonight I tried one of the recipes in it, and that $0.99 proved well spent. I had been hoping to make it for my two friends named Becky, who Ari distinguishes by calling one Beckby and one Beck-Beck. (What I find so funnily amazing is that, when she first used those names, I knew exactly who she meant for each.)

Unfortunately, our weekend was supremely scattered and a bit stressful, and so I asked Beck-Beck (Beckby had to cancel) if we could reschedule. I felt like a poo, but also knew our evening was bound to be a bit chaotic and it would not really be a good entertaining kind of evening.

So... Beck-Beck (and Beckby) when we are able to dine together... here is what you'll get (at least part of it!):

Maple-Roasted Acorn Squash

2 small to medium acorn squash
sea salt & black pepper (to taste)
4 tsp. butter or margarine
4 Tbsp. maple syrup
4 tsp. brown sugar
rosemary
thyme

• Halve the squash and scoop out the insides. Place into baking dish, rind side down, and add roughly 1/4 inch of water to the dish.
• Into each squash cavity, put 1 tsp. butter, 1 Tbsp. maple syrup, and 1 tsp. brown sugar. Sprinkle the squash with rosemary and thyme (roughly 1/2 tsp. of each for each squash half). You can use fresh or dried... just use your best judgment.

I may try a bit of cinnamon or nutmeg next time to see what that does to the recipe; and I definitely plan to use this as a side for Thanksgiving. I could have even spent $2.50 on this magazine thing and still come out ahead!

Apropos Mantras for Today

Breathe.

Let go.

Ignore your ego.

Self-consciousness serves no one.

Why not notice the joy?

Stop thinking about it and actually do it.

Silly is okay.

Remember to be kind.

How much of the stress if your own doing?

Enjoy each moment.

Everything is going to be okay.

Respond with love.

Expect the best, but don't let those expectations derail you.

The action is the point.

A Sort of Stream

The cold weather today brought freezing rain and a shockingly chill day for so early in the winter season. We've been quite spoiled the last several years down here in southern Illinois; it will be interesting to see what this year brings.

I've been trying to keep my ears pricked for news of Hurricane Paloma (weird name). Thousands were evacuated as it headed toward Cuba, and though damage was sustained, it has not been as great as expected. No deaths or injuries have been reported yet, but it still sounds as if the aftermath from the storm will keep people out of their homes for quite some time.

It's so easy to get caught up in our own change of seasons and lose touch with the happenings in other parts of the world. As our environment shifts, so too does everyone else's... and that may bring joy or sorrow to other places and other people.

My husband, who is an astrologer (among many other things), says there is something big coming in mid-November. While I don't quite invest in astrology to quite the same degree he does, his accuracy in certain matters and my own experience with some aspects of it has led me to remain openly curious and to pay attention when he brings things up.

Whatever coming is big, and for those of us in the U.S., it may be financial in scope (i.e., more bad news on the economy front). For other countries, it may bring different challenges... perhaps these strange and powerful weather cycles will continue.

No matter what may arrive in your neck of the woods, may you be safe and find direction in the storm - be it literal or figurative. The changing of the seasons can bring up many emotions and signify many things (death, life, mortality, transformation, renewal).

In this moment, the impact of the marked transition into a new phase reminds me of the Buddhist koan that also connects back to the paradox of fleeting stability and ever-present chaos. However, I can't find it... so I'll turn instead to Albert Camus, who said roughly the same thing:

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

Be safe. Remember others. Stay connected.

Such Little Things

There is a leaf
as big as my head
sitting on the coffee table
taken from the ground
on a walk in the sun.

There is a dog
with the snore
of a sailor lying on the couch
and rumbling the room
as he soaks in some love.

There was a show
I happened upon tonight
that made me and Andy
laugh out loud, doubled
over and holding our sides.

Sometimes the miracle
in a day is a small one
nothing major, just life
moving forward one
beautiful step at a time.

Whoosh.

Today we watched some old movies we had made of Ari at various points along her path from birth to present. It's rather stunning to look back on those earlier times and notice all the huge changes she's already undergone.

So many people talk about how quickly the childhood of your offspring flows by. Kind of like how my grandmother always used to tell me how fast life moved as she got older... each year leaving time sped up to the point of no longer even being able to recognize individual days, or months. I always imagined it like being swept up in a wave with the force of a tsunami, depositing you on the opposite shore of a your life a year older and somewhat lost as to how you arrived there.

Andy and I were stunned to look back and think about all that has changed even in just one year's time. Ari's growth has been exponential and immense, and even the changes we have made with the house, our career paths, and our future plans have been pretty expansive.

What will we accomplish by the time another year has cycled around? How much more will have happened? There is something miraculous in the amount we can cram into small pockets of time. Intricate, infinite, and full of possibility.

Viral Haiku

Fighting off the flu...
many thoughts, but too fuzzy.
My brain tonight: mush.

The Next Day

So history was made last night. Andy and I went to be excited, stunned, hopeful, grateful, and relieved. We were moved to tears several times, and even in listening to coverage this morning as I was getting ready for school, so many personal stories and people's thoughts on the election called up those same emotions. For me, I think they are tears of joy primarily... and perhaps the release of 8 years of waiting for a president for whom I could feel pride and admiration.

One thing that hits you in studying presidential history is how character and integrity seems to truly differentiate the good presidencies from the bad. Having admired Teddy and Franklin D. Roosevelt, Lincoln, Adams, Washington, and Kennedy for their ability to inspire, energize, comfort, exhort, and change the course of history, the ability to call Barack Obama the president-elect renews my hope that such leadership and vision is again possible.

I have heard from so many friends how they feel proud of this country again, and I know what they mean. Although it does not heal the deep divisions based on a history wherein democracy was not truly diverse nor representative of the variegated face of our nation, it's a step toward cultural and social evolution... bringing us a little bit closer to fulfilling the dreams and ideals upon which this country was based and which I think we all hold within our hearts as something worthy of pride and a great commitment.

We can became we did, and we did can become we will as history rolls forward and we are offered the challenge of taking a collective leap forward to write a new and courageous narrative for our nation, ourselves, and the generations to come.

Nov. 4

Every time an election rolls around, I feel a great surge of appreciation and love for this country. I joyfully immerse myself in the coverage, the personal stories, the debates, the polling station experience... all of it. Even the tiring parts are still interesting and tend to suck me and Andy in so that we spend hours on end listening to the radio, following CNN, or discussing political snippets heard throughout the day.

I am forever amazed at how we manage to make it all work every 4 years. Even with the setbacks, the upsets, the potential frauds, and inevitable voter disenfranchisement, the country manages to move forward and do its best with each administrative change. (And with the hope that each time we move through the cycle, we will do it better.)

Even though Andy and I have talked about moving if Obama does not win, I don't know that we ever would. Where else can you watch presidential candidates making fun of themselves mere days before votes are to be cast? The ability for the same politicians who are fighting so hard to appear dignified, experienced, and sharp to engage in parody and satire so they may poke fun at their idiosyncracies and frailties is a unique and beautiful thing.

As uncomfortable as it might be at times, it's still rather amazing such political discourse and artistic expression is possible and embraced in the midst of world-changing decisions about which millions of people are desperately passionate.

As the returns are coming in, I am hopeful things will go our way this time around. It's unbelievably exciting to know all of my friends scattered around the globe are sharing in this moment with as much anticipation and hopeful glee as I.

We are united in our collective participation in one of the greatest gifts of our democracy... ready to see what the next four years will bring and praying for a truly new direction.

A Great Loss

We have these rare people, throughout history, who for whatever reason seem to shine a little brighter or impact more lives than the average human being. Shakespeare, in A Midsummer Night’s Dream talks about greatness via Malvolio: "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."

The way I see it, some people have the talent, perspicacity, and gift of communication such that they reframe our experience so we understand it in an entirely new way. They inspire, challenge, confront, and question… and as a result, we are made better through our interpretation of their shared journey.

In our increasingly public and media-rich society, the greatness of ordinary geniuses has become more widespread, and the celebration of everyday heroes more common. Yet even in recognizing the presence of beauty and nobility in those around us, we may still be struck by someone who seems to be particularly gifted… unquestionably special. Someone who changed the world through the process of making meaning of his or her life.

Studs Terkel was such a person. When I heard this morning he had passed away, my first thought was of my friend, Chloë, who I know will be heartbroken at his passing. My second thought was how truly ironic and sad it is that he died just days before an election he was surely following with great interest and personal investment based on a lifetime of advocacy, passion, and insight.

Sometimes I think when we lose someone like this, the world shudders a little. As if a little bit of life has been lost in a sudden exhalation… and we are not yet sure what we will get with the next intake of air. But perhaps the important thing is to continue breathing, and to be grateful such miracles exist.

Vulnerable Intimacies

It's 9:30 but feels like 10:30 and my brain is fried. Ah well. I woke up this morning thinking about friendships and marriage and how intimacies get more difficult as one gets older and relationships become more complicated over time.

I'm not sure friend-making was ever easy for me, but I do recall feeling less trepidation when I was younger and being able to form close bonds much more easily and quickly. Mind you, I was an artist and tended to hang out with artists... so we were a bunch of touchy-feely-minded folks.

But it has gotten trickier. Maybe even harder upon having a child. We don't really prioritize our own time for socializing. And so I think we've become even more isolated - though that likely connects to a series of decisions we made in the last few years.

And I'm not really complaining about this... just sort of thinking about it and noticing it and wondering after it. It feels akin to so many of the other simple and innocent pleasures of childhood that seem to slip away with age and increased responsibilities and connections to the world.

Anyway... I sometimes miss the friends who slipped away, and I often wonder what the next 10 years will hold in the way of closeness to others. Intimacy is such a tricky thing because it so often gets tangled in with sex... but being able to be vulnerable with others is, I believe, a very integral part of living and existing fully and authentically. (And I am speaking of emotional vulnerability here, not physical.)

Allowing such frailty is sometimes necessary for deeper understanding and growth, and so it's good and perhaps quite important to have people around whom you can relax and be imperfect... not just your spouse, or partner, or family... but strangers who become vital to you as they move into the realm of friend because they get to see a side of you that is unique, unfiltered, and separate from the definitions of your other intimate connections.

Art Collides with our Former Lives

On our way home from breakfast this morning we heard someone we knew (actually two someones) being interviewed on NPR. We sat in the car and pieced together what was being talked about and slowly figured out what our friends from our Chicago days, Karen and CJ, were doing on the radio.

Turns out they were part of this very cool project undertaken by Corey Dargel, a songwriter who took commissions from people online to write songs... which became an album of 13 songs written about other people's loves. He did a mix of relationship types (romantic, familial, platonic), and his music is sort of odd and ethereal and simple and poetic all at once.

Very interesting. If you want to listen, check it out here. There are some snippets online and a bit of Karen's and CJ's story, which inspired their song.